My story

[mrkd1991]

I figured I'd post about myself, excluding some details as to not distress or offend others. 

I am 24 years old, happily engaged, I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar type 2, depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, alcoholism, dissociative disorder. 

I struggled with severe verbal and physical abuse growing up, bullying in school, countless suicide attempts, severe panic attacks, alcohol and drug abuse/addiction.

I have seen countless specialists, taken numerous different medications but nothing helps.

At present I am un managed and un medicated.

Keeping up with the different aspects and changes of all my problems is very consuming, life often seems pointless.

[white knight]

Hi mrkd, welcome here

You've had a rough start to life. But there are constant changes happening that will change things.

You're 24yo, in 6 years time 30yo and when you get there you'll look upon your past troubles as being a long long time ago compared to now. You'll be more mature, hopefully more settled within yourself and more directional.

So between now and then set yourself short, medium and long term plans. Structure your life more. Aim at goals and focus on these goals and more importantly enjoy the ride, every minor goal adds up to the major goal. eg save for an item you want like a music app, then a car etc. Pat yourself on the back by achieving these goals.

Attend positive motivation lectures (one changed my life in 1982 forever and it was only 30 minutes duration). Read up on how to improve your thinking. Essentially you would be seeking any information as to b=getting the very best out of your abilities.

We all here have had disrupted lives as children. Some of us go to greater heights to control our lives better than ever expected and manage our illnesses relatively well. While others don't reach their potential or are less fortunate and have others troubles. To an extent you have the ability (bad luck excluded) to make your life a success. It is partly due to luck but the majority of it is within you.....maybe deeply in you but its there.

In the meantime I often recommend motivational videos as well. Google "maharaji prem rawat sunset" or maharaji prem rawat the perfect instrument" and there are many more. This might introduce you to a spiritual side or a side needing motivation. Its not religion.

You can achieve a lot in life. Break the barriers....start small

Tony WK

[mrkd1991]

Hi Tony, thanks for the reply.

I feel very reluctant to set goals for myself as it seems every time I do, something goes wrong, or an unpassable object appears to shatter my dreams once again.

As a child I grew up on a farm, farming was in my blood and it was something I greatly enjoyed. My family were actually renting a house on a farm, and our landlord the farmer was a great guy who always let me help. In a sense I saw him as a second dad(thats a different story).

My life goal was to be a farmer, to one day take over the farm. Then problems with my father started interfering. Eventually I was no longer aloud to help out. Dream ended.

A little later in life, somewhat through my brothers persuasion I began wishing to become a mechanic, eventually working in drag racing. I later landed my self an apprenticeship. Near the end I partially broke my knee due to excessive strain (due to my height - 6ft 7). Doctors told me I could no longer do the job, otherwise I would be facing knee replacements and spinal surgery. Dream ended.

After that I became more and more interested in IT, specifically software development. I got into a diploma of software development and everything was going great. I was soon after diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. This began greatly impacting on my performance. Two extensions and two years later (12 month course) I had to withdraw. Dream ended.

Whilst doing the IT course I became interested in health and fitness, specifically body building and personal training. I began working out and started cert 4 in personal training. After a bad shoulder injury at work, severe spinal inflammation and now a diagnosis of fibromyalgia  (as well as the mental conditions) I also had to withdraw from this course and give up my dreams of body building. Dreams ended.

Everything I strive for dies.

I have tried motivational things before but I don't seem to respond well to any of it. Though I will try and look into your suggestions. 

Mark

[white knight]

Hi Mark,

I understand. You might be surprised at how many people have similar hurdles. And this is relevant - Age 17 joined RAAF...3 years later dream ended, prison officer at Pentridge jail I had a suicide on my watch and a few days later my brother suicided- dream (career) ended, private investigator for 5 years...downturn in the industry- dream ended, Telstra - back injury- dream ended, and so on.

On each and every occasion it wasn't the failure...it was the spirit to get up and continue. You've proven that also with a number of changes to career. Well done, many cant do that. I think so many times this has occurred it has left you collapsing in vigor.

But may I give you my greatest example. I was unemployed in 1992. I sat for 6 months wondering when someone would knock on my door to offer me a job. Didn't happen. My little family of 4 were poor. I scaped together $400 for materials and built the cutest little cubby house you'd ever see. Attic and dormer windows, lace curtains, chimney etc and painted pink and purple. I took a photo and place an ad in the trading post. That was early November. I got orders for 14 cubbies pre xmas. On xmas eve I delivered them throughout Victoria for 24 hours. My family had $3500 after materials and fuel. We were "rich".

