I just need to vent... I think

[Lostflutterby]

Hi, I'm a 23 y.o mum and for all of my life my dad has been a heavy smoker and drinker, it's been taking it toll on his health and last week we found out he had a silent heart attack( didn't get any symptoms)... Anyway, the doctor has ordered him to stop drinking, smoking, driving and working and he also has limited the liquid intake for the next four weeks. My mum told me this morning that dad has completely ignored the advice of the doctor and drove down the street this morning to buy a bottle of wine, smokes and the paper. When they confronted him he laughed it off as "it's not far to drive" and when they took the smokes and alcohol off him he hopped in the car and went and bought more.

 i don't know what to say or think. He keeps making excuses as to why it's ok. I'm going to see him tomorrow and ask him how he would feel if he hit another car, if he had another attack while driving... And what if that car was me and my little girl and he killed us both, how would he live with that... But he will just find more excuses. I'm so angry and upset with him and I don't know what to say or do. I get he has an addiction and I didn't expect him to totally quit smoking and drinking instantly... But they driving has really annoyed me. Sorry, I don't know why I've posted I'm just upset.

[white knight]

Hi Lostflutterby, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

I know why you posted, it isnt a common "venting" post. It is a real problem you have and you are stuck emotionally and morally as to what you should do. Advice is subjective so expect totally different points of view here on this one.

My advice 20 years ago would be to confront him and push your morals down his throat for the same reasons- safety of others and himself. Not now. At 59yo I've seen all this happen many times and I can honestly say that it doesnt work. All he will do is treat you as an alien...you'll lose your dad.

My advice is to say nothing but you do have the right to lose respect for him. He'll know something is wrong one day and ask you...then you tell him you've lost respect because he doesnt put family first above smokes, booze and safety.

Leave him be. He'll have enough people on his back. And one more wont change his attitude.

Tony WK

[Zeal]

Hi lostflutterby,

I am almost 22 and studying psychology. I agree with White Knight about not getting too involved. As you are a Mum, you have your own family to care for and worry about. I'm not saying you should disregard or ignore your Dad. You could call him weekly for a chat, and keep in contact with your Mum about how things are going for both of them.

Unfortunately, your Dad is stubbornly resisting help, so pushing him more could just lead to him becoming angry. As your Dad has been a heavy smoker and drinker for all of your life, it will take medical help to stop him. As much as you care about him and wish he could listen to reason, you probably can't help him. He needs to want to help himself, which will hopefully happen eventually.

In the meantime, just keep in touch with your Dad, but don't let his situation overwhelm you and cause destruction in your own life. Your child is your priority. It's great that this child has a sensible and stable Mum 🙂

I hope things improve for your Dad, and for your family,

SM

[Doolhof]

Hi Lostflutterby,

I'm not really sure what the answer is here. I don't know if your father would listen to you if you asked him about how he would feel if he caused a fatal car accident, especially so if he happened to kill you and your child.

You certainly know your father better than any of us do. It will be interesting for you to get back to us to know what the outcome has been once you have spoken to him if you decided to do so.

At this time you can be a support to your Mum as well as your Dad if you are able to. Your Mum must be going through a battle of her own trying to get your Dad to see reason.

My husband had cancer 10 years ago. I thought this might change to way he viewed his health and his life. It did, but not in the manner I expected. Instead of trying for a healthier life style, he went in the opposite direction, putting on loads of weight eating and drinking anything available.

On asking him why, he said because he was living for today and tomorrow could take care of itself.

Maybe your Dad has a similar attitude. Maybe he is having trouble accepting the position he now finds himself in and this is his way of coping. Maybe reality has just not hit him yet.

Fighting your Dad on these issues is going to be very draining for all involved. I hope you are able to find a balance between caring for your Dad and also for yourself and your child. If tension and stress become too much of an issue, then please try to find ways to cope with how you are feeling.

Hope some of this helps. White Knight and SM have given you some good advice as well. Take care of yourself, from Mrs. Dools

[Lostflutterby]

So I spoke to my 20 y.o brother and he decided to talk to dad himself first, dad and I have always had a close bond and since my brother was and dad were already hostile to each other it we decided I wasn't going to talk to dad just yet as because we don't want dad feeling like the entire world is against him. He mentioned the chance of Car accident and dad shrugged it off, telling my brother not to be stupid and he always has ridiculous ideas.Dad was finding excuses for every point my brother put forward. In the end dad started on his usual, this is my house and you will follow my rules. Dad tries to be a patriach and for the best part mum and my brother bow down to his every word, just as I used to u til I moved out 5 years ago. So once dad said stop they did.

I went and saw them today,  I had a screaming toddler and a few other things happening and ended up flying off the handle at my mum, that has been sorted but it means I didn't get a chance to talk to dad at all, even in general. 

