Feeling Controlled and Trapped.

[listeningiskey]

I have suffered with anxiety, Depression and OCD for the past 5 years now due to being abused as a child from my Biological father who I don't see any more. 
I always feel as if people are trying to control whatever I do and when I say people, I mean some of my family members. 
I am 18 years of age and all I want in my life is happiness and to live each day as it comes and to live life to the fullest in a positive healthy way, I am so sick of people within my family controlling me and making me feel guilty over things I shouldn't feel guilty for example I do alot around the house to help my mum as she works from cooking to cleaning the house to washing clothes etc etc and I don't mind I believe families should help each other but no, in my step dads eyes if I forget to wash up one night or if I have a lazy day where I just want to go see my boyfriend or go out and have lunch or go shopping with friends it's like a crime.. That I should be at home 24/7 constantly spending time with my family and always helping around the house and doing crap for everyone, e.g. getting him coffees and something to eat as he doesn't do anything himself.
When arguments happen due to all of this in the home, I get so overwhelmed and cant stop crying, The anxiety kicks in and I cant stop shaking and I have trouble breathing.
As a teenager I never rebelled, I always told my parents the truth and was always honest.. Even if it was something I knew they would be upset at me about. 
My mum and I had a close relationship but because she is with him and because she has been with him for many years she sticks by what he says and well if she doesn't they just end up getting into an argument and then he yells and screams and starts calling me names and rages at me because he thinks im causing all the fighting. All I want is peace in my life, The things that keep me going each day are my boyfriend who I have been with for almost 3 years, He is really my support and the one person I know I can always count on to be there and listen to all this crap that is happening in my life. 
As a teenager I had no freedom I'd say.. If I wanted to go out with friends or to see my boyfriend I'd be allowed 1 day a week to choose what i wanted to do and who I wanted to see and there weren't many options I could choose from, When I turned 18 I started to stay at my boyfriends house once a week which I still do and then suddenly in my step dads eyes i was a slut, tramp, no self respect for myself and that I will get pregnant and ruin all their lives, My boyfriend and I are extremely responsible for when it comes to sex, We both use protection and I am also on the pill. 
Mind you this is my first serious relationship and I have only been with him and only him.
My step dad treats me different towards his other kids, and of course its because I'm not his real child.. I understand that but he always says to me.. I've been like a father to you and you should respect me and I have spent so much money on having you and your mother in my life in other words I should be so grateful and treat him like a king really.  
I'm so over all the guilt trips and the mental and verbal abuse. 
I have my boyfriend and my grandparents and that's all I feel I really have.. 
Friends and my boyfriend have said I should move out.. I want to but im so scared that things will get worse and there will be a big fight and things will end badly.. 
I just don't know what to do. I want to enjoy my youth.. I don't want people controlling me and telling me what I can and cant do and at the same time, I know I am capable of making good choices, I'm responsible I just did my HSC last year, I have my P's I am studying full time.. I know I am on the right track and I am doing positive things. 
I honestly just don't know what to do.. I'm over feeling anxious and scared and down. 


 

  

[MsAbigail]

I can sort of relate to how you feel, my father depended on me to be my Mothers carer (Mum has disabilities) from the age of 10 and once I left high school and started to work, it was never good enough for the family and I was expected to stay home and help. If I wanted to go out after work, I needed to feed the family and do all the chores first or it would turn into a huge argument and then would follow by physcial abuse!.

I moved out of home when i fell pregnant at 18. I thought it would be the end of the family and that I would never see them again but in actuallity, my family improved.

My parents started to do things for themselves and my Mum even sought help on how to cook meals for her and Dad whilst having her disabilities.

The relationship with my family slowly improved over the years and 10 years later we are all back sharing a huge property quite happily!

You are 18 now, you shouldnt ever feel obliged to be the "man of the house" and that you cannot leave. You need to do whats right for you and your future and if moving away from home is going to help that situation then go for it!

And most of all? you definitely shouldnt stand for being abused for you being you!

