People’s Opinions

[Jess_P2001]

I’ve been noticing a lot that people are basing their opinion of me off someone who i am not friends with anymore opinion. It’s really getting to me because i was somewhat friends with these people before i had a falling out with this person and now it seems like they instantly choose her side. I’m not nasty and am always friendly to people so it gets me down a bit that they can’t make up their own opinion on me based on their own experience. The falling out was purely due to just not getting along as friends anymore. Is this common in early 20s or is it the people Im around, or just my experience. It causes a lot of anxiety when i’m in social settings now as i feel so judged and unwanted and instantly shut myself out because of this. I’m not nasty and i never cause drama or anything like that so i just feel lost. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, it is more than common. It isnt you, its likely words spoken not in your presence that has tainted others view of you. That's more common in younger people than older people.

So, the real answer to it is to 

1/  accept that friendships come and go and should be looked upon like its fluid. If thats accepted then if someone drifts away they might return down the track. That's human nature and easier than getting upset about them drifting

2/ Sometimes "narcissistic triangulation" can be the culprit, nasty people are common and best you let them go and keep your distance. The best friend you can have keeps their issues between you and them.

3/ Make new friends and this in/out door of that fluidity I mentioned goes on all your life. Eventually a few true friends will hang around and remain loyal.

4/  People change. Those treating you poorly now might learn their lesson and in 10 years time may well be different in terms of values and regret their treatment of you. 

5/ Sensitive and nice people like you are more vulnerable to nasty people. All the more reason to protect yourself from them and keep your distance. 

6/  If ever a person that doesnt have your values questions you about not encouraging them to be closer friends, quietly remind them of the incident when you fell out and by them spreading ill will with your other friends you drifted as you dont share their values. They might realise and try again.

You are not a nasty person, you are kind and nice. Keep hold of that priceless attitude.

TonyWK

[yours_truly]

Hi Jess_P2001,

Congratulations on finding the courage to reach out and the strength to actively seek advice. I hope you find what you are looking for on here 🙂

Unfortunately, I find this to be a common situation. However, this does mean you are not alone and your feelings are very real and very valid. If you notice that you are experiencing low self-esteem and the way their opinions form is bothering you to a deep level, then I would recommend that you face it using coping strategies. 

This may involve having a conversation with the people who are viewing you negatively and just talking it out. Or, it may also involve changing your environment and the people you surround yourself with. It sounds like it is an environment that is harming you and in that situation, it would be the wiser choice to deal with the situation, rather than let it continue. Facing these sorts of social situations can be very daunting, but when considered in the long run, is essential. Beyond blue offers services where they can give you the catered advice and the help that you may find useless. 

I wish you good luck and hope you recognise your self-worth,

Yours truly