Really confused about my life

[papercut]

hey, im 16 and new to this site but i dont feel like a 16yr old should. Ive never really had alot of friends and pretty much the whole way through primary school i managed to scrape through with only 5 friends. 3 of them been 2 grades below. i never really understood why people didnt like me. i always got picked on and teased for the way i look, people used to insult me and leave me out on purpose. i remember this one boy used to call me "death word" which i eventually just got used to enough to not care about it. shame i was born on the same day as him... which pretty much made the situation worse.

the day i left primary school was probably one of the happiest days of my life... shame i was too young to realise how crap highschool really is. At first things were fine, i had a friend or two and everyone was just getting to know eachother. People sort of looked and me and were already avoiding me, i reckon it was my looks that said it all.

throughout highschool i think ive been in 7 differnt groups of people... and that was from 7-10. now in year 11 im in my 8th group and i get the feeling im not welcome. No-body ever messages me over fb, they never invite me over to hang out.... they dont even say hi to me when they see me. If i was alone they would sit together and they wouldnt write my name if someone asked who was in the group. when i got to around year 8 i was admitted to hospital and diagnosed with crohns disease ( chronic inflammatory bowel disease) and i was told i was going to have a ilesotmy bag for life. Not alot of people knew and some that did teased me for having it. Feeling shattered i wanted to give up. by the time i got to year 10 i was having major difficultiies with my crohns disease and i was admitted about 5 times, until i got my ilesotmy re-done in 2013.... i got basically no messages from people at school ( well nobody messaged me unless i messaged first). and i was then re-admitted about 3 times after.... adding up to me missing about 6 months or so of yr 10. most people thought i left the school and most still dont know or care that i have this disease. I find when someone complains about been sick for one day they get more sympathy  then when im sick for over 6 months.

I feel so invisable and insignificant to anybody. I find it so hard to have conversations with people after my bad experiences. i think ive lost my ability to be social. i normally find myself sitting alone in class and i dont contribute to class discussions. I hate hearing the bell for recess and lunch because i know that means i have to either sit alone or be with people who will just ignore me and treat me like fly on the wall.

 I always find when people talk to me, their tone is higher and more sarcastic than if they were talking to a friend. i feel they think i am socially unaware. They talk to me as if i am a little kid and than they all laugh and giggle as if i dont feel the pain. I dont want to be rude and tell them off for "pretneding to help me" because i remember how bad its gone before. the thing is its mostly girls who are doing this. i know you'd proably just think its girls been b****y but i hate it.

ive tried to ask for help from differnt people but its alwayts gone wrong. my parents made it worse. my so called friends didnt care when i told them i was at a all-time-low and everything just falls apart. My sister is the worst. she always makes me feel so bad. my heads in a bad place. I have one really good friend i always talk to about my problems and she does the same ( we are not gay btw).

i dont know what to do. i cant change schools. I cant get away. im already seeing a pyscologist but i dont feel comfortabe to tell her my thoughts anymore. not after last time. please help....

[SillySonia]

Hey, I am a lot older than you but if its any consolation most people feel like crap at school. They just act like they don't. Its a time when we are very self conscious and want to fit in with our peers.

But you are young enough to change how you view this and to pursue a course in life that you value and will reward you in return.

I feel (and its only an opinion) that you may need to work on your self esteem. There are courses in this.

Is there a subject or activity which you enjoy and/or are good at? If so, perhaps you should pursue that and through that you will attract like minded people who will appreciate you.

Try not to be concerned about the other kids at school. Easily said than done, I know. I was a fairly popular kid at school but I hid my issues from others. I was also bullied for about a year. Ironically, years later one of these bullies became a teacher and she didn't even remember me. People like that don't really place importance on others. So my advice to you is try not to react to those who are unkind to you. Don't worry about social media etc. Its all superficial anyway. I don't like it myself. Don't worry about how many friends you have. Its quality not quantity that matters.

Maybe keep a diary of your thoughts. I think you need to find someone you can trust to confide in. I  know that's hard. Is there a school counsellor who can advise on this?

I wish you well.

[papercut]

anything i was interested in subject wise is gone. im not welcomed into group work from people in class. nobody ever wants to sit with me. I have no friends at my school, the school counselor is useless.

my concern isnt social media. that was just an example of how people are towards me compared to their friends.

thanks anyway

[SillySonia]

Don't give up.

Just wondering if you were to leave school, could you complete your school studies at a college? From memory, there are tertiary colleges that offer the HSC in NSW for instance.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Papercut,

First of all, welcome to the BB forums. I hope you find some hope and support here.

It sounds like you have a really rough time of it and haven't had a moments respite.

I am 24, at the other end of uni and let me tell you, my high school experience was terrible. The post high school years haven't been easy but they were easier than the years I spent in high school. I was undiagnosed, but depressed and self harmed in high school because of a variety of my own issues. Somehow high school just seems to bring out the worst in people. I was bullied for simply being smart and an introvert. Even though I got good grades I hated group projects and even just coming to home class in the morning because of the way our school system does not cater for people who honestly do better on their own. I hated having to sit in a group with other people. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert or an extrovert, the world needs both.

But less about me, more about you. I think it's great that you do have one close friend. While many 'friends' have floated away over the years, I have still have the two close friends I had in high school. There is nothing more valuable than having that one friend you can trust. It certainly doesn't sound like you are getting support from your family.

