Loneliness

[Fritter]

I have no friends, only people who I sit next to in class, who I barely have anything in common with and can hardly hold up a conversation with. Everybody has interests different to me. The people that do have similar interests already have a lot of friends, and aren't even in my classes. The only reason people other than those I sit with really approach me is to get help with school work or to copy answers off of me.
The classes in which I have nobody to even sit next to make me feel alone and worthless, especially German, where I have to talk to people. The teacher has to call people over to sit next to me, and they either barely try to hold up the conversation, concentrating on doing homework that they were supposed to have already done, or they treat me like a little kid, or both.

I have German almost everyday of the week and I come home feeling miserable. Sometimes I go home crying. I don't want to tell my parents because we're poor and they don't need me taking money out of their pocket, and I don't think treatment is going to work - even if i got treatment, I wouldn't have friends, so it wouldn't change anything. I can't talk to people about anything other than my interests, but I never have much to say about them anyway. I don't even know what people normally talk about. Whatever it is, I don't think it's something I could discuss at length. I'm only really comfortable talking over the internet, and not even via instant messaging. The only reason I feel comfortable when I get home is because I have my music and my video games and my tv shows, because they give me something to do, unlike in class, where I can't concentrate on school work because I'm either feeling miserable or the class is too loud, and I can't draw because the teachers tell you to get on with your work, so I have to sit, thinking about how depressing everything is, writing random things in my book.

I feel like my life has been going in a direction I don't want it to go, but I only just realised, and there's nothing I can do to stop it anymore. I don't know if I really want to do the subjects I'm doing. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. Everything feels meaningless.

[StinaK]

Hey,

First off, I know what you are going through.

A lot of the things you said are similar to things that happen to me. I do German also. But I do have friends, but it is strange. I used to be so close to them, now I can barely talk to them. I can say something to them, like one line and then I have nothing to say. Sometimes when I try to talk to them, they talk over the top of me, I have to repeat myself like three times and then I give up. Even when I do start a conversation they just don't seem interested in what I'm saying...

I just feel like I don't know how to talk to people. I just, get sick of reality. So I listen to music and watch tv-shows like you. I find it a welcome distraction and sometimes I lay awake at night praying that when I wake up, I'd be in the worlds of one of my favorite shows. Most times, I think that my parents would miss me, but lately the little voice that tells me that is getting quieter.

Sometimes I am just hit by waves of sadness and loneliness and I just don't know what to do but listen to sad music and cry.

I do have one friend that I am closest too. But a lot of the times I really don't like her. I think I hang around her because she doesn't mind me talking about tv-shows or books or music, she'll listen. But, I don't know sometimes I like her, sometimes I hate her and can't stand her.

That makes me sad. Probably one of the few people I can find who will listen to what I'm talking about and I occasionally hate them. What is wrong with me?

Life suddenly has started moving so fast. I don't know where my time is going. days fade into weeks, which fade into months. Everything is the same and I just live off each new episodes of my tv-shows each week.

I procrastinate like hell and then hate myself for doing it, but I can't make myself stop.

I don't have facebook. I don't talk to anyone outside school, except for family. And even they can't stand me talking about tv-shows. As soon as I start talking about it they just tell me to shut up. But they don't understand that they're all I have. The only things that make life bearable. I have no real life, I don't go out anywhere, except for basketball once a week. It isn't enough, but I can't make myself organize to go out with my friends, to even text or call them. I have nothing to talk about, it just seems so pointless. So I just life my life in solitude, attacked by occasional waves of sadness. I try to use tv-shows and music to moderate my emotions. I don't want to feel what I'm feeling, so I let them tell me how to feel. But this only works for so long, eventually I can't stop the sadness.

I keep telling myself it will get better. I hope it will. But sometimes I can't be bothered hoping.

Sorry I kinda ranted... but yeah I understand what you're going through Fritter .

I didn't think I was going to post this when I started typing this, but now I think I will. I think it might make me feel a little better if I do.

I'm pretty sure I just failed Maths Methods. I procrastinated a project, to the point that I only started it when it was 4 days late. I don't know why I did this. I don't want to fail. I can't fail. I need to pass. But, I just can't really convince myself that I should. Why does anything matter? For all we know this isn't even reality? We could be in some kind of matrix contraption. Or I could just be dreaming this all, waiting to wake up. Sometimes that's all life feels like, a dream...

I hate fear. I hate that I'm always so afraid. I can't talk to people I don't know. I can't tell people how I feel. I'm just afraid of everything, all the time. I'm afraid or screwing up. I'm afraid that this is all there is to life. I'm afraid I'll never find love. I'm afraid of going down excallators (seriously I am). I am afraid that if I act myself no one will like me. I'm afraid that I don't know how to act myself. I'm afraid I don't know who I am. Sometimes when I talk it just feels like I'm acting, but I can't turn it off.

I just... well yeah. I'll stop now before this becomes an essay. Wait too late. 😛

Well, I do feel a little better after typing all that...

Yeah so that's about it.

[searching91]

I'm 22 and I felt exactly the same in high school. Not much has changed. I still feel alone and paranoid that people hate me. Constantly worrying about everything. 

If you need to talk, I would love to. Nobody should feel as alone as we do. 

I'm here for you.. 

[lostandconfused]

Dear Fritter,

First off please forgive me as I have never done this and I am only new to this site. But I wanted to comment on this because almost all of what you said resonated with me with the exception of the fact that I don't do German, however I do feel the same way in my classes. And that I find music helps me as well as reading so I wanted to say that if you ever feel the need I would be happy to talk. 

[Fritter]

Thank you all. It's nice to know that people feel the same way as me. It's not really good, but it does.

... Thanks. That's all I wanted to say.

[Mr_J]

Dude, Fritter

Loneliness can be bad, but it can be F****** awesome too! All the amazing things i've done alone without people have been great. Make music, play games, practice an instrument, cry, laugh, be real to myself, find myself. Things no one could help me with!

 If you're alone you have to find the happiness in it. It's actually so much fun to do something alone. Take yourself on a date lol It's pretty funny and so what it's weird. I'd date me again and i will. Being lonely is you thinking society is telling you, you don't fit in enough. But so what you don't fit in (yet) or you don't have your own style or direction (yet). I don't have mine yet but i get closer every day. Be alone, soak up the goodness of yourself. Love yourself. You'll find what makes you tick only when you truly spend time being your own best friend.

Muchos luvos

J