Intense fear of men

[Paige02]

I have a very weird intense fear of men and I actually don't know what to do with myself! Apparently I have been very shy around guys ever since I was little, which makes no sense as I did not go through any traumatic experience that I am aware of that would cause this fear and over the years shyness turned into plain fear. I have a healthy relationship with my dad and my younger brother and although I am awkward around my uncles I am still able to have conversations with them and not feel horrible, however the closer they are to my age the bigger my fear becomes. As a way to get over this fear I applied for a job at a factory as a receptionist and got it, I work around mostly men that are much older than me and I was painfully shy at first but I have learnt to be a little more confident around them however there is one guy there that I actually can not talk to at all and he is the youngest of the guys I think he's around 25 and I'm 18 the rest are 40 plus and married. I recently tried dating apps because my fear prevents me from meeting new people, I have also never had a good guy friend ever in my life! Anyway the dating app nearly made me throw up I was so nervous talking to the guys even online my stomach was in knots I felt like I was going to pass out, I am not confident in myself at all I hate the way I look and I don't really like myself as a person and I think that has a lot to do with it, I was teased a fair bit by guys in primary school and high school but it was nothing to out of hand, but my confidence plummeted dramatically around the age of 15 ish. my family has a long line of anxiety and depression but nothing like this, it really impacts my day to day life and I am about to start uni, I really think I'm going to screw it up bcause of this irrational fear and I really am terrified that I won't make any friends at all. On the surface I seem to be fairly easy going and fun loving so people think I exaggerate when I say that I am scared of boys, they think I'm just being dramatic but it's true and I hate myself for it because it makes no sense! Please does anyone have any advice? I feel like I am stuck in this mess of fear and anxiety and it's really impacting my happiness 

thanks heaps x 

[white knight]

Hi Paige02, welcome to beyond blue forums

I'm 59yo, but I can recall vividly similar feelings mainly 12-18yo. I went to an all boys school. I saw girls as aliens and the guys that went to a mixed school I used to think to myself "how can you talk to those girls"?

So the important lessen is, that you are not so unusual. Confidence in talking to guys for you isn't something you buy at a service station, nor learn from lessons, it comes natural for some more than others.

Looks. Attractiveness from a boy to a girl you and no other girl will never understand. Girls sometimes think they are not attractive yet you should let the guy make up his mind on that. You'd be surprised. My advice here is- wear anything that YOU alone like wearing. Don't follow others. The girl that wears things only she likes (even weird stuff like odd hats) can look absolutely gorgeous to a guy. A guy doesn't like so much the girl that follows all the others. Assets....some girls have nice legs but cover them up?? some have nice hair but don't care for it, some have a good smile but their shyness never allows it to show.  Take advantage of your good points and forget about worrying about what you see as unacceptable.

Finally, the guy that's right for you will seek you out for being you and only you. If you put yourself down you lose the race before it began. Find things to laugh about. Enjoy yourself.  Don't be too hard on yourself either, many of the feelings you describe are quite normal.

Take care.  Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Paige, thanks for posting and welcome to the site.

What you maybe suffering from is 'androphobia', which is the fear of men, and for a young lady this can be very compromising and you feel as a threat, this is understandable, as I too went to an all boys school, and the first girl I dated turned out to be my wife for 26 years, so I had a fear of asking a female out.

I don't know if you have time to go and see a psychologist who will treat you with cognitive therapy, or perhaps you could google 'desensitization', which is a process where you are gradually taught that you won't have any more fear.

It would be rather intimidating for you, however just take it slowly and please google this and then contact your doctor who will then recommend a psychologist, and ask your doctor about the mental health plan, where you can get 10 free visits. Geoff. x

[_NaturalTalent_]

Hi Paige,

Well haven't you been very descriptive 🙂 That's a great help to the rest of us. Firstly I want to recognise that you said you have family history of anxiety and depression, this is the most common scenario of ongoing issues.

Have you spoken to members of your family about your similarities? Whilst you say they don't suffer from what you are it IS possible they actually are, or have, but in a different way. Everybody deals with things differently & while other members of your family may not have issues with men, perhaps your brother or father have had issues with women in the past for example, or even a type of animal...

Anxiety is a crippling issue as you are well aware, but it manifests in many ways, for varied reasons. whilst you may not of had any bad experiences with males, perhaps your mind has, with such things as movies or books etc.

Or perhaps you are just putting too much pressure on yourself expecting to just get over this 'irrational' fear.

I don't get the feeling that you are trying to find a fix to find a relationship, I feel this is a much larger standing issue, and I think it is more about socialising in general. A key aspect of overcoming these sorts of things is a progressive approach.

You say you get along easier with the 40 odd yr olds at work, you said at first it was hard but you have adjusted some what. Now this is what I'm referring to when I say progressive, you started off uncomfortable but eased into it. I would like to suggest perhaps taking it further, try and talk with these guys when they pass by you, just with simple things such as saying Hi all the time, or asking how their night was, any plans for the weekend etc.

It can be very helpful to let the people around you know your issue, in what ever way you feel comfortable doing so. If you get a funny reaction trying to talk to the guys, just mention something like 'Just trying to become more sociable' or if your comfortable enough 'Just trying to get more used to you blokes'. Some people you may even feel or begin to feel comfortable telling 'I'm trying to get over my issue with men'. Whilst often very hard to open up, small comments or associations WILL stack up, building on each other to create a more stable atmosphere for you..

I would advise forgoing the dating sites for now that's obviously not your thing, but social networks are a great way to just casually talk to people. Don't get too indepth just talk about random stuff. Start small

[Narniakid]

Hi Paige02, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing with us.

I totally hear you - up until a couple of years ago, I was terrified of talking to guys. Looking back now, I can't remember what was so scary about it. It is something that comes differently for each person - confidence can only be developed naturally. I spoke to my other girl friends about it and they helped me build up confidence and encouraged me to talk to the boys at parties and in group conversations, so I always had them to fall back on if I froze up. 

What I encourage you to do is just practice - whether it's striking up a convo at the checkout, asking a co-worker about their weekend or talking to someone online. Practice practice practice. Fears can be eliminated with gradual exposure, which is what Exposure Therapy is all about. You can either do this by yourself, or with the help of a professional psychologist.

Most importantly, don't give up! It's something that we can all relate to at one level or another, and you're definitely not alone. You can do this!

Crystal