Just a spot to vent really

[Red-Rilakkuma]

I just need a place to vent right now. I just wanted to write the main events that I believe have caused my depression.

I'm 18, I finished high school last year and I've lived with my grandparents most of my life except for when I moved to live with my mum for about 3 years because I couldn't stand living with my grandparents for any longer. I didn't know it then but my mum was horrible too. She was a massive alcoholic, pot smoker with anger issues. When she would get drunk (which was almost every night) she would either start on me or my eldest brother and call us all the names under the sun, this happened on both my brother and my birthdays. On my 15th birthday she cornered me in my brothers room and was telling me what a horrible person I was. I ran to my friends house and stayed there that night and when I got home she said sorry and asked for a hug like nothing had happened, I couldn't forget it. On my brother's 18th birthday she done the same thing, only we had a backyard full of people and she completely belittled him in front of all his family and friends. 
The following year she decided to take the family to dreamworld for my 16th birthday. She said it would be a family thing, then about 3 weeks before we went she got a boyfriend, and everything turned worse. She brought him to queensland with me  and my little brother and someone who I thought was my best friend. The day we went to dreamworld as soon as we got there her and her boyfriend ran off and left me with my 4 year older little brother and "best friend". Shortly after that my best friend told me she wanted to go for a walk while we were sitting down having lunch, she then asked my little brother if he wanted to go with her because she was going to an arcade or something, and told me to mind all the food and drinks. I was left alone for about 2 hours in that one spot, on my birthday. I feel like I'm acting really spoilt when I say it like that, I want to clarify that I don't mean that in an "everything should be about me" kind of way. At the end of the day mum and her boyfriend got angry at me for being upset about the day, then said we were staying another night and coming back the next day, the next day the exact same thing happened. 

I'm not even going to describe the events that happened throughout the rest of the year, they were just all the same. Mum gets drunk, scream at me or my brother (who moved to our other grandparents house halfway through the year), we cry, she passes out. 

In May 2012 it was probably the worst month of my entire life. Mum had got her knickers in a knot after I had pointed out to her that she had been putting more effort into keeping her boyfriend happy and impressed than she had for the rest of the family (me and my younger brother). She was angry for a whole week and that weekend I called my grandparents and asked if I could stay over there for the weekend (Mum hates them) and mum was really angry that I wanted to willingly go over there.   I had to get her to drop me off at the bus stop so I could go there but because she was too busy smoking cones, she dropped me off at the bus stop late and I missed the bus. I'd left my phone at home because I was distracted by an argument we'd had when she was cramming in about 3 cones and I was saying we were late, so I could call her to tell her I'd missed the bus. My grandparents knew the time the bus was supposed to get in and got all worried when I didn't get off the bus. I had to wait at the bus stop for about 4 hours for another bus and when I finally got to my grandparents house they were crying and were about to call the police and they had been on the phone to mum and they told me I should call mum to tell her that I was there, so I did. When I called her she started abusing me about how much of an idiot I was, how I was a disgrace, how I should have walked to find a pay phone, and no matter what answer I gave her she just called me more names and I ended up hanging up the phone and breaking down. I was sitting outside with my grandparents crying about how I hated my life (I NEVER cry to anyone, no one ever understands, and neither did my grandparents) but I asked if I could move back to live with them and they said yeah. I was still considering it though when I went home and on the Monday when mum was driving me to the bus stop to catch the bus to school we had an argument and I told her that I'd asked them if I could move back which she didn't take well, she told me that I "shouldn't bother coming home" that afternoon and should just go straight to my grandparents place, which I did. I had nothing but my school uniform and school bag and when they called her to ask if they could come over and get some of my clothes from there but she refused. It wasn't until the weekend that she finally let them come over to get some of my clothes, which she gave them a time frame of 3 minutes to get as much as they could or she would call the police and say they had forcibly entered. My grand parents were 63 and 70 years old. When they asked when they could get the rest of my things she said in a couple of week and that they would have to bring a police officer with them because she was afraid that they would be violent. When they took the police officer around there with them, she hid in the under house garage the entire time while her idiot boyfriend ran out there the second the the police wagon showed up and said "What ever these people told you is a lie!" the police officer wasn't even at the station when my grandparents went there to get one. The boyfriend then told the police that my grandpa had tried to run my mum over with his car. Which he hadn't, he's her father. The boyfriend was just telling lies the whole time my grandparents were getting the rest of my stuff which mum had just piled in the middle of the loungeroom floor, no regards if anything broke, which a lot had. 

After that whole fiasco, everything settled down for about a week, but I was really depressed at school and on the following Friday I had a massive break down in the library to my year adviser (who was sooo sooo understanding) and he organized me an appointment with the school counsellor, which didn't really help. 

That Sunday, one of my close school friends comitted suicide. I've never experienced anybody close to me dying, except for my dad, who died when i was 8 months old so I can't remember him, or anything about him at all. So my friend was the first close person to me that had died, and I really felt it. I felt so horrible for months. I couldn't handle everything that had happened, and it's still really hard. 

