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Sometimes, I hate myself.

Community Member

I am filth. I am dirt. I am disgusting and lazy. I hate myself. For the better part of my life I have half-arsed my way through absolutely everything I could. I can’t even do the things I enjoy because of the amount of effort that I need to apply to complete these tasks. I never finish anything. Every project I’ve started is simply deserted sooner or later.

I’ll never amount to anything in life, not with the way I half-arse everything and put off decision making. I can’t even decide on what to eat for dinner let alone make important life decisions. And forget ever having children. I can’t even discipline myself. I’m a twenty two year old child with no direction in life and no drive to find direction.

I started a new job recently and I suck at it. I mean, not the work itself, but just communicating with my co-workers. I’m pretty certain the manager hates me and the rest of the staff think I’m weird. Why would they think I’m anything but? I say awkward stuff all the time because I’m not even sure how to hold a proper conversation.

I’m so tired of everything – university especially. I’ve been there for five years now because I keep failing classes and need to repeat. It’s only a matter of time before the university finally kicks me out. Then that’ll be another thing on my list that I’ve started but never finished. I’m so pathetic.

Concentrating in lectures is impossible. I don’t know how you’re supposed to do it. After five minutes my brain just wanders. I mean, I can’t even pay attention to a conversation. My brain just doesn’t take in information. Outside of class I never get work done. Inside of class I never get work done. I just never get anything done. At the moment it’s especially bad. I just can’t prioritize things. And work takes up all of my attention span at the moment, there’s just no room for me to worry about university or anything else.

I never used to be like this. Once upon a time I was classified as a ‘gifted’ child, always aced every test, always got my homework in, etc. But now I’m a whole other person and this person is a failure who does and says stupid, brainless things all the time. I’ve become a lazy idiot.

My mind feels like it’s constantly in a haze. It’s just all over the place. And even just trying to do like a simple assignment feels like

All this is why I hate myself. I’ve tried to change, I really have, but it’s just like everything else I’ve started: a project that I’ll never finish.

How do I change?

11 Replies 11

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Rocki,

I'm glad you've found the BB Online forum. I hope you are ok. I really do. I notice you say you can't concentrate. A lot of depressed people have this, me included. I can hear your frustration - "How do I change?" I feel that a lot. Small steps. Is there any support at Uni ? Through friends ? Or does the Uni offer any medical/psychological services ? Perhaps seeing your regular GP ? These are a few quick thoughts I had.

Take care.

Community Member

Hi Rocki. You are in a mess emotionally. Have you seen a Dr or specialist to get some sort of help for your lack of concentration, motivation. It almost sounds like a form of ADHD. I would make an appointment with your Dr to get a diagnosis. If it is ADHD, there is help available. You also sound terribly depressed and that too is a worry. Quite often with depression, we do lose motivation for even the simplest task. Trying to concentrate on anything is major with depression. If you do have ADHD, it's doubly hard because your attention span is not long and you need stimulation to keep your attention. Do you have a close friend who would be prepared to go to the Dr's if you're nervous about going alone? You don't come across as lazy and disgusting. As for referring to yourself as filth and dirt, that is so sad, also depressing to view yourself this way. You come across as someone who desperately needs help. Do you have family that could help you in any way? If you are in fear of hurting yourself, please contact our 24/7 helpline. We do have counsellors who are prepared to listen and guide you. You need never feel alone or lonely. We're here for you. It's possible you may require AD's to start making you feel a bit more positive.


Community Member

Hi Rocki!

you are not filth nor are you dirt. you have such an important role to play in this world, just as everybody else does. I hope you realise this, and don't feel so alone. As for the half assing, to me, it's a natural part of growing up and finding out what your purpose is. I went through this phase and honestly... that's what it is, just a phase. Have you got a hobby that you enjoy doing? focus on primarily just sticking to it first. Keep going and you will get results. maybe try practising your determination to just keep going. It's hard, but once you learn it... you'll never understand why it was so hard in the first place. Congratulations on your new job! it's so hard to find employment now, and the fact you did it, shows you have initiative 🙂 as for your managers and co-workers, try not to focus on how they think about you... because honestly, you are probably over thinking it, and they probably don't even see you the way you perceive it. just remember, people are going to think whatever they want at the end of the day and that's just out of your control. So just try to be yourself at work, and just perhaps start off with asking your manager if there is any extra work you could do. it shows initiative and it may help you control your urge of leaving things half. - practice makes perfect 🙂 as for lectures i hate them too and i always zone out, but what helps me is, practice grounding techniques to change your perspective.

just wiggle your toes whenever you have drifted away from the lecture. wiggling your toes helps you feel more connected to the ground focuses your brain on what's happening physically rather than what's happening mentally.

secondly, when you do feel like your drifting, touch something, smell something and taste something.

as for your homework/study, do you have a study buddy? friends will keep you motivated and im sure they will be willing to help you! there are plenty of people in the same position as you at uni, and talking to people on how you can't focus will probably draw out some people who feel the same way!

i would highly recommend meditation to just focus your mind. Meditation has rewired my brain, and it has helped me be aware of myself emotionally to control feelings of anger, depression and anxiety. You seem extremely talented. Focus on things that bring out the very best in your gift, whether it'd be drawing, writing, building, reading! the fact you have reached out on beyond blue, is a fantastic step.