My dad has been a drinker and smoker far longer than my entire life, he was stealing his dads smokes and alcohol before his dad died... My grandfather died in 1967 when my dad was just 11. From what my aunties and uncles have told me, dad started drinking heavily around 1972 when my nanna moved to the area we live in now but dad was stuck in the city for work. 

I can't seem to calm down about this, I'm not usually an angry person but the last few days I've been flying off the handle at everyone except my daughter,but I do find my patience is low with her. My depression is at an all time low and I just don't know what I can do. I hate seeing my dad with the attitude when I die it must be my time. It's affecting us all. 

Finally on a semi positive note, today my dad didn't drive and he only had three smokes and no alcohol... Thanks for your replies I will keep you posted...

[Doolhof]

Hi Lostflutterby,

I would like to encourage you to try to work out what is making you feel really angry right now and to find ways to calm yourself down again.

Relationships can be difficult at the best of times, but when there is added stress and problems, communication becomes more difficult. It is good you have been able to sort things out with your Mum after your issues the other day.

Hopefully your Dad will be able to work through his issues and come to terms with his health problems and see the sense in changing his ways.

I hope you are able to find a sense of peace in all of this for your sake, your child's and for the family as well. Take time out to look after yourself as well as caring for everyone else.

From Mrs. Dools

[Lostflutterby]

I think it's just everything going on in my life, and now this with dad has gotten to me. Had a rocky relationship with my partner for years but now we are getting better, I never yelled I just kept quiet. He also has anxiety, depression and borderline personality disorder and Ive carried the weight of that also. We had what we thought was a friend live with us for just over a year but she just caused more issues. There's no work in my town that we so desperately need but then the guilt sets in because of my daughter. I'm just so frustrated at my situation. And I can't even change anything unless I move away. We are signing up to a gym in a few weeks hoping that might help...

[Doolhof]

Hi Lostflutterby,

Have you and your partner tried some sort of counselling, either together or separately? I am trying to organise some for my husband and I to help our relationship.

I have been looking online for information as well and found some interesting stuff on the Relationships Australia site.

It must be very difficult not having employment as well. My husband has been out of work for two years so I understand that part a little. Are there employment assistance places in your town or nearby that might be able to help you look for work you may not be aware of?

Going to the gym could be a good idea for you both. Even just going out for a walk and talking is a great way to reconnect again and do something together.

Sorry to read that having the friend there didn't help. That isn't always an easy situation to be in either.

I hope your Mum and Dad are keeping well and your Dad is slowly understanding the implications of his health.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Lostflutterby]

For my partner and I we just needed to learn to recommunicate. Which we are slowly doing. Counselling is something I've done since high school and it's helped me and my partner did it for about 5-6 sessions but found it just made him more uncomfortable without actually helping. We have made a point of spending 15-20 each day before bed to talk about the day and anything we may be feeling. And one of us always get up to our daughter while the other sleeps, and every morning we make a point of saying. Good morning, how did you sleep, would u like a coffee... Rather than just hey and then playing with our daughter without talking otherwise.

i actually got a call last night and I've been invited in for an interview at the racv resort which is about 15 mins from my house. That will be on Wednesday XD.

AS far as dad goes, I had a casual chat with him yesterday and from what I can tell, he thinks it's like every other health issue he's had. The doctor can give him medication or an operation and he will be fine and that lifestyle plays no role in his health. I found out that he only drives once a day at 6.30 when the paper shop opens, I still don't like it but I also know that there's very few people out at that time of the morning. I feel a little more relaxed about that now because it sounds terrible but I cared more about someone else getting hurt than dad getting hurt, simply coz my dad doesn't care. 

My mum has also thrown her hands up, she's switched her focus to getting my brother ready to head off to uni in 4 weeks and preparing for my daughter second birthday in march.

as far as the gym goes, we are both overweight and when we first met we used to walk for a good hour every day, fast paced and ate really well. We spoke about it and we really want to get into the gym and work hard, really want to lose some weight, partner did well last year he lost 15kg and three years ago I lost 9kg but then fell pregnant. We are really looking forward to getting back Into it.

thank you

[Doolhof]

Hi Lostflutterby,

It sounds to me like you are getting back on track with positive thinking and making plans for your futures regarding the exercising and returning to the gym.

I like your idea of chatting more with your partner. My husband and I need to sort something out regarding when we can both sit down for a decent chat.

I'm pleased for you that you have been able to speak with your Dad. It is a shame he doesn't seem able to realise the enormity of his health concerns. I guess he may be in denial, in time he might think differently.

Your Mum is probably doing the best she can with all that is happening around her. Unfortunately there is little point in wasting a lot of energy and time trying to make your Dad see sense if he is not willing to listen.

It is good your Mum can focus on your Daughter's 2nd birthday and your brother's return to Uni.

I wish you and your partner well with the exercise and also with building up your relationship. Communication is so important isn't it!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools