No Trust and Misunderstoood

[ifallintofantasy]

I was born with APD (Audio Processing Disorder) its a learning disorder/ speech impediment that a small number of children have. I had it really bad as child and received speech therapy for it. That part of the disorder is not a problem for me anymore but the learning part is still. At school teachers assume what I need, and my classmates bullied me because I stand out. Making friends is a big problem for me, they tend to use and reject me. This leaded me to show myself in what they want to see and not be myself. This factors lead me self sabotaging myself and not trusting anyone including family members. 

I am 24 and not currently in any study, I recently moved in the city, this for me was a meant as new beginning, I was even getting along with my family better but had a recent breakdown. I am so sick of not trusting people around and being misunderstood. Meting new people always put me on edge, I try to be what they like, convinced that is nothing about myself to like or interested. With depression I get insomnia and some panic attacks.

[white knight]

Hi IAITF,  welcome here.

I cant imagine the hurt you have experienced. I reach out to you. I'll try hard to post something positive here.

TRUST?  Some of us have been let down many many times in our lives to reach a similar conclusion. For me I had the idea from childhood (am 58yo) that one should trust first THEN reject if I found them untrustworthy. This however only opened me up to hurt on a continuous basis. So have I changed my process when meeting others- yes. I've put in place the following-

- I dont try to create a life like others. I no longer try to keep up with my friends with how often they meet up, or try to join in conversations if I dont want to etc. I am me. I am on the fringe.

-I reduced my Facebook friends from 180 to 45. Only those loving and caring friends will be accepted. I reject friendship applications if I dont know them.

- People in authority (like teachers as you mentioned) are no different to other people in that many do not know our needs. With mental illness this is a big struggle for many of us. Not only that these people dont know our needs they often dont want to know and make no effort. Sometimes, in uni for example they are too busy or uni doesnt give them enough time to be one on one. Same result. We cant expect focussed effort on us in some situations. Perhaps this is where counselling comes in?

- Love yourself. You are unique and wonderful, all you have to do is convince yourself. This has nothing to do with arrogance. It's all about accepting yourself.

-Spiritual home.  Delve into you own spiritual place of healing. Google Prem Rawat youtube 'the perfect instrument'. You might like that one or one of his many more wonderful videos. They are not religious but inspiring.

I dont have anymore advice. Feel free to use this forum anytime.