I hate myself

Brooklyn · ‎26-02-2014

Hi, I am an almost 15 year old girl living in Australia. I go to school, I'm active... I'm just what seems to be a normal 15year old girl, but, I'm not. At my school I am classified as one of those always happy, smiling, funny girls, but I'm really not. People don't know the real me. I'm always feeling worthless like I don't belong, I don't fit in.. I feel like I am different from everyone in every way.. I am an outcast. I can't look at anyone in the eyes for more than a few seconds, including teachers and friends. Even the slightest insult can make me want to lock myself in the room and tell myself I should of not gone out that day being as... I look like.. Me. When someone looks at me I want to cover my face, I'm scared of what they're thinking. I lay in the shower thinking about what it would be like to cut, how much release I could gain, I could start, but I'm scared my parents and friends would see it.. I've thought about "leaving" but scared on the effect on my peers and etc. I'm scared to ask for a councillor. I just like to ignore my feelings and pretend I'm happy. People think I'm happy. At school sometimes I convince myself I'm happy but then wake up to reality.

Im also cared to tell anyone because I don't like attention. I'll do anything to stop having attention on me.

Is this depression or sadness or anxiety?

What do you think in dealing with? :((

What can I do?

-brooklyn

Suzbj · ‎26-02-2014

Hi Brooklyn, There are so many things I’d like to say and so many things I don’t want to say. What I don’t want to say is ‘I know how you feel’. I’m 52yo but I still remember and always will those high school years. I also know it is so different and more difficult for young people today re technology like facebook, twitter and the internet in all its forms. But one thing remains the same.. that lost feeling as a teenager from probably 13yo up depending on the individual person. I used to cop “you don’t have any problems!! What would you know about problems??”

I can’t say whether you are clinically depressed or give you a diagnosis but what I can say is please see your school counsellor. If you don’t feel trust with your school counsellor than see someone else or contact Beyond Blue, Headspace or a number of other organisations that are geared to helping young people. Even just a phone call or webchat. It is not unusual to feel the feelings you have mentioned at your age. Most people live behind a mask of ‘what they pretend to be’ especially in teenage years while they are really scared on the inside. But it is tough getting through those teenage years. There is absolutely a light at the end of the tunnel not to far up ahead. My personal belief is that it is also crucial to have a role model in your life. What I am talking about here is normal teenage stuff. If you are in doubt that you are experiencing normal teenage stuff and I’m figuring you are concerned because you have posted here, get help. I don’t have to know you to know you are so valuable and worthy of all the best that life has to offer. Hang in there and just go one step at a time. And please respond and let us all know you are okay. Cheers Suz

geoff · ‎26-02-2014

dear Brooklyn, hello, I'm so pleased that you have found this site, where you are amongst a group of wonderful and caring people who have been through what is happening to yourself, and even now some are still struggling like hell.

What you have described is this horrible illness which is depression in every way that's possible.

It breaks my heart to see that such a young kid has to cope with this illness as there are definitely no good benefits in having it, although maybe one, and that's when you have overcome it it will make you a stronger person, but that's a way off yet.

By pretending to everyone with a smiling face is what we all do, and we call this putting on a 'fake face', but over time it becomes too exhausting and then we retreat and only want to be alone.

If you have a good relationship with your parents and especially your mum then I would talk to her, and when this happens you will break down and cry, then she will realise that something is definitely troubling you, so can I suggest that before you speak to her that you write down on some paper and say 'MUM I'M DEPRESSED', which you can elaborate on if you want to, but you are too young to fight this awful illness by yourself, and even adults can't fight it by themselves, it takes a doctor to get the ball rolling, and this is very important to do this, away from school so no one there will know.

I have to be so careful on what I can say to you because of your age and if I go over the requirements then it won't be printed, as this is for your protection, which I totally agree with.

Have a think about this and please please get back to us, we all want to help you as much as we can, as the wonderful people here are just so caring and they are wonderful people who make this site going, the females are allowed to be more loving in what they can say, but most are probably still asleep.

Please get back to us either now or when the lovely ladies reply to you. Geoff. x

guest75 · ‎26-02-2014

Hi Brooklyn (by the way love that name, it is my youngest daughters name 🙂 )

As geoff said, dont try to fight this disease alone

Tell someone what is going on, your mum, school counsellor, a GP...Someone

I tried to fight it alone, i kept up the fake happy face for over 2 years, before it eventually all caught up with me. I became a horrible angry person which cost me my relationship and now I hardly ever see my kids (only on weekends) which kills me that i cant see them everyday

Since getting help (psychologist and Meds) i have improved out of sight, have a new relationship, new job and everything is looking up

But depression you cant fight alone, it will eventually catch up with you until you hit a tipping point so please speak to someone and get some help to beat it

Matty

scorch · ‎26-02-2014

Hi Brooklyn

first of all, you should feel proud for taking the courage to reach out and tell someone how you're feeling. this is a great start and is a step towards managing your pain. I also encourage you to listen to what Matty and Geoff have said and take it on board, they know their stuff, plus there are some resources on the beyond blue website that might help you 🙂

What you described is exactly how I felt when I was at high school. So I felt moved to make a comment. I guess I just want to say that you can get through these feelings, even though it might not seem like it now. The feelings and hurt might not go away completely, but there are ways to learn to manage and minimise them... and healthy ways too, not by self harm or anything like that.

I really urge you, please don't start self harming! You might think it will give you release, but it wont! It will just make everything you feel seem 10 times worse, plus you'll feel more things like guilt and failure and anger. I self harmed for over 7 years, and that led into addictions and all sorts of things... you really don't want to go down that road. It won't make you happy.

I hope you can take some encouragement from the fact that even though we're on the other end of a computer keyboard, people on this forum understand some of what you're going through and care about you. I hope you'll take some strength from that and feel able to approach your family and friends to get help.

🙂

Scorch