Hi Ginny,
Thanks for sharing, that took courage and it is respected and appreciated here. For starters, let's stop referring to ourself as "crazy girlfriend", ok? That is hardly a label that fits nor one you need right now.
Whatever it is you have done in your past that you may be ashamed of, as your friends say it is the past. It is what it is, and that is all. We can only do the best we can with the information and knowledge at hand, at the time. And therefore, you need to forgive yourself. You never had a choice in the matter, it is as if our emotional state can put us in a state of "auto pilot" and we just "do". However, now that you are aware of these feelings, there is a chance for you to control them, and not be controlled by them.
I definitely recommend you go and see a doctor and get a referral to a counselor or behavioural therapist. It is important to flesh out these feelings, these thoughts, and to get to the root of your pain. Then, and only then, can you go about healing and peeling off the layers of hurt; and finally re-calibrating your thoughts/feelings in order to develop a healthier set of thinking and feeling habits. This is quite necessary, and well worth it.
Please, speak to us here at YBB anytime. We'll help as much as we can. Call the YBB Helpline if you need to. And open up to those willing to help. YOu have an excellent support network around you, use it. It is time for you to heal, and to throw off the layers of hurt. You deserve this. All the best.
Steve
