I am 14 and I think i have social anxiety or co-dependancy please help me

[help_me]

ok so i have grown up not having friends but all of a sudden there have been activities that i have had to go to that require being with people and doing social things. Everytime outside of school when someome asks me to come over i say no because i get really bad anxiety over it and im not sure why. This anxiey has happened when i went to a new school and i couldnt even get out the car. I have always been scared to go on trips and stuff. my parents seem to be involved in this. can i not ever be without them? how do i get better and become a more independent person please help. some one asked my over today and i said no because of  the anxiety i have and it looked like they were having a fun time. every public place i go i feel like some one i know will come up to me and ask me to hang out and i wouldnt know what to say help

[Neil_1]

Hi Help Me

Can I just say that by you coming on here and putting down that post is an extremely courageous thing to do.  It does take a deal of effort and inner strength to not only come on here, but then to post out about how you are feeling.

That is a tremendous step forward that you've made.

Was the new school from last year?  Will you still be at that school this year?  If so, I'm hoping that it might not be as bad for you when the times comes for you to go back.  But hey, that's still some time off yet.  We've only just kicked over into 1st January.

Did the person who asked you over today; are they a friend from school or a neighbour?  Maybe if they ask again (and you're available), perhaps you could put a time limit for yourself to go ... I kind of do that myself;  and I let them know when I arrive that I've gotta be gone by such and such a time ... which means they actually help you out by that, cause they'll watch the clock for you.  Like, "Hey, it's close to 4pm, you'd better get moving soon".  Usually works a treat.

I'm not sure of your relationship with your parents, but I hope it's a good one;  and if it is, then hang in there with them.  Would you feel able to talk to either of them about how you feel?

Help Me, that's all I'll write for this time, but will look forward to hearing back from you soon,

Kind regards

Neil

[Pixie15]

Hi Help Me,

It is quite possible that you have learnt some negative ways of thinking from your parents. I am fairly certain I have passed on a few to my own son. I am thinking that in some circumstances you are managing to talk to your friends or you would not be getting an invitation to visit them.  

Neil is on the right track with removing some of the uncertainties. Do you think it would be possible for you to invite someone you like to do something with you. If you like to go somewhere like the movies. You could arrange for your parents to drop you off and pick you up. 

Also remember it is your choice to say yes or no to an invitation. 

Please let us know how you are going.

Happy New Year. 

[Lillybell]

I just wish I could give you a big hug. Everything you've written was me at your age. I was very shy and had to move to the city and start at a new school when I was 13. It was traumatic. What I would say to you that I wish someone had said to me is that you're not alone and that these feelings are normal. You sound shy like I was. I didn't know what to say to people. When I was 16 I bought a book that I thought would help. I probably won't be allowed to mention the title, but anyway it helped me with my shyness. So I would encourage you to look for books on developing self esteem and confidence. Also there will be resources on this site for you that will be helpful. 

The other thing that you will find encouraging is that one of my daughters suffered terribly with separation anxiety and like you would not get out of the car after starting at a new school. She discovered the guitar in highschool and joined the school band. This helped her a lot with her anxiety. Eventually she was part of the leadership team at school and is now a school teacher herself! So there is hope. Developing hobbies and interests like sport is a good way to make friends and you don't have to focus so much on talking  because you're involved in activity. This can help to break the ice a bit and help you get to know people in a less pressured way. Keep posting your thoughts to let us know how you're going. I  Just remembered another thing. School counsellors are wonderful too. They helped me a lot with my daughter's anxiety. Just remember you're not alone and there are people more than willing to help.

[geoff]

dear Help me, separation anxiety is awful, as I had it at the day of school where I bawled my eyes out, while my twin he had no trouble, I should have realised back then that my troubles were beginning, but that's me only.

How about inviting one or more friends over to your place to start off with, and maybe go for a walk to the park, the supermarket or just around the block, slowly this may detach your fears. Geoff.