My Social Anxiety Rant

[TheNotSoDarkHorse]

Hi everyone! I have something I need to get off my chest:

I have dealth with the effects of SA coupled with depression as a result of a range of traumatic experiences in my childhood and keep experiencing things that piss me off. Namely how disrespectful people are of my personality type. I am an 18 year old guy who has problems starting and maintaining conversations with literally anyone in any context who I am not friends with. This happens regardless of if it is a super attractice girl or the ugliest and most awkward of guys I speak to. This has effected my ability to keep jobs, friends and family and I am frankly sick of it. Why does this come up now you ask??? Well...

Today I was sitting in a lecture by myself because I got there early and whilst people are coming in, a girl I know from a student group whom I have spoken to walks up the stairs and sits next to some of her friends. After five minutes or so of awkwardly acting like I didnt see her and attempt to say hi (which she knew I did see her) she decides to do an awesome thing and she waves and invites me to sit down with her and her friends. We are seated in rows with me at the end next to her with her friends next to her on the other side and we exchange a few words about assignments, etc. we commence class and eventually a five minute break comes around. Half way through this break one of her guy friends next to her just starts laughing. She asks him why he is laughing and he responds with something along the lines of "he is just sitting there..." to which she says "he is alright, leave him alone" and I pretend to not hear this and all is well. The lecture finishes and I try to make a better effort because of how terrible I feel after her friends comment. I leave and now I am here venting.

Basically, why do people do this??? Why do people have this need to look at me like I am circus freakshow because I find it hard to start conversations. This type of thing is what makes it worse and makes me more and more anti-social. It happens a lot as I am like this in almost any social context when I am not with my friend. It is what scored me the reputation as the weird kid amongst my peers, my previous work colleagues and these new uni people. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

RANT OVER. Thanks for reading.

[White_Rose]

Dear Not So Dark Horse

Hello and welcome. It's good you have found this site and decided to express your feelings. This is a safe place to be as no one will make fun of you in any way. I am sorry you are having these problems as I can imagine how difficult life can be without the grease that oils the wheels of communication. Communication skills are so important. My grandson, 19, has similar problems and I think he keeps himself apart from others because of this.

I work as a volunteer in an organisation that tries to re-integrate people into the community through literacy. This is not just reading and writing but forming friendships, learning how to find their way round the city and conversational skills. These people often have mild intellectual disabilities, or traumatic experiences in life etc which impeded their ability to live what we call a normal life. Some of these folk are so determined and brave learning what they must in order to make their lives enjoyable.

I am not equating you with these folk, although you may have some common background events. I told you this because I understand how communication (the grease) helps in being part of the whole in society. You mentioned SA but I am sorry, I do not know what this is. Could you enlighten me please?

Anyone who is different in some way stands out from the crowd. And there are people who exploit this to feel better about themselves and sometimes to impress others, such as the boy who laughed at you. I suspect the girl who recognised you was not impressed.

BB is constantly campaigning against the discrimination shown to those with mental illness. Your friend who invited you to join her group is an example of how we ought to be and it's sad that this attitude is not as common as it should be.

There is a web site that may be helpful for you. It's the Kids Help Line. This organisation is for people up to the age of 25. The web address is www.kidshelpline.com.au I think it may be worthwhile you exploring this site and talking to the people there. It's an unfortunate title in some ways, but don't be put off. These people will not treat you like a baby. Or you could look up Headspace. This is the national youth mental health foundation, which may also be helpful to you. www.headspace.org.au

I have no real answers because it is also baffling to me. Please continue to write in and if you look at the two web sites and find them helpful, would you let me know.

Mary

[Zeal]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I used to be really shy and was socially awkward up until the age of about 18 or 19. In high school, I was the awkward girl, but people left me alone and didn't pick on me. I had a small group of friends in Year 11 and 12, but I wasn't overly connected to them to be honest.

I'm sorry to hear you've had traumatic childhood experiences. Sometimes people get dealt more challenges than their fair share, and it's a shame that this happens. The only way for you is forward though. It's great you're already studying at uni, and that you try your best in social situations. Just by doing those two things, you are already forging ahead.

