I'm lost and I don't know what to do

[Bec990]

First of all I am not diagnosed with depression or anxiety but I fear I am heading in that direction. My family life is falling to pieces and I feel as if I no longer belong in my friend group.

First of all my parents are not happily married. I'm not sure if they were ever in love. I've heard them argue and shout, constantly undermining each others actions. I know this isn't just them hitting a rough patch as my mother has told me about their issues over the last 10 years. They went to couple therapy for a few months about five years ago and kept it a secret, surely that means something. I have heard them argue about the most horrid things while I was in the other room. I walk out crying and hide in my cupboard. I am child number three of four. We have quite a large family and I think that is all that has kept my parents together over the last decade. Both my sisters have been to see the school councillor about anxiety and that is one of the main reasons I don't want to speak to the councillor because then they will think my family is broken. Which it is. Today my mother looked at her wedding photos which are hung up above the television and said "I need to take those down, they are really annoying". Your wedding day should not be a day you want to forget! I fear that after my sisters and I leave home my parents will either split up and be forever lonely or simply bicker every waking minute. They don't even sleep in the same room for heavens sake!

Now I can't explain all this to one of my friends simply because I feel as if I don't have any. My 'true' friends have moved schools so my friendship group no longer feels right. It feels as if I don't belong there anymore. I've tried to branch out to other friendship groups but  wherever I go I feel as if I don't fit in. The one time I did try to talk to a 'friend' about my family issues they avoided me for weeks and I'm pretty sure they still think I'm crazy.I no longer know what to do. Sometimes I find my self going for a walk and simply bursting out into tears because it all gets too much. I want to call someone or talk to someone about it but I'm worried I'll push away another friend. And friends are kind of a rare thing in my life at the moment. Does anyone have any advice? I feel lost, all I want to be is happy. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Bec

Thank you for telling us your story. It's very hard to live in a family that seems to be having a civil war. And there really is not much you can do to change it. It is up to your parents to get their act together and either live together in a reasonable manner or separate. If your parents separate it will be up to them to make a happy life or not. I understand when you love someone you want them to be happy but this is one of the sad things about life. You cannot manufacture happiness for anyone except yourself.

So this is where you need to look after yourself. If talking to your school counsellor is too hard then go and have a chat with your GP. If you are 16 or over you do not need a parent with you. In any case I think it is reasonable to have a chat on your own. As you say, you do not have depression but worrying about your parents is pushing you down that path. A chat with your GP may help you to avoid that.

Have you talked to either of your parents about how their behaviour is affecting you and your siblings? They may be surprised at the damage it is doing. You can but try to let them know how unhappy you are being in the middle of all this.

Start with a chat to your doctor who has probably seen other situations similar to yours and can offer some effective strategies.  Also keep writing in here as it helps to get it out of yourself.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Bec, hello and it's nice to be able to talk with you, even though it's by the computer.

From you have said I want to suggest that you go and see your doctor, but this would depend on your age, however your mum appears to have told you about some secrets, so she might be ideal for you to take her, and can stay in the waiting room while you talk to your doctor.

I just wanted to mention this first before I continue.

Sometimes parents sleep in other rooms because they are annoyed or cross at their spouse, but it doesn't seem to be the case here, and as you say 'staying together because of the children', but this seems as though it is doing more damage than good, so if they separated then the house hold would be more peaceful.

Parents shouldn't stay together if they fight from noon to dusk, that is all day everyday, and sometimes with little provocation, perhaps it's to save money, or they can't afford to rent another place, but they would be surprised on how someone can cope living on their own.

If they did separate I wonder how you would feel, but then a decision has to be made who will you live with, I think I know but would like you to respond.

To make friends the person has to show signs of being happy or perhaps being confident, but when you are depressed this will be very difficult, because you're not feeling well at all, so a group of 'friends' won't simply pick you to join them, because they believe that you have to earn respect so that you can join the group.

I want to go back to my first comment and again suggest that you see your doctor, but if however your sister goes and sees him/her then I would see someone else.

This could be a problem because we don't know your age, but I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[Narniakid]

Hey Bec990, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing with us.

As a child of divorce from age 9, I know how upsetting it can be living with parents who are fighting. At the end of the day, divorce isn't the enemy; it can create peace between you and your parents, and it can open up a whole new avenue. 

Have you mentioned any of this to your mother? Perhaps she is not aware that the fighting is affecting you this badly. I'd definitely go with what the others have suggested, and see a doctor for a professional diagnosis, and a referral to a psychologist. It is at the stage where it is causing you long-term grief, and you deserve to be happy.

Crystal