Nothing major like all that has happened since then, but since my mood went down then, it hasn't gone back up. I haven't seen/spoken to my mum since she told me to not go home that afternoon and I'm still living with my grandparents, who just make it worse. They don't understand the concept of depression, they don't understand the concept of anything. I'm doing a tafe course now, it finished at the end of this year, and the only times I am even slightly happy is when I'm either at tafe with people I like, or listening to my favourite band. The only problem with tafe is that I have absolutely no motivation to do any of the assessments I've been given. I've started smoking again, I'm sleeping in until 2pm every day I'm not at tafe and when I'm awake, I sit on my laptop with my earphones in. Earlier this month I wrote a letter to myself on a night I was feeling particularly down. 

"Dear Self,

You’ve decided to write this to yourself because you weren’t feeling too happy at this time. You hope you can read this again later on in perhaps a couple of years where hopefully you are happy, not troubled like how you are feeling right now.

You feel like you’re getting stuck. Stuck in this tiny town, all your friends have moved or live in a town further away. You never leave the house. Your day consists of waking up, making a cup of tea, watching Supernatural, listening to the GazettE, making more tea throughout the day then sleeping again at about 12am. You do this on every day that you don’t have to go to TAFE.

You feel like you’re getting more and more depressed with each day that passes. You feel lonely, you don’t want to go out even if you have a chance to, and you don’t want to talk to your family because they frustrate you by just talking to you. When you’re at home, you never smile, you never laugh, you’re never happy. The only time you’re happy is when you’re at TAFE with people who you like.

At TAFE, you’re scared of failing. You want to finish all your work but you literally have no motivation, even for this group assignment that you have to write the dialogue for, you haven’t done it. People are relying on you to do this. You’re scared of what will happen once you finish your TAFE courses. You want to be a travel agent, but you are having second thoughts about it. Maybe you’re too unorganized to be a travel agent; maybe you could find another job in tourism.

You want to move out. You have one place that you would be welcome to move to, a friend's house in Melbourne. But you’re scared that you will end up jobless like him and living off the dole. He is happy with that life, you are not. You want to do something, you have ambitions. You want to get a job and earn money to move to Brisbane, but you want to have references and work experience in a travel agent before you move, but no where will accept you.

You’re very overwhelmed by everything at the moment. You feel weak, it’s been a year and 6 days since your friend passed away and you’ve felt down because of that also. You’re not completely sure why you’re writing this, but you think that when your life starts to get better, you can read this and think of how it was all such silly things to feel stressed over. You’re trying to stay strong.

You’re hoping that when you read this again, you are in a better state of mind, that you are happy, and living out of where you are now, as a travel agent in a city. You want yourself to know, that if you are reading this after years, if you are doing it rough, or are feeling down, that even though you feel horrible now, the future will get better, you’re writing that although at this very moment as this was written, you don’t fully believe it. You think it will just get harder. But if you’re feeling like this as you’re reading this, just remember, you have been through it before. And you will make it through it again. You will be happy one day, an unconditional happiness and nothing will worry you. You will have a stable home, and maybe your own family. This is just a rough patch.

You’ve started smoking again, you know you shouldn’t and you’re paranoid of your grandparents finding out and getting angry at you, but you need another vice. You have two now; music and smoking. Music seems to be the only thing that makes you happy now and even that is painful because the lyrics are starting to actually get to you; the lyrics are one of two things what are keeping you alive right now. You could so very easily just end it, but you’re a coward. You’re scared of what is on the other side; you’re scared of there being no music there, what if it’s just darkness, a pitch blackness with no one and nothing but yourself. So you tell yourself lately:

“Tomorrow does not disappear, don't kill yourself…” — Tomorrow Never Dies by The GazettE

Live by these lyrics. Even if the going gets tough, remember that tomorrow never dies. "
I feel horrible now that I read that. Especially the lyrics. I don't believe it. Everything just doesn't feel worth it. I don't want to go to the doctors because to do that, I'd have to ask my grandparents to take me, and they're nosey and wouldn't leave me alone until I told them why I was going, then they wouldn't believe it. My grandparents are so close minded. They are fake people, they have this image that they believe they have to uphold. They seem to get angry at me at the tiniest things, for example, tonight both of them went off their heads at me because I wasn't hungry and didn't feel like eating my grandma's home made sausage rolls. After they went off at me they continued to sit at the dinner table and discuss how horrible I am, that i'm wasting my life on my computer, how I never want to talk to them and how I'm sleeping the days away. They talk about me like I'm not in the room "She's sleeping too much, I'm going to take her laptop away from her". I can't take it. They're too much. But there is nothing I can do to get away, I have no job, no where will hire me, I don't get enough money from centrelink a fortnight to move out, I can't move out with anyone because all my friends have moved to queensland for uni and it's just too difficult. 

I don't really expect any replies to this. But I needed somewhere to vent. Sorry that it started to sound a bit like an autobiography. 

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Red-Rilakkuma,

Great post.  The self awareness is really high and you go through a lot of really good options.  In fact, the Letter entitled "Dear Self" is just brilliant.  I don't know why you think people moving away to uni and all that means they are isolating you by default.  All it takes is a text or email these days to stay in touch.  The "tiny room" doesn't mean you'll only have tiny dreams and tiny opportunites.  Think Big.