I know you said the councillor at school is not working out but would you be open to trying to talk someone new? There is a group called Headspace, which specialise in young people with mental illness and help them through the tough times. They have people on staff you could talk too and maybe help you out. I know it's hard telling somebody new everything all over again, but if you were open to it, they are just a Google away. You can even go along with just your friend, not your parents and sister.  I feel like it would be really good  if you could find someone you trust with your thoughts to talk to.

It is however your choice and entirely up to you. Just a suggestion. 🙂

In the mean time, I hope you can post here. The people on this forum are from all ages and walks of life. The one thing that joins us all together is that we have all suffered from this terrible illness. There is, in my opinion, an understanding here you just don't get any where else.

Take Care,

GA

[DaenOwens96]

Hey there mate. I'm 17 my self. 

For me school was horrible, Primary wasn't all that bad I had a few friends a little group we would just hang out play hand ball or whatever to past the time. leaving primary for me was really shit because all of my friends were in a year below. So starting High School I was very nervous and shy. I had an Elder sister at the school but that didn't matter. Year 7 started and I had no friends I was very shy and didn't really go Introduce myself to anyone and no one really Introduced themselves to me.

I was all alone at school, just trying to get through each passing day, I would sit alone in class and just to the work. And During the breaks was the worst, Knowing I had no one to hang out with or talk to just the feeling of being alone surrounded by all these other people I felt left out, I felt invisible. To make things even worse I started getting bullied physically and verbally. People would call me names, hit me. just do anything to disturb me, I don't see why the would do it or what the purpose was but At first I was kind of okay with it, just not letting it get to me. but after quite some time of it continuing It really got to me.

I started worrying heaps, and avoiding people and certain places. I would stop going to class and just walk around school. Eventually I didn't go to any classes and sometimes I wouldn't even leave the school and go home or somewhere else. Now at this point my Parents had no Idea what was going on. In about year 9 I started to self Harm.

A Friend saw and she was worried so she took me to one of the Teachers and he rang my mum who at work, she was in tears and worry upset and worried because she had no idea what had been going on. 

So basically School was hell for me, I had no friends no one to hang out with or talk too. and I was dumb as f**k and couldn't learn anything. I failed at everything I do and I always will. I am meant to be in year 12 but I dropped out. 

So now I spend my days doing nothing, I don't have a job, don't earn any money, I do nothing at all. I have been on Anti-Depressant for a very long time now. and It has helped with my Depression and Anxiety some what. But Ill never get a job or earn money or do anything with my life or succeed.

I guess this isn't a very good reply You properly wanted to hear more positive stuff. 

But don't worry No one talks to me on Facebook either unless I message first and usually the conversation isn't very long or interesting.

But keep your head up high stay positive and don't worry about anyone else expect your self. be sure to don't be like me and study hard, find a good job! and do something amazing with your life my friend. become an amazing person! 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Your friend 

-Daen 

[papercut]

yeah i am currently doing a Tafe course in animal studies at sydney college but theres no way my parents would let me drop out of school and complete school there.

[papercut]

tankyou for the advice, ill check that out. Its hard for me to tell people, but im willing to do it if it means i can be free from this condition.

sorry to hear about your bad expereinces. teens are just b**ches. i sometimes prefer social work too, but it would be nice if someone would offer me a place with them and their friends

[papercut]

hey Daen,

thankyou for your reply. dont take this the wrong way but its good to hear other peoples expereices without the sugarcoat.Sounds similar to whats going on inside my head..

cant say ive ever skipped class.But break times are always frustrating as i always think people are talking or laughing about me when i stand alone. I sometimes feel like just walking out of the gates, but i dont want my parents involved.

A few years ago i took anti-depressents after i was self-harming, but i tried to OD on it and i wasnt trusted anymore. Its hard now beause i have all of these bad thoughts going through my head and i get irritated at at smallest things. I'm affraid to get a casual job as i think i might stress out too much. I am currently at tafe and doing a course in animal studies but school is becoming more stressful and i dont want to break down under the pressure.

sorry for the late reply... Ive been in hospital for my crohns disease.. which nobody at school cared enough to message me. bbut oh well.

[cancerianmoon]

Dear Papercut,

I've read your thread and now wish to comment. You sound very mature for your age, you're articulate and obviously very intelligent.  I'm excited for you doing the animal studies course.... do you feel more comfortable with animals?  I know I do.... they don't judge and are always happy to see you; plus they seem to know when you need comforting.  Do you own a dog?  Whilst they are a big responsibility, this could be a good thing!  Also, exercise... it does get the endorphins flowing.  Even just going for a walk can help.  I've gone through a really bad few days and today I forced myself to take my 2 dogs for a walk...actually, they wouldn't leave me alone so I had no choice... but I really did feel better.  If you don't/can't own a dog, and given your interest in animals, have you thought of volunteering at an animal shelter?  This could complement your course and give you an interest, the bonus being you'd be with like minded people!  I don't mean to push the dog/animal angle but it has worked for me.  I sincerely wish you all the very best with your studies...if you find it's becoming overwhelming could you talk to the course co ordinator about your condition and ask for extra time or some form of concession... it sounds like this course is a wonderful stepping stone to a successful future!   Hang in there! X