Struggling to find myself. Or to like myself.

[Ryan92]

Hi guys, i'm totally new to this thing but i feel like i need to get some things off my chest that have been weighing me down pretty much my whole life. I'm a 21 year old guy who can't seem to find any reason to be genuinely happy. I find it very hard to admit, but i practically have no friends, which i think is pretty sad and a major cause for my depression. I have nobody to call on if i'm ever bored, nobody to just spend time with because i believe that i'm not good enough for others to show interest. I always feel like people are judging me because i see so many flaws in myself that i'm worried are visible to the outside world to scrutinise. Whether it's at work, uni, at the shops, or even driving my car, i always think somebody somewhere is looking at me and judging me. These thoughts are slowly consuming me and i can't even walk in public without sweating like crazy and feeling immensely tense and worried that people are looking down at me.

Physically, i've been told by many that i'm good looking (not to toot my own horn or anything, i just want you to know that nothing physically is drawing these worries, it's all internal and it's all in my head). The only time i can truly be myself and truly be able to relax and breathe is when i am on my own in my own house. At all other times i am so stressed. I'm just so unhappy with my life. I have a great job, i study at university, but i need more than that. Something other than the materialistic aspects of life. I want to be able to like people and for them to like me. I want to be able to approach people as my normal self and form at least 1 normal friendship.

I'm worried that i'll forever be alone. And that scares me like crazy. I can't explain the immense feeling of sadness in my heart. I just want someone to like me.

I hate myself, and i think it shows. I literally hate myself and i don't know what to do about it. Sometimes i just want to drop everything and not have to worry about anything. Because why should i keep on trying to build my life when i'm so lonely and fed up with life. I wish i could just summon the courage to be myself and to talk to people like a normal person. I don't know who i am and i don't know why i just can't be like other people.  

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

People probably aren't watching you on the street.  They probably have their own business to attend to.  But even if they are, it doesn't actually affect you, does it?  I mean, they don't have laser eyes (or laser.. judgement), so their gaze or judgement doesn't actually do anything to you.  People judge everything.  I see a carrot on the ground and I'm going to judge it.  "You smelly carrot, you!".  It doesn't matter, though.  Maybe I see a person yelling to his friend about how he hates Indonesian people and I think "This guy's an idiot", but then he helps an old lady pick up her dropped carrots and I think "Oh okay he's not so bad".  You always have more chances to impress people.  People are rich tapestries, and people know that people are rich tapestries.

You can initiate conversation with pretty much anything - "I like your shirt", "Hi, I'm Fred.  No, wait..", "Did you know that some species of turtle can breathe through their butts?", "So.. racism sucks, hey?".  Try to focus on *them*, which should help quiet the pointless introspective chatterings ("Oh crap, that was a stupid question.  Did I pronounce that word correctly?  Why am I fiddling with my hands so much?  Oh but now they feel weird just slumped there.  Why do I even have these 'hand' things??  What idiot designed me??!'").

[Mike_101]

Hi Ryan

Strangely enough I use to go around wondering why everyone was looking at me when I was walking on the street or even when I was at work. It got to such an extent that I thought I had a booger hanging out my nose all the time and that was what they were looking at. I would always check in the nearest reflective object to see what was wrong with my appearance - but obviously nothing ever was. (it would be the opposite of a Narcissus complex) I also didn't engage in conversation with anyone unless I had to because I thought I wasn't interesting enough to talk to or I would say something stupid.

Eventually I went poking around some books and the internet and came across a thing that seemed to describe what I was doing - over-analyzing everything. I actually liked the description analysis paralysis, but it can be described in many different ways, but the point was that I was just over thinking everything.

I read on the wikipedia one time about the centipede's dilemma:

A spider met a centipede while hurrying down the street,

"How do you move at such speed, with all so many feet?"
"I do not have to contemplate to keep them all in line,

But if I start to concentrate they're tangled all the time!"

As Odin has suggested - it doesn't matter if they are looking at you. Obviously your looking at them to see them looking at you - they might be wondering why everyone is looking at them also. Unless we all walk around with our eyes to the ground we all look at someone at sometime. You said people have told you that you're good looking - maybe they are looking at you because your good looking. Guys look at girls because they are good looking, or dressed nice. Chances are that some people are looking at you because they find you attractive - I know that doesn't help you now, but it could be a reason why people are looking at you and not because they can spot invisible flaws.

As with having hardly any friends and all the flaws you point out on yourself - I'm sure they aren't as bad as you think they are and it comes back to over analyzing everything. Maybe someone invites you out for drinks or a movie but you turn them down because you think something will go wrong (in your head you've already gone out with them and its ended terribly) usually in a few seconds it passes through your mind. Obviously over thinking about things only ends in the negative - once I thought of something it only stopped when I hit that negative brick wall and that's why I talked myself out of everything.

Has anyone ever made a mistake around you or said something stupid or had their t-shirt inside out - or a strand of hair out of place. Did you point at them and laugh, or did the sky open up and thunderbolts struck them down? No I doubt it. Life goes on, you went about your business took it in your stride and nothing happened to that person. Nothing will happen if you have a flaw, nothing will happen if someone judges you - let them judge you and find all the flaws they want - it makes no difference.

If you try not to think so much you'll find that your perfectly normal. Obviously it wont happen overnight (it didn't with me) and will take time, but when you realize your over thinking everything you will find it easier to stop the negative thoughts about yourself.

Kind regards

Mike

[Tiny]

Hi Ryan,

I know how you feel Ryan, I feel like that everyday.

I don't fit in anywhere and I cant expect anyone else to like me if I don't even like me.

You are not alone and hopefully we would both overcome such eccentricities and at least be happy in our own skin.

Keep going 🙂