Need advice on religion, family, gender and sexuality. I know it's a lot.

[NonbinaryDragon]

Hello. Let's start this of with a bit of an introduction. My name is Quinn, my pronouns are they/them and I'm nonbinary, asexual and panromantic. At least I'm pretty sure that's all true. My family is pretty homophobic, especially my dad. When I first came out to him he basically waved it off as me just making stuff up to fit in with my new friends. We had just moved to where I know live and for the first time ever in my life I was going to a new school and my friend group was almost entirely LGBTQIA+. I had no idea about any of it so they had to teach me and I came to the above realisations. One of my other currant problems is that I'm beginning to question my religion. I'm I'm raised catholic and my parents are both very strongly catholic but I just don't fell very connected to it. I have been doing a bit of reaserch and I found like all that pagen witchcraft stuff and that looks really cool but I don't really know what to do, or how to tell my parents. My other problem is my extended family. We used to live with my mums parents when we first moved here but it's wasn't great. My grandfather started drinking again and he got really drunk most nights and got into fights with my dad. We eventualy moved out and not it's like my mum wants me to forget everything that he did and just be friends with him again, but every time I go over to visit he's always drunk and says stupid stuff. I just don't know what to do, and I have been feeling really sad most days and I think I might have depression but my dad said it can't be that because I still enjoy my hobbies. I just need some help and advice. Thanks in advance.

[smallwolf]

Hello. Just thought I would pop in and see how you were going?

[NonbinaryDragon]

Ok so everyone anew problem has come up that pretty important. My dad just out of the blue told me that I'm going to see a gynaecologist on Monday. So one thing I haven't mentioned is that I have Polycystic Ovaries which I actualy like having because it means I don't have a period. Like at all. I have had doctors tell me that I'm not at risk of anything because of it but apparently my mum wants me to go to the gynaecologist anyway. I'm really scared of going because I have no idea what to expect. Like am I going to have to get undressed??? Also is it OK to ask to speak to them alone without my mum in the room because I want to mention that I'm nonbinary and would prefer to continue without my period. How do I do that. I need some help.

[Isabella_]

Hey there,

It's a scary and uncomfortable thing to do for the first time, I know what it's like.

Your mother definitely doesn't have to be in the room (I think typically the doctor recommends them not to be). If you're concerned, just tell your mum beforehand, and if she insists on coming in, tell the doctor and the doctor will direct her into the waiting room. I hope you can feel comfortable in telling the doctor that you're non binary and that they will take extra care in making you comfortable.

Unfortunately yes.. On the visit you will have to undress into a gown so the gynaecologist can check that everything is okay.

Please rest assured that they are professionals and they do a really amazing job at making you feel as comfortable as possible. The nerves for me were strongest leading up to that point but I felt really comfortable once everything started, and for me the check up went pretty quickly.

I don't have polycystic ovaries myself.. But a friend of mine has it and only gets her period every 3 months. From my understanding if unmanaged it can cause other issues with your mood and other aspects of your health, so I'm sure your doctor wants to do their best to diagnose whether the polycystic ovaries are severe and could cause other problems.

I've also heard that they can use birth control to treat it to manage your hormones, and luckily this means you have control over whether you get your period or not (yay!), meaning you can enjoy not having a period while avoiding any potential negative symptoms in the future. And if not having a period is super important to you, then please let them know and they can talk you through some other options also.

I'm really proud of you for going, I know it must be really hard. I'm not sure if you experience gender dysphoria, but that would make things all the more difficult.. You're doing a great thing for your health at the end of the day and these doctors see thousands and thousands of people with vaginas, it's just another part of the body. It takes a lot of courage and vulnerability.

If you have any other questions about the visit pleeease ask and I'll try my best to answer 🙂

I wish you the best with your appointment, I hope you're taking care of yourself ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[NonbinaryDragon]

Yeah I do have gender dysphoria and the one part of my body I actualy feel comfortable with is the fact that I don't have a period. I'm getting really anxious about going and I feel like I might have a panic attack. I'm weighing up Wether or not to tell my mum how terrified I am of going. The more I think about it the more scared I'm getting.

[Isabella_]

I'm sorry that you're feeling really anxious about it.. I know it's not easy.