[listeningiskey]

Yeah? It's good too hear from someone who understands. 
It's good you and your family are getting along now, That's awesome to hear! 
Its sad that stuff like this happens to begin with though I guess.. 
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts and experiences with me, That means alot.  
I just want to be happy and to feel positive about life, Not scared and upset when I'm at home, But as you said I need to do what's right for me.

[MsAbigail]

You deserve to feel happy and positive in life because you are leading an awesome life!

You've managed to get through High School and graduate whilst under enormous issues! thats absolutely amazing!

I failed Year 11 three times! the first was because of depression, the second was because of drugs because of depression and the third was me trying to do year 11 whilst taking care of a toddler and seperating from her father!

Its not all bad news for me though, I fought hard, remained positive and now work an amazing full time office job in the transport industry earning a brilliant income with an excellent workplace/client reputation!

And whilst im struggling with a bit of depression at the moment from my own crazy year - I'm still working hard and trying to find positives and do everything thats right for me!

[geoff]

dear Listeningkey, abuse by your father is disgusting and I can never understand why an adult, family or not, can take advantage of a child just to satisfy their greedy needs.

You are 18 and you have depression and OCD which is linked to anxiety, and I know myself that this is horrible as I have had OCD for 50 odd years and the copious amount of times I have done some habit is extraordinary massive, so if I got a $ 1 everytime I would be a trillionaire or more.

I can understand what your mum is doing because she doesn't want any arguments or foul mouthed abuse sent to you by him, but I know that when this happens it doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, she certainly does, but now it is shown a different way.

You are 18 and have your P's, so you are entitled to go and do anything that you want to do, and he does not have the power to dictate on what or where you can do.

OK with children growing up sure they cost us money, so, that's part of the deal when we decide to have them, but he's not your biological father, and he has taken to pay for the necessities in life that you need, he agreed to do this by becoming your step father.

It will come to the point that you will decide to move out and live either by yourself or with your boyfriend, and you can do this, and legally he can't stop you, you are now out of his jurisdiction, so he has no right to dictate and tell you what to do, that's all finished.

What you could do is to say that you are moving in to your grandparents house, because they now need the help, whether this is correct or not. Then you could move to where ever you want, and not leave any address, and change your mobile phone number, and if you want to ring your mum, do so by using a public phone, and any meeting up with your mum just be careful, and do it when he's at work  (ha) if he does work, but your mum has to keep it a secret.

I would tell your mum only and not while he's there, and as I have said your 18 you are entitled to move when ever it suits you.

Just be careful and good luck. L Geoff. x

[daleypop]

You are truly an awesome person!! I'm a grandma so maybe my comments might not be all that helpful but I really wanted to assure you that you are more than OK and sound very mature and caring.

A couple of thoughts I'd like you to consider are to do with how people make you feel. If I were to say you choose to feel that way in response to things they say and do, what would you think? Could you change that thought to "you are wrong" without actually blurting it out? Could you consider that what they are saying is only their opinion, not fact!

The final suggestion I would like to make is that you find a friend or family member who could mediate a session with them so you can make them understand what is happening. A counsellor is often a good place to start.

I like the fact that you care so much for them but you have become very vulnerable. Don't lose that lovely person you are.

Be kind to yourself Happyjane

[geoff]

dear Jane, a grandma, great feeling isn't it.

I don't know how many elderly, sorry, well defined people comment on this site, but it's great that you have taken the time to comment.

I hope that you can stay and help the young ones, which we don't really know what age they are. Thanks. Geoff. x

[listeningiskey]

Those are such kind words, Thankyou. 
Im so sorry to hear that, You are a strong person though that you have made it through.
Exactly right, Looking for the positives is always the key. 
Sorry for the delayed response and thank you so much again. 🙂

[listeningiskey]

Hi Geoff thank you for taking the time to read my post and to also respond with some good feed back. 
I have considered the moving out quite a bit.. 
Eventually I think it will happen because each day I get closer to breaking point.
Thank you for the useful and good advise, Sorry for also responding late. 

[listeningiskey]

Hi Daleypop 
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. 
I truly appreciate it.
Your comments were very helpful.. 
I am considering to go and seek some help from a Councillor
Just to have someone to talk to about it and It could make me feel a bit better.
Again Thank you so much.