Losing motivation to do anything, dealing with loneliness, depression creeping back...

[a94]

Hi

I am a 21 year old male working full-time for a fairly large company. I was recently diagnosed with depression earlier in the year and was put on anti-depression medication after I began self harming once my closest friend forced me to seek help. Things were getting better for a while, but for the last couple of months have gone bad. Whilst I see a councillor, I still feel extremely isolated, emotional at work and home, haven't yet been able to spark any passions back into my life, and sense as though my depression could get worse. 

My motivation keeps dwindling on things I used to do, like going to the gym or playing video games. I have a small circle of friends who I see every blue moon, and my family and I don't get on spectacularly (still live at home). I have just started a new job and haven't been able to make any friends since everyone in the office is rather introverted and I'm not particularly outgoing either. 

I've never had any meaningful relationships (recently came out to my parents and some friends as gay). I'm not hugely into the gay scene, nor am I particularly flamboyant either, so meeting other guys in person is impossible. Only through apps like Tinder/Grindr do I occasionally meet someone but it never lasts. I feel like if I knew someone actually cared for me (in an emotional/relationship context) I would probably feel more grounded and to get back on my feet a bit; invigorate my life a little.

The nearest thing to a relationship I've had was about a month ago where I had been dating a guy for three weeks. We got along well. He even introduced me to his friends (a first) and I thought things were going pretty good, but after he travelled overseas for a few weeks, it seems he lost interest in me. I've tried to communicate with him on multiple occasions, but he would be very brief or wouldn't reply at all.

All I want to do in my spare time is socialise with people. Since most of my friends are too busy, I end up talking to strangers on Grindr or Tinder to not feel so lonely. I'll just watch TV when I get home after a long commute from work everyday and go to bed. Weekends are pretty bad since I am so idle and have no idea what to do with myself. I just end up taking extensive naps so as to not be conscious and let my thoughts overcome me.

Nothing interests me, people don't find me interesting and I've lost enjoyment from work and living.

Just thought I'd post here if anyone had some suggestions on what I should do.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Kitty_Kat]

Hi a94,

 Sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time.

 My counselor used to use a method on me as I am a very socially awkward person and struggled to make friends for a long time in my life, and it was called Fake it Till You Make it. Basically, no matter how scared you are and how awkward you are, you have to pretend that you are confident enough to approach someone and make conversation with. I'm not saying this will make you feel confident, but after you do it once it seems like you could do it everyday, you just have to have the motivation of wanting to make a friend enough.

 I'm not very experienced with relationships considering I'm not very lucky in that area, but because I know what it is like to be single pretty much my whole life, let me tell you this. You will find someone. and I know that's what they always say and some days you feel like it's a lie and you just want them to hurry up and find you, but being single isn't all that bad! You let your perfect man come to you himself, right now we can focus on making you happy.

And if none of that works out, I'd highly suggest reaching out to people through BeyondBlue instead of websites like Tinder. Everyone here are friends and it is nice talking to people going through the same tough times as you. I might also suggest you checking out the Sexuality and Gender Identity forums if you are interested in finding people just like you!

 Love Kitty xxxx

[Doolhof]

Hi a94,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I would like to suggest that you return to your Dr. and explain how you are feeling. It might be that the medication you are on is not suiting you.

You mentioned you have a long commute home. How do you use that time? Do you read at all or listen to music? You could fill that time with something that interests you. Maybe down load some inspirational speakers that might motivate you to try something different in life.

Try chatting with just one person a day at work and see how that goes. You don't need to think that you want to become best buddies, just a "goodaye and how was your weekend" might start a conversation.

Try getting back to the gym. Tell yourself that is something you will enjoy once you get there. Sometimes we just need to push ourselves a little.

I find when I avoid things, then I feel much worse. If I push myself to go somewhere or to attend an activity, then I actually enjoy myself once I get there.

On the weekend try and get yourself out of the house. Go for a walk and get some fresh air. Ask someone to join you at the movies.

You mentioned you don't get on all that well with your family, why don't you do something totally different and invite your Mum out somewhere for a coffee or go to a footy match with your Dad. It might be a way of starting a new and better relationship with them.

Of course I don't know your situation, but you never know, it might work!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[a94]

Dear Kitty and Mrs. Dools,

Thank you both for your replies. I read both with great value and appreciate all the advice.

Kitty I have had a look at the other forums you've mentioned—didn't know Beyond Blue had these so thanks for informing me of them.