Can you think of some things that can help you feel grounded when you feel like your anxiety is getting too much? It could be something like drinking water, making a cup of tea, going for a walk, watching youtube or listening to music. Taking deep breaths into your nose for 5 seconds, and slowly breathing out of your mouth for 5 seconds can really help to settle your body and mind down..

If you're considering talking to your mum about your nerves I think that would be a really great idea.. You have nothing to be ashamed of and hopefully she can help to ease your nerves and talk you through what the appointment might look like.

It might be helpful for you to think of some things you can ask your doctor for that can help you relax during the appointment.. You could keep headphones in during it to keep you distracted, some sunglasses so you don't have any lights on your and you can close your eyes to relax, you can talk through your worries with the doctor and they can tell you exactly what will happen before the exam begins.. I'm not sure of all the answers but I'm sure the doctor will have some things in place that will help to ease your nerves.

If you're comfortable talking to your mum, give it a go.. You may not even need to go through the exam and they might just have a talk to you about what could be going on. If you really feel like you aren't ready at this point in your life, then that's completely okay and understandable too..

It's natural that medical appointments like this can bring up your gender dysphoria.. Do you have any ways that you've learned how to manage or ease these feelings in the past, and any services that you think could be helpful in talking to? Talking to people going through the same things as you can be really helpful.. I understand that going to this appointment could be really triggering for you and your mental health is very important..

There are some helplines I know of that I could send through if you're interested.. Just let me know.

I'm glad that you're opening up about this.. Feel free to fill us in on how you're feeling and your thoughts around all of this.. ❤️

[NonbinaryDragon]

Well... I talked to my mum and there's good news and bad news. Good news is that this us just a talking appointment and literally nothing else is going to happen. Bad news is during this conversation we ended up talking about my gender identity and my mum basically said that everything I am feeling is normal for puberty and it's just my hormones. So that wasn't great. (By the way I have actualy had my hormones tested and while my testosterone is slightly higher then normal it is within parameters). So for the rest of the afternoon I have been constantly thinking about whether I'm just faking it.

[Isabella_]

I'm glad you spoke to her 🙂

It's good that it's a talking appointment.. The doctor or your mum can't make you do anything you're uncomfortable with.

It sounds like you're feeling dismissed from your mum because she's boiling your gender identity down to a phase or part of puberty..

Sadly our parents aren't educated enough about or open minded to the idea of gender and sexuality as a spectrum, the concept of being gender fluid or non binary.. I hope you can feel a little bit of peace in the fact that it sounds like she's has ignorance around the topic and at some point she may be more open to be educated and accepting.

Of course it's natural for your identity to go through huge changes during puberty. In year 7 I learned about gender fluidity and felt that I identified more male.. I cut my hair off and changed my wardrobe, lowered my voice, hated my body for what it was turning into.

Eventually around 15 or 16 I came to a stage where I started identifying more feminine and I feel stable as a female now at 19. But I think going through that part of my life was really hard and full of insecurity, and it was a natural part of figuring out who I am.

Your mum may be right about the fact that what you're feeling is normal, because it is.. However that doesn't invalidate who you are.

Who you feel you are, and what you identify as at this point in time is completely valid and real.. Only you can decide that and feel it in your gut. Naturally it might fluctuate, and sadly you'll have people in your life who will make you question who you are. But point is.. If it's who you are now, then that matters, whether it lasts or not.

Going through the journey of changing your pronouns is a massive step into falling into the identity you fit into.. And it's a journey you might go down forever.. You endlessly learn more about yourself. Your sense of self right now is so fragile (I'm not sure exactly how old you are)..

Your gender identity isn't something you can fake in my eyes. What you identify as now might change, but it is still real and valid.. Just like all the other aspects of our personality. I consider myself straight.. But in the future I might meet another girl who gives me butterflies.. That doesn't mean I wasn't straight before that, and it's up to me what labels I decide to put on myself based on that (if any). It's all a spectrum I suppose.

❤️

[NonbinaryDragon]

Well it's the morning of the appointment. I will let you know who it went when I get back.

[Isabella_]

That's great, feel free to share about it when you're ready 🙂

[NonbinaryDragon]

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm ok, a lots happening at the moment and when I get some down time I will reply and tell you everything.