"Its finally time to talk"

[megsii]

Hi, I'm still only a teenager, currently receiving help for my anxiety & depression. I absolutely hate talking about personal things, or talking in general, I feel violated when I do. My Psychiatrist and Mother have suggested going on this site, beyondblue and signing up. Except i'm not use to talking to others with similar problems, I really do want to get help, I feel like an alien and abnormal with these mental "issues", I feel like I belongs in a mental institution.
I honestly don't know how to start, except for asking if anyone else is in the same boat as me? I'm struggling to just press the "post" button because I hate sympathy and attention, I prefer being in the shadows if that makes any sense haha?
I guess deep down there is a quite lingering voice telling me to talk to someone?

Sincerely, megsii.

[HA1]

Hello Megsii

Welcome to beyondblue! What you experienced with posting is the same us many of us.  But I am glad you very brave enough to push that post button - well done!  But can I say right up front, and in the strongest terms, that you are 'normal', there is absolutely nothing abnormal about how you feel. We can talk about your feeling on this more if you like.

You have joined a community of people that will understand you and what you are going through.  There is not a question you cannot ask, or an issue that you cannot vent about - we are all here to listen to you.

You seem a bit like me, I don't like talking much  and certainly not about myself and my issues.  But neither you nor I are alone in feeling like this.  There are many others in our community here, that feel the same.  Our illness will want to make us withdraw into our own world (at least in my case, that is how it feels) and we tend not to share too much.  But that is the beauty of this forum, you can talk to people like yourself in absolute anonymity.  In my case this allows me to communicate with others about how I feel, my thoughts, etc, in a way that I would otherwise not.

Let this be just a short welcoming post, and I, and others on here, look forward to hearing much more from you.

Thank you for joining our community on BB.

Take care

K

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Megsii,

Yes, thank you for posting. You are talking to a fifty year old father of five, including one teenage daughter!

Hideaway is absolutely right, there is no judgement here, just acceptance. Please try to see the difference between those qualities and simple pity.

I have no idea what it is like to be a teenager anymore, only what it is like to try and raise them! I do know that it is a much tougher world for teenagers than the world I grew up in, so please don't beat yourself up so much. I never had to content with the internet, bombardment with the news, bullying on FB or any of the things that modern technology has brought for your generation.

You are, however, anonymous on here. As am I. I hope that helps you share your feelings. Me, or somebody like me, will always listen and respond.

Kind regards, John.

[CrashCoyote]

sorry, contend, not content! What is it you are feeling?

[megsii]

I think that's it though, I need to talk not that I want to, I need to. Also need to learn how to cope, because I literally cant cope with the absolute smallest little things. And I tend to run towards "harmful" things to actually cope with bad situations.
I don't know how to get out of this vicious circle, I will not go into detail with anything, at least not yet.

But my life is a constant dark hole, I just want to be invisible, don't want to talk, don't want people to know I exist, I just want to be left alone all the time.
And every time I go to my psychiatrist there's just another issue on the list for me. It seems to never stop. I'm a walking mental issue.

I hate spilling my emotions, and putting my stress on others shoulders, so I apologise haha! No one from my workplace, friends nor family (whom don't know any of this) would ever guess I have so much wrong with me, I try to be this happy, positive girl in front of everyone, it wears me out honestly, cause that's not me deep down.

- Megsii

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Megsii,

Thank you for posting again. That on it's own is a positive sign.

You are not a burden to anyone on here. We choose to read posts of you and each other and we respond because we can empathise.

You could also try the web chat service or the phone number. Very anonymous and very supportive.

Please take care and know that there are heaps of us out here to support you and get you through this. (You can get through this!)

Kind regards, John.

[HA1]

Hi again Megsii!

I do understand what you are saying.  One of the biggest challenges for people suffering from mental illness, is to talk about it.  Yet talking about it plays such an important part of recovery.  I would tend to agree that this site can, to a degree, fill that void.  Perhaps you can use it to, in effect, practice talking eventually face-to-face with someone about how you feel. I hear you when you say that you are not ready to share everything, and that is fine - only share what you are comfortable with sharing.  I think that makes you in the majority here.  

It is good that you are talking with a psychiatrist, but you have not mentioned whether you have met with a psychologist.  Dare I say, without offending my psychiatrist, that I can't really talk with the psychiatrist - I generally listen and try and make sense of what they are saying.  However, a different story with my clinical psychologist. For someone who is introverted and suffers social anxiety, I can't seem to shut up when I am with the psychologist.  I am lucky to have found a good one.  Although I have no real measure of what a good psychologists should be like - I base it solely on the fact that I am comfortable speaking and sharing.  If someone can make me share like have with this psychologist, then I figure they must be good.  Maybe you can be us lucky as I have been?  You never know.