Community Member


I completely understand what you are feeling and what you are going through, trust me I've been there. Every time I think something is going to get better, reality steps in and it all turns. But I need you to trust me when I say this. You are not dirt, you are not fifth and you're definitely not an idiot. I know its so annoying when people say 'it'll get better' and you're just sitting there thinking well why don't you live in my shoes for a day and still have the same mind frame. But you need to keep fighting, pushing through. Please. Because that's what I've been doing for 7 years and everyday I learn something more. You need to love yourself. I know it sounds corny but its true. If you keep thinking of yourself in such a negative way you turn yourself into those thoughts. Believe me, I've been there. But you need to realise something, no one will ever be you. No one will ever replace you. You are the best you there is. Stop comparing yourself to others because there is nothing to compare. I understand that everything is hard and that everything you seem to do just goes the opposite way but you need to keep fighting because once you cut yourself some slack, learn to love yourself, it'll all change. I practically failed high school, I'm really a no body because I'm not as fun as my other friends because I have baggage. But slowly I am starting to learn to love myself and realise that I mean just as much as everyone else. I am equal to everyone else. There is so much more I could say but all I want you to know is that don't give up on yourself! I wish I could talk to you and explain it all because you are defiantly not alone. And thank you for sharing your story because you show people like me that we are not alone and we shouldn't feel this way!

Everything will get, as my psychologist said to me once (and this is really corner) its like we are in the wizard of oz, Dorothy searched and searched for the way home but she had the answer all long!

Try and distract yourself and talk to others about it, don't isolate yourself.

Much love x

Community Member

Hey Marcsa,

Thanks for the kind response. I'm feeling a lot better than I was when I wrote this. Well, I'm quite a reserved person, so while I do have friends we're not close enough for me to be comfortable talking to them. My uni does have psychological services. I do plan on going to see them, but just working up the motivation to get to that point is just like.. climbing a mountain. It just seems like so much effort to pick up the phone and make an appointment. I keep putting it off. I'm terrible. I promise I'll get there though. I have seen a counsellor in the past but I have trouble talking to them one on one, same with doctors. My brain just sort of panics... if you get what I mean. So in the past all my counselling sessions have been useless (my fault). I'd just go in there and lie to them. I'd tell them I'm doing fabulous at uni (even though I was failing every class). I need to do it right this time.

Community Member

Hey Lynda,

Thanks for responding, I really appreciate it. I haven't been to the doctor about my motivation and concentration issues, but I want to. I'm worried about what to say to them though. What if they just dismiss me as lazy?

My boyfriend at one point discussed the possibility of me potentially having a form of ADHD. But I'm in no way hyperactive. I was in high school, but now I'm the complete opposite.

I don't really think that I'm depressed. I feel more tired, unmotivated and frustrated with myself. I'm sick of the way I am, but I can still be happy sometimes and there are some things that bring me joy. I still can look forward to things. This is not the lowest I've ever been in my life.

I feel a lot calmer and more stable than I did when I first posted this and all your responses have really helped. It's a good feeling to know that there's someone who cares. I hope you're having a great week.

Community Member

Hey Redrose94,

Thanks for replying. You bring up some really good points and suggestions. I do have a hobby; I like to write stories. I find it hard to concentrate on that too though. I've decided to teach myself sign language though. It's nice to feel like I'm achieving something. Even if it's something small.

I have gotten into a few incidents with my boss (regarding uni stuffing up my availability)since posting this and was temporarily taken off the roster. I've since been put back on though and are getting an alright amount of shifts now. So for now I'm just keeping my nose to the floor and just doing what I'm told. I think I'm getting along with my fellow co-workers if nothing else. So that's good.

I'll definitely try the wriggling toes thing.It sounds like a clever idea. I don't really have a study buddy though. I'm quite a reserved person so I don't really talk to anyone in my class. I do have one solid friend who I've been friends with since my first year but she's in a different discipline now, plus she's got a lot of medical stuff going on.

Haha, thanks for calling me talented. And I have tried meditation in the past but I find it difficult to... do. I still don't really understand it. But I'll keep trying.

Thank you so much for all your help. You seem like such a nice person.

Community Member

Hey Rachh,

Thanks for responding and understanding. Wow, it's like you were inside my head. And you're right, I really do need to stop comparing myself to others. I know that I do, but it's easier said than done. It's just an immediate response. It's like I have to completely rewire my brain. I need to stop seeing myself as lesser because that just makes it harder to connect to people. It's a lonely existence living on a shelf below everyone else.

"You are the best you there is." <- Very true. Thanks for putting that in my head.

Again, thank you so so much for responding. It actually makes me so happy to know that someone cares and understands. And look after yourself too. You seem like an amazing person.

Community Member

Hi there,

Well, I can certainly relate to you when it comes to self-hatred. I get a fair bit of that myself. However, I'm sure there are good things about you that you just can't see. Maybe you do have a bad habit of leaving things unfinished, but it doesn't have to define you. Sometimes depression gives me concentration issues as well. I really think you should see a doctor about this. I doubt they would dismiss it as pure laziness. Change is hard, but you'll get there if you decide to and get the help you need.

You're more beautiful than you can see.

Best wishes,