Mrs. Dools I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow so I may need to bring this up. While I am hesitant to trying anything a little bit more potent due to the possible side effects some antidepressants have.

In response to your question, it takes me about an hour and a half to commute and I usually do listen to music in order to chill out. In the workplace, I'll always engage in the occasional small talk here and there with colleagues but again I don't know of anything else to say other than the usual "how's the day going" etc. I always tend to feel like the outsider and this is the case at most workplaces I've been to—it's just something I've grown used to over time.

I don't particularly like socialising with my family as there are usually fights (either between me and my dad or mum or between them both) and I end up feeling worse instead. Hence why I want to meet more people outside my family or just have a boyfriend to spend time with/lighten my mood when I am feeling low like I have been.

Thanks again for both of your responses. 

[Doolhof]

Hi a94,

How did you get on at your psychiatrist appointment? I  hope it was beneficial for you.

I have just started to see a counsellor and I am still not sure how it is all progressing. He does things quite differently from what I am used to and goes off on a tangent now and then.

Occasionally he puts words in my mouth and writes stuff down that I have not expressed in that fashion at all.  I then tell him that was not what I had said at all.

Maybe for you at the moment, you can concentrate on making your self the best you can be right now. Look after your health and welfare. If you can afford it, boost your self esteem with a new outfit, a hair cut, a nw membership at the gym.

Keep going with the small talk. You don't know where it might lead. The other person you are chatting with might be having trouble with conversation topics as well.

Sorry to read that relations with your parents is not all that brilliant. I certainly know what that is like. I keep trying though as after all they are my parents! It certainly isn't always easy!

I sometimes wonder what is going on in my parent's lives to make them act and behave the way they do and what their child hood was like.

In a way I would love to be able to just commute for 1 1/2 hours and not to have to watch what is going on around me. I used to catch a bus to work and used that time to read, knit scarves, listen to music, study and do so many other things.

Are you into going to the movies? If so chat about films at work, you never know, someone there might like to attend with you.

Wishing you all the best,

From Mrs. Dools

[a94]

Hi Mrs. Dools,

The appointment with my psychiatrist went well—it was good to talk to someone about these issues in person. We will continue our fortnightly sessions.

I found that at first with the first person I started seeing ages ago. They were using methods which, being the very cynical person that I am, found to be stupid. And that's why I went to see someone else instead.

In terms of looking after myself, I can't say much on that. My dosage of my antidepressants has been doubled to help me cope and survive through the next couple of months. Most certainly the worst thing affecting me now is my love life, or lack of anything substantial and meaningful. I had a date a few nights ago, but still have flashbacks of times when I was with Tom (the guy I was seeing a few months ago), even though we've lost all communication with each other. I was upfront with him a couple of weeks ago over Facebook, and it turns out he met someone else overseas, which made him realise that he and I weren't anything substantial. Just as well I made sure I didn't dive deep into my feelings for him (as is the case with every guy I meet nowadays) as a self-protection mechanism since I know things will almost certainly never last.

At work, I've met two other gay guys (not in my team, but friends with someone who got me a job). Whilst I may only see them infrequently, at least it's good to know what there's some other gay guys at work who I can talk to (seeing that I only have one other gay friend). But yes, small-talk doesn't always tend to work since I often don't have much in common with other people—or at least most in my team are rather introverted. That said, next Friday is a massive company event in which all employees are invited to, so I'll see what happens after that.

I guess I just need to sit back and wait what happens—I may lay off the dating scene for a while while I can get over Tom and focus more on getting myself into a general happier state, whatever that takes.

Thanks 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi a94,

I'm glad your appointment went well. I went to see my counsellor the other day and he was way off on a different tangent, talking about me changing jobs when that has never been an issue! He did all the talking, so I really didn't feel like I achieved much at all with that session. Guess that is how it goes sometimes!

I'm supposed to have couple's counselling with my husband in a couple of weeks with this same guy. I am interested in what my husband thinks of him. I am not always good at telling even my therapists that what they are talking about is totally irrelevant to my current needs.

I hope you are able to enjoy other people's company without wondering if there is a long relationship around the corner. I find that sometimes when I don't try so hard, things work out better!

It is great you have a couple of other gay guys to chat with at work.

Any relationship breakup is hard to get over for some people. Others just seem to be able to move on with ease. Hopefully you will eventually be able to have pleasant memories about Tom and it wont hurt you so much.

I also hope you are able to find a few different things to be interested in. When I am distracted I cope a lot better.

Hope you are cruising along okay. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools