I hate myself

roxie15 · ‎10-10-2020

I do. I have always felt this way. I hate how obnoxious I usually sound and even though it's is not hard for me to make friends, but it's hard maintaining them. The thing is that I was a people pleaser. I used to act how others wanted me to act. So I used to be hard on myself when people wouldn't like me and make a list of how I can please them. It was exhausting. And moreover, I could never feel close to others because in my mind I always knew that none of them knew the real me. I felt alone. So I decided to change that. I thought this year I will focus all the attention on myself and will not care what others think of me. For that ofc I had to remove all the toxic people from my life to have a new head start (that was the hardest). It is October now, and right when I thought that I would not hate myself and love me for the way I am, it is so hard. For a very long time I have avoided all these flaws in me that it is hard to accept them all over again.

I do have a best friend btw (she lives in a different country, I am an international student), and she keeps telling me that although I do act crazy but that is normal, everybody is annoying in one way or the other- they just don't know it. And she's right (wish I was one of them 😅. Life would've been so much easier. But it is not. And the worst, real me is so obnoxious. I don't like her, but I want to because I know this is what I am. And I am this way because of all the rejections, hurt and abandonment. And it is okay to feel this way. But it is hard.

Sophie_M · ‎10-10-2020

Hey roxie15,

Welcome to our friendly online forums. Our valued community is a safe space for you to share your thoughts, seek and give support. We are so grateful you've joined us here, it is very brave of you. We're so sorry to hear that you're struggling with these thoughts about not liking yourself and that you are finding it difficult to accept all parts of yourself. You sound quite self-aware and that's a very good thing. Please know that you are not alone and there is support available to you.

We would like to encourage you to get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/
It sounds like you're dealing with difficult feelings and thoughts and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

It might also be worth having a chat with your school counsellor if that option is available to you.

Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer.

therising · ‎10-10-2020

Hi roxie15

Sounds like you're in the process of incredible reformation, becoming your most natural you. Takes a lot of courage to do this. By the way, it is amazing what happens when we can no longer tolerate not being our most natural self.

Would be interesting to know what you mean by 'obnoxious'. Wondering if you're referring to honesty. Say, in the past where someone would have been rude and thoughtless to you and you wouldn't have wanted to upset them, maybe you internalised their words letting such words impact you. Now, with honesty, you can honestly ask (without any filter) 'What is it that leads you to be so incredibly rude and thoughtless?' Of course, if you asked someone that, they'd most likely be offended. They might refer to you as obnoxious, thoughtless, rude, disrespectful and so on. Do you think your natural self is honest?

The filter aspect can be a challenge to master: How much of a filter to use and under what circumstances do you switch it off. We can filter what we say through personal integrity, through compassion, through self control etc. If someone is arrogantly degrading me roxie, the filter generally comes off and questioning comes in, 'Okay, what leads you to be so messed up in the head that you feel it's perfectly alright to degrade people in the ways that you do? I have to know'.

It is amazing how much wonder can be a natural part of who we are. We can wonder about why others tick the way they do. We can either keep that wonder to our self or we can ask those people straight out, such as with that last example I gave 🙂 I'm imagining you to be a wonderful sort of person, as opposed to defining you as obnoxious.

It's definitely exhausting, using our filter system 24/7, just to please others, when others simply appear to be careless with their filter. I used to be a serious people pleaser too. In some ways it was depressing, letting people treat me how they wanted to without me challenging them. I was an enabler. This might sound weird but I can remember not too long ago thinking 'I wonder if I can just say what I want without thinking (my way out of it)'. I let myself do this and found it incredibly liberating. It's an automatic self esteem booster. I've found, when you question folk, often they feel challenged. Some people, in my opinion, need to be challenged to higher consciousness.

Honesty, wonder and the ability to constructively challenge people to evolve are definitely not flaws, they are super natural abilities.

🙂

roxie15 · ‎11-10-2020

Hi therising's!

Yes, by obnoxious I mean honest. And in the past I have been very sweet to people but now I just don't want to. But I am not mean, just straightforward. And you are right, it is very liberating. Although, maybe honesty can be used in a different way- like your given example. Maybe people would take honesty well if used in a polite manner. My honest way is too blunt. I think I'm just tired of being sweet.

Also I think I am a little angry. This year I lost the people I thought were my close friends. And cut most of my relatives because in my opinion they were a little toxic. But I didn't cut them permanently though. It is just, when you are not secure with yourself, it is easier to feel down.

But I think you're right 'therisng's! This is not a flaw and I shouldn't change it. Although maybe I should cut a little on the sarcastic remakes 😅. It can make other person feel bad and that's the least I want.

Nevertheless, thank you, your post was very helpful. And I feel better now.

^_^

therising · ‎11-10-2020

Hi roxie15

I believe part of the challenge of coming to know our most natural self involves a little fine tuning on the path to mastery. Tuning out to those who prove toxic is in some ways part of the process.

It's interesting how when you're undertaking such a process, tuning out, you can find yourself naturally tuning in to inspiration/intuition. Wondering if you're finding this to be the case. It's like you can be thinking 'I can't live without this person', when suddenly what comes to mind is 'But you can't live with them if they're going to continue behaving this way'. Doesn't mean they can't reform and, in turn, reform the relationship.

I have found inspiration to be an interesting thing. Give you a toxic scenario:

You can be asking 'What's wrong with me?' when suddenly what comes to mind (from out of the blue) is 'Nothing, that person being a bleep'. By the way, have substituted any swear word with 'bleep'. If you're a wonderful sort of person (full of wonder), you may want to know why they're being this way, 'Why is this person being such a bleep?' What comes to mind may be 'Because they don't know any better and they don't care to know any better'. In other words they could not care less about being anything other than a bleep. You could stop wondering and cut to the chase, asking them why this is the case or you could continue wondering and see what else comes to mind. What comes to mind may be 'They were taught to be this way by their father or mother. They were taught this is a strength, not a fault'. Again, if you were bold enough, you could ask if this is the case 🙂

Roxie, I believe we pay a price for the wrong education in life. If we're being educated by others on why we're so hopeless, incapable or unlovable, it costs us our natural self. Bit by bit this self diminishes. It can be incredibly depressing, to lose our self in such a way. We also pay a price or tuition when it comes to re-membering our natural self. I believe, we have to 1) let go of that old hopeless and degrading education from others and we have to 2) give our attention to inspiration (what naturally comes to mind). I suppose you could say that if inner knowing comes at a cost and the price of such internal tuition is our attention, the greater the attention we pay the greater the education.

I believe we can either be insensitive and closed minded or sensitive and open minded. Inspiration/intuition works best with the 2nd. Being sensitive has its perks.

🙂