The only thing I would like to pick up (before my tea gets cold !) is the fear of being on benefits.  When I was first married I was supported by Centrelink and even now, as a DSP claimant, I am "enjoying" some kind of life rather than being left for dead in a system that might not have any money.  Australia has one of the best Social Services systems in the world.  No need to fear it.   Infact, this is just your anxiety talking - if I move to Melbourne with this friend and it doesn't work out then I don't think I can be on benefits (I'm just giving the gist).  Firstly, you haven't moved to Melbourne.  Secondly, you haven't tried to make anything work in Melbourne, and Thirdly, Centrelink is just forms and copies - nothing to be daunted by.

It's a bit ironic that you have this fear of failure and all the move bit.   After all, at the start of your post you mention a normal day (with or without TAFE) and that you like to watch Supernatural.   So, psychologically, you identify with super heros ?  It's an urge inside you wanting to get out of that tiny room.    Why escape only in your mind by watching a funky Supernatural show when you can move on to the next part of your life and write your own script with powers and sassy ladies ?

Adios, David.

PS   Would you have gone to see "The League of Ordinary Gentleman" ?   And, here's the joke, it's moving to Adelaide that would be truly scary.  Ouch !

[_sagira_]

Hi Red-Rilakkuma,

What you have explained is a really crummy situation that you feel like you can't escape.  But it sounds to me like you do have an option, you're just talking yourself out of it.  If you sit down and really sit with the question...'to go or not to go' and observe, without thought, I am sure you will find at some point your answer.  It is your gut instinct, your intuition, absent of coaxing of your own mind.

Three years ago I had a serious accident that involved me having to have two surgeries and sit on my butt for a year and half in rehabilitation.  I felt useless and like a waste of space, but really...if it wasn't for centrelink, I would have not been able to afford any of my treatments.  Mind you, it only JUST sustained me, but it sustained me none the less.  I'm now studying at uni, I live with housemates, I moved out of home last year.  I haven't had a job for the whole time I have been studying...living off centrelink basically again and all my savings.  After I had recovered enough I deferred studying my degree, worked for a year and saved, saved, saved, as I knew I would need it during the next three years.  Centrelink is there to help and support you.  It's your attitude about it that what matters here.

Also I'm not sure if you're still seeing a counselor?  Perhaps one at Tafe?  I would encourage you to seek someone out that may be able to assist and support you during your studies.  You say you lack drive and motivation, they can help and guide you through strategies you could implement to maintain focus.  Ultimately it is up to you.  I also feel that seeing a counselor or psychologist would really benefit your overall head space and well being.  It's not healthy being so trapped inside your head all the time.  Maybe you have lived so much of your life unable to escape, but you're reaching a point where it just might be attainable.  It's up to you to find the courage and take that step.

You mentioned you didn't want your grandparents snooping if you have to get a GP appointment.  Can you get there by public transport? 

 http://www.headspace.org.au/  Headspace have a whole bunch of GP's and psychologists who specifically work in mental health and would be a much more comfortable environment to talk through the depression and everything else you have been experiencing.

It also concerns me that you have gotten so low that you feel taking away your life seems idealistic.  It's always good to have a plan when you get to this point, or so overwhelmed by your feelings. I'm not very good at talking to people on the phone, but beyondblue, lifeline and headspace all have a webchat service (working at diff times of the day/evening) that I have found exceptionally helpful.

Take care of yourself and let us know what you decide to do. 

[Fritter]

Giving a longer, more auto-biographical post makes it easier to give advice, really, Red-Rilakkuma. Not that I can give good advice.

It's hard to keep in mind, but people aren't always right. And people don't always mean what they say, or think about what they say either. Ignore your grandparents when they say those things. Bring an mp3 player to the table and bring it out when they start saying things like that, if you must.

It took me a little while to find this, but here's a quote from a Vocaloid song by Hoehoe-P (apologies, my J-rock collection is not so inspiring): "There are still things precious to me I haven't yet sung". If you're really passionate about being a travel agent, there you go, that's your thing to do. If you're really passionate about, let's say, Destiel (sorry, it's the only spn ship I know), write Destiel fanfiction, there's sure to be someone out there who'll be happy with what you write.

About actually getting a job, try to search up some resume writing advice or something like "what job interviewers are looking for". I can't personally give any advice, having never had a job, but there is a lot out there.

[Mr_J]

Hey Red,

 I'm happy to give you any advice on resumes and getting jobs. I just finished uni and started my own company. You know what though, i could have done it without tafe or uni. 

 If you're having trouble finding jobs that interest you or you just don't want to work for someone else. I DON'T EVER WANT TO EVER AGAIN 🙂 Then just go start your own thing. Do what you love, love what you do. Love the work you do, the work will love your wallet.

Life is so great, you need to leave your mum behind and go find your own two feet. A parent needs to be a friend and a guider. She's neither to you. So place her in the "People that are in my life" you may love her but you have to make her show you respect first. 

Muchos luvos

 J