I don’t feel like myself at all

[emma1425]

I’m 17 years old and all of this has been going on for about a year now. I’m really suffering, no where near as bad as what i used to be but I still struggle horribly everyday. I’ll try my best for this to make sense but I can’t make any promises as I can’t seem to understand all of this myself.
So around a year ago I begun hanging out with the ‘stoner’ crowd I suppose and started to smoke myself. The first couple of times were odd for me, I felt very animated, like everything I was saying was dumb, like everything was more so like a dream and I just felt drained and anxious. Most people would stop there if they were feeling that way but I continued to smoke everyday for around 8 months mainly by myself at home even though it made me feel horrible and I knew that deep down. It was more so I liked the act of smoking a cone than the high. Every time I am high I start thinking about all dumb things I have done in my life or during the day and actually have to psychically talk to myself and tell myself to stop thinking about it or I will bury my face in my hands and tell myself I’m stupid, dumb etc. I would cry often and instead of walking fast of my bus, keen to get to school and see people as I always did, I begun to feel anxious about it, which was something I’d never really experienced before. I went from being loud and happy to almost completely quiet and always down. Even my best friend became very foreign to me, I remember specific times he would try to joke with me like we always did but I would always ruin the mood by saying something boring or dumb. Eventually we drifted and nothing is the same between us to this day. I didn’t know what was happening to me, it’s like my mind was completely blank and I never had anything to contribute to a conversation. Fast forward to a year from now, I don’t have a single friend that I used to, in fact I have no friends. I now dread school and when I do go the day drags by, I am lucky if I have two brief conversations with somebody and I spend my spare time in the library just waiting to go home and jump into bed. I stopped smoking about 2 months ago after deciding I can’t continue to live like this. I’m not the same as I used to be, I can’t even comprehend the old me, it just doesn’t make sense to me as to how I used to be able to live in the moment and enjoy social interactions, etc. I just want to feel like me again and know why this all happened.

[white knight]

Hi Emma, welcome, I'm glad you posted.

Your experience reminded me of my days in the Air Force. I joined at 17yo and as I didn't drink alcohol, I was alienated a lot so I was left alone and was treated as "odd". So eventually I broke and started drinking. The effect of that was that when drunk I was the village clown, everyone laughed at what I said or did and the more I laughed the more often I drank even though I didn't like alcohol. This went on for 2 years then suddenly I disliked vomiting and being chastised by my bosses. I had to change.

However, all my friends were stuck in the past. They wanted the clown to keep going. But I'd changed. I matured and realized if I continued to go on that journey I'd get into strife and would they be there then to help me?- a big NO!

The big wake up call came when I was caught drink driving and lost my license. It was the best rigger I could imagine. So I started rebuilding my life with positive things. Remember, you only need one good solid friend, two are even better, but a group is not a bunch of close friends. Think about joining light sports like badminton, table tennis or volleyball, netball. Don't worry if you aren't good at it, that isn't the reason you join.

We cant diagnose here as we aren't professional medical people but if you have the opportunity to visit your GP that would be a good start if there is any trace of abnormal levels of anxiety.

I', glad you are so honest about everything as this place is anonymous. I don't know much about the effects of smoking/consuming drugs but its a no brainer really that it doesn't do any good. The "new Emma" can do without that. An old man I visited once said, as I walked outside to have a cig "you don't need that" and it was the last cigarette I ever smoked after 15 years. I hope you listen the same to this old man lol.

I think you are on the right track. It's incredible how you have thrown aside your past and asked questions about how to move forward. To reinvent yourself is the greatest thing you will ever do.

The "new Emma" has a ring to it don't you think?

TonyWK

[emma1425]

I think I didn’t word it correctly, what I’m trying to say if after smoking weed for such a long time I lost a sense of who I was. I’m no longer happy and outgoing, all that went away when I started to smoke. Even now that I’ve stopped I’m still extremely anxious which is something I haven’t dealt with before. I feel numb all the time and I just don’t know what made me me anymore. I’m merely existing. I guess what I’m trying to say is weed destroyed who I was and I can’t seem to get myself back. The new ‘emma’ isn’t good, she sucks and hates her life

[white knight]

Hi Emma

Unless someone else has some ideas I suggest you bisit your GP. We aren't trained to diagnose your pronlem.

Any separate issues we might be able to assist.

Tony WK

[Chloe_M]

Hi Emma,

I feel exactly the same way. My best friend and I had a major fight last year, and my other friends were pressuring me to get over it and continue life without him. I sort of became a 'new me'. The 'new Chloe' wasn't very nice. My friends liked her because she acted like she didn't care about losing her best friend- let's call him 'Bob' for confidentiality purposes. In reality, I still cared immensely for Bob. He was the person I could talk to without getting interrupted or judged or laughed at or being told I was wrong. All of a sudden, that was just gone.

Now, I am trying to make myself a better person, trying to become myself again. I found that the best version of me is the real me. Just be yourself, and be honest, and I feel like that is the key to finding love, gaining trust, and most importantly, feeling happy and confident in who you are. I know it might be hard, but it gets easier.

At the moment, I am struggling with anxiety and what I feel like may be depression. I do not have a diagnosis, but I am going to a GP soon to get a referral to see a psychologist. This anxiety causes me to have panic attacks, to dread everything and hallucinate. I think I'm also turning into a germaphobe. After suffering like this for a few months, I reached out to my friends, including Bob. I now have a lot of support, in the limited but valuable way that only friends can give. I gained their love and support through being myself again.

It may take a while but trust me, its worth it. Best of luck to you Emma!

xx Chloe_M

[EllieM]

Hi Emma. I’m your age too, and I understand the whole “there’s something wrong with me” and “I’m lost” thing. It’s kinda typical for our age tbh. But I have some advice for you. I have a friend called Carter who smoked weed all the time. And it changed him. He can be “skitzo” meaning anxious, oversensitive, bland in a way. Weed tends to do this. It’s a drug and when used frequently is very dangerous. It seems to me that you were trying to escape from reality. But if you want to reach our ultimate desire as human beings, which is enlightenment, you need to know yourself. And you say you don’t. Firstly, you can’t go back in time. But you can bring back your fun, loving, funny personality. Just be patient and understanding with yourself. I don’t like talking to Carter when he’s been smoking but he hasn’t for a while now. He’s starting to get his deep, passionate, on the ball persnality back. Weed makes you supposedly “chill” but takes it too far to the point where you can’t function properly. Stay away from it now. You’ve learnt your lesson. Escape in healthy ways. Meditate (it’s extremely healthy). This just means sitting on the beach, taking deep long breaths, feeling your tummy move up and down and clearing your mind. Write your feelings in a diary to clear your mind too, like releasing your problems off your shoulders and onto paper. And this is also very important: EAT HEALTHILY. An egg and nuts and veggies every day or something like that. Brain food. Work your brain, try hard in school, keep your doors open and set a goal for yourself. Without a goal, you have no purpose, and us humans need a purpose to not feel numb. Get a goal of getting good marks to being a spaceman for all I know. And reach for them. Believe in yourself, acknowledge 3 positives things every day and focus on them, because what you focus on grows. Then shoot for the stars, be a great person, achieve your dreams. Be a loyal friend, love, live, change the world, stand out, don’t follow the crowd, don’t be a sheep, be friendly, do something every day to take you out of your comfort zone. That’s how I made all my friends, because I forced myself to talk to people. At first I was awkward af, now I seem like I’m a bloody president (someone told me that haha). I can talk to anyone now and little shy me wouldn’t never have guessed I could achieve that. You are still you Emma, just not the best version of yourself. Don’t limit yourself with your mind. Hope that helped. Xx

[Chloe_M]

Emma hi, just popping in to see how you're going. Anything you want to talk about?

xx Chloe

[Samm99]

Hey Emma, I'm 17 and I'm going through the exact same thing, everything you said. I'd love to know how you're doing now since it's been 2 years. Right now what makes more sense to me is something like DP/DR, but I really don't know what happened to me and that is the most frightening part. Sometimes I just think that I freaked up my brain or something by smoking weed. The worst part is the inability to empathize with people. Anyway, it'd be really helpful to hear from you.

[Guest_44188090]

hey it's been 6 years since this post - how're you doing now?

[Guest_44188090]

hey it's been 4 years - how're you doing now?