I agree that it's really hard when others draw attention to your social insecurities. This has happened to me before too. Ironically, the guy who laughed and said that thoughtless comment to you actually lacks social intelligence for saying that in your presence. The girl who invited you to sit with her sounds really nice, and she clearly realises that you're shy and don't find initiating conversation easy.

If you don't mind me asking, have you been diagnosed with anxiety by your doctor or another professional? Have you received help in the past with this? I recommend you go to your doctor (GP) for a referral to a psychologist or counsellor. It's important that the traumatic experiences you went through are dealt with on an emotional/psychological level. If these negative experiences are dealt with, it will make overcoming the social anxiety more achievable.

Anxiety sucks. Though everyone's experience is slightly different, I do appreciate how frustrating anxiety is. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder called OCD when I was 13, so 10 years ago now. I generally manage it better than in the past. Last week I saw a new psychologist for the first time in three years. I'm in my third (last) year of an undergraduate psychology degree, and I would like to do an Honours year. I need to get high marks for this, so I have been getting anxious and on edge. My psychologist said that while I have an academic understanding of my anxiety, I need someone other than myself to help with the implementation of strategies to reduce the severity. She told me that psychologists often need a psychologist's help too! Helping yourself is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

Definitely make an appointment with your GP!

Good luck and best wishes,

SM

[taraanita]

Hey,

Firstly I'm so sorry that guy said something like that but at the end of the day it reflects more on his behavior and the kind of person he is than it does you as he is the one being cruel. I can completely relate to your post, I'm 21 and have definitely had more than my fair share of terrible experiences and one of the lovely burdens I must bare is social anxiety. Even going to the checkout at the shops or ordering food I almost go into shock and cannot function. From pre primary to year 12 and on wards I was always made fun of or just ignored, people walked into me, sat on me etc. I've grown a bit hostile and abrasive now because of it and now people make fun of me because I look grumpy all the time and that I'm arrogant because I don't talk to people when really I just want to run screaming out of the building the second someone looks in my direction.

People make fun of people like us because they can, because they don't ever think we're going to answer back because they consider us victims. Some people will just do anything to make themselves feel better, to get a girl/boys attention even if it comes at the expense of another persons feelings. Its hard not to feel isolated and alienated and its important to not further alienate ourselves. If someone is being rude or says something nasty to you or someone else say something. If they're being nasty to someone else chances are that person may have a lot in common with you and then you'll find you have someone to bond with. Plus you'll feel awesome helping another person. All you need to do is shine a light on someone else's behavior and you not only feel like less of a victim yourself you'll also have gotten some of it off your chest. Do small things every day to push yourself and also to make the world better.

Watch some TV shows or movies or read books that have characters that share similar personality traits to you, personally I enjoy watching "Daria" and "Parks and Recreation" it makes the situation seem a lot lighter and its honestly helped me to deal with some peoples profound jerkiness (for want of a better word).

At the end of the day you aren't the bad person doing the wrong thing, they are and you know that. Keep your chin up, you'll find some like minded people in your life we are out there.

Tara

[HA1]

Hi

I am sorry to hear how your SA is weighing you down. I have suffered SA all my life and I hated it as much as you. Your post brought back memories of what I went through - the feelings of depths of despair and frustration at not being able to relax and belong. As others have said, these days there are options for help. Explore these options and see if they are for you. Actively force yourself into engaging with others, perhaps in more anonymous circumstances where others have no prior knowledge of your SA. Community support services is always a good starting point, but anything that grabs your interest.

I have learned to live with my SA a long time ago. In the long run, it has not affected my ability to form relationships - in fact possibly to the contrary. But my partner has accepted the fact that I aint no social butterfly. However, I am still me. So in my case, I accept that I am different, and dont try and force myself to be anything else. During my professional career, I was always looked at as the silent one that only spoke when it was needed. It served me well (and perhaps I played on that a bit to achieve the effect I was looking for - disingenuous perhaps).

The above is just my way of saying that SA is a personality trait like any other. There are many other personality traits out there that I would be ashamed of being aligned with.

Keep chatting,

Ken