Never give up Mark. Sure, feel disenchanted and cheesed off etc then pick yourself up and have another go, and another. Farming- get back into it, a jackaroo, maybe just 2 months a year or if your injury is too bad for that seek a career in the admin side. These suggestions might be left of centre so interpret them how you can.

Something tells me you have that inner strength in you anyway and this spell is just a low point your are going through.

We all have them. You are ok. Just deflated.

Tony WK

[Narniakid]

Hi mrkd1991 and welcome to the forums, thank you for sharing your story with us.

Firstly, congrats on your engagement! Despite the struggles, you've managed to pull through and you've ended up with a wonderful partner, and I applaud you for that. I am sorry to hear that you had such a tough time growing up - childhood can be awful for some. However, you're an adult now, away from that horrible environment, and you now have the power to do and be anything you want, and that is something extraordinary you should take advantage of. 

I agree with Tony, it sounds like you're going through a bit of a motivation lack at the moment, and you're feeling tired, worn out and uninspired, and that's normal considering all that you've been through. However, don't let the fear of failure hold you back. Try something new, sign up for a class, do some short courses, pick up a new hobby, join a sporting club and do some volunteer work. Sometimes a small change like that is the best medicine. It keeps you busy and distracted, and it helps to feel like you have more purpose, which is something I used to really struggle with. I would put myself down if I didn't feel like I was contributing anything to my workplace, or just to society in general. But I see now that there's so much out there I can try, and that down time is not just perfectly okay, we NEED it.

Remember that anxiety thrives on avoidance and negative thoughts are just reactions to fear. It gets better but it's up to you, and I have every bit of faith in you - look how much you've been able to fight through already!

Crystal

[mrkd1991]

Tony -

I understand what your saying, and some of the issues are quite common.

I just feel I am so lost, I've used up all my inner strength trying to cope with and conceal my issues and emotions, to protect others.

This low point is all I know, I can no longer remember a time of true happiness and success. 

Every day, every week, every month I get worse, a new symptom comes along and destroys me. It all just seems pointless. 

Crystal -

Thanks for your reply.

My partner is pretty wonderful, but I always feel like I am dragging her down into this shit with me.

I'm not away from than environment either, its always on my mind, in my dreams.

Activities for distraction is a great idea, something I like to recommend to others. But it seems to have very little effect on me, if any. I rarely find joy, pleasure in anything anymore. Nothing interests me, movies, games, parties, work, etc. In different phases of my condition, I can get some enjoyment, but it never lasts.

[white knight]

"unmanaged and unmedicated"

Might be time to return to this. I tried 12 meds before I found the right one.

See your GP please my friend.

Tony WK

[mrkd1991]

I've been back to my GP, should have mentioned that.

I've tried all the available specialists, and what seems like all the suggested meds.

From what I have researched I need dialetical behavioural therapy, which only seems to be offered to people with private health.

I'm back on the waiting list for the public mental health system, but from experience they're nothing special.

[white knight]

Hi again mrkd

I can see why you need to vent. There seems no apparent fix to your condition and no from want of trying.

At the end of the day it comes down to endurance and positivity. You cant have excess of the latter and you can never aspire enough for the former.

You say you are afraid your partner is being "dragged down" with this stuff with you. Yes, likely, but she could have a stroke at 50yo and you'd be dragged down caring for her. That's life with a partner. Just keep telling her how wonderful she is and help when you are ok. I just came out of a 3 day depressive cycle and was moody and snappy the whole time. Today I thanked her and we had lunch out. The roller coaster is to be lived with not looked upon as the demon it really is. Easy to say, real hard to be positive when the chips are down.

But we cant give up can we.  Google "beyond blue 30 minutes can change your life".

Tony WK

[mrkd1991]

So yesterday I saw a new psychiatrist. 

Apparently, I've got nothing but BPD. All the other diagnosis' were just seeing aspects of the BPD.

According to him, BPD isn't actually a mental problem, and I don't need any medication.

I'm awaiting a referral to a 'good' psychologist for one on one DBT/CBT, as I told him I couldn't handle a group session which is all that's readily available.

Has anyone got any experience/knowledge on the issue?

I've tried some CBT before and it didn't help, quite the opposite actually so I am not feeling great about it.