I have been where you are, trying to blend into the background so that I can't be noticed, avoiding talking through my 'issues' instead keeping them bottled up and allowing to brew.  I was always the cool and unflappable one, the one who stayed calm in a crisis.  No one will ever know what I actually went through.  When I became really sick, I just disappeared from sight and from work, without  a goodbye.   Because I did not want to share my issues with anyone else.  After that it seems to have gone from bad to 'badder'. Sorry for this piece of rant, but I just wanted to try and let you know that you will never be alone with the feelings you are going through, there will always someone who you can talk with and who will understand.

A final point, never apologise to anyone on this site for telling us how you feel and for sharing your thoughts. We all do that - that is why we are here.

I do wish you all the best and hope that you will continue to talk with us on this forum. I will be on sporadically (trying to get over a crappy patch myself), but will watch our for your posts.

Take care

K

[megsii]

Hello again.

I'm really appreciative that people reply to my messages, and give their time to reply. I do so thankyou.
I'm actually going to see a psychologist soon, but only to check if I'm on the right meds, maybe it will help? At first I denied there was anything wrong with me the first time my Mother brought me in to the doctor after the worst episode I've ever been in. I didn't want anything wrong with me, and I didn't want to accept it, nor the meds. But I have and still am, so I think that has helped a lot (cant believe im saying that, but they have).

I suffer from a list of things, but all contributing to eachother. And in hind site I never knew it but I do know now that I've had them for years. I' ve suffered from OCD, to a point where I believed I couldn't sleep, and had to do these "rituals" to help me sleep (they never worked). I did that to the point of getting an hour a sleep a night, for 9 weeks. That was a very traumatic time for my family, it exhausted them.

I was always very anxious child and being diagnosed with anxiety has explained a lot! And when very bad things happened (wont share yet) I got very anxious I couldn't cope. I tended to run away just in the near bush and listen from afar, to all the yelling and smashing of things. That's when the self harm started.

I couldn't cope, didn't know how to, I wanted everything to stop and all this mental panic to stop..

I never told anyone, and it got worse, my brother (whom was the one who yelled, and broke stuff) suffered from ADD and depression (we didn't know at the time).

I've been threatened many times that i'll be taken to the mental hospital, to one point mum faked the phone call to them. At that time I ran, i WAS manic. Completely out of control.
Sometimes though, i wished i went to a hospital, just so i know there are others like me, i feel like a monster, alien.

I don't know how to cope, apart from self harm. It was better when no one knew, it was my little secret, it helped. So why is it bad if it helps, i don't want to die or anything i just want to cope.

- Megsii

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Megsii,

It sounds like you responded just how any other child in that situation might. Sometimes it is hard for those around you to manage the situation themselves and the hope that faking a call to the mental health people might somehow jolt you out of your anxiety or OCD or anything else is an example.

I was a policeman once and often saw parents wag their finger at their child, point at me and say things like, "If you don't eat your vegetables (put your seat belt on, go to school etc) the policeman will come and put you in gaol." They didn't realise that they were teaching their child to fear the one group of people in society that are easily recognisable to children and will always help them if they need it.

Maybe all those years of being threatened with treatment has given you an underlying fear of it? I try to see mental illness as no different to physical illness. If you had a deep cut on your arm that prevented you using it normally, and didn't see the doctor, it could get septic, heal poorly, you could lose some of the use of it, end up with a scar and so on. If you saw the doctor, he would clean the wound and stitch it using medicines, equipment and skills that you do not possess. It might never be back to how it was but it will be the best result you can get.

Try to imagine the difference between your ability to manage your conditions on your own, using intuition, the advice of confidantes and other unskilled sources compared to someone that has the skills and experience to provide salient and objective advice and coping strategies.

You deserve a better quality of life and it will take your willingness to get help to find it. Please try. We, all of us on here, care for you and will support you in your fight.

Kind regards, John. 

[megsii]

Hi John

I do believe I have a fear of mental issues, because I don't want to be labelled anything, nor do I want to except it.
I tend to constantly want to be left alone, I don't want to be engaged with social activities, not even in my own house, I refuse to talk. I don't exactly know why, I feel I'm comfortable being bundled up with my feelings and to feel inexistent to others, it makes me feel at peace with myself and others.

Apart from having the sleep difficuiltys years ago, I've always been a perfectionist, things as little as at school i had to have my writing look perfectly neat, and if it wasn't I had to rip out that page and start again. I'm a very artistic person, and into writing, though im very critical and abandoned my works as i was afraid they weren't "perfect" and constantly comparing my work to others.

But how i wish i could draw and write again with no difficulties is a dream, that was my escape back then.

- Megsii