How do I get a girlfriend

[Richardb3]

How can I get a girlfriend ? You would think you could just cruise through life and it would happen naturally, but I have realised that this is not the case. I am so depressed all the time now. How can I overcome this? 

[geoff]

Hello Richardb3, to be able to get a girlfriend is always thought to be an easy task, but in fact it's not quite, it's about starting to make a friend first and not all of a sudden expect that she will be your girlfriend, because the two of you have to enjoy the same activities in life, similar food, movies, books and liking each other as well as being able to support one another in good as well as bad times.

There could be girls who do want to be your girlfriend, but are too shy to approach you, but firstly how you are feeling needs to be addressed, and if you feel this way because you can't get someone, then it will eventually happen, but if you are depressed because of other issues, then you need seek help for this.

Can I suggest Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, web chat or online with trained counsellors who adjust to who they are talking with.

Remember that if your friends have girl/boyfriends doesn't automatically mean that you should follow suit, straight away, try and let it happen as a friendship becomes much more appealing.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Richardb3]

Thanks for your reponse tmas. One thing that I am very concerned about is my house (I still live at home.) It is very small and embarrassing and I think it will make finding a girlfriend a lot harder. I would love to move out but with rental prices and the fact that i am a full time university student it becomes very difficult. 

[ecomama]

Hey Richard! How are you doing today? 

You're most welcome. I really hope you get something out of what I wrote before. 

I was pretty stunned about what you said about 20yo men. More surprised to see you write about 20yo women having a better time lol, oh dear.

I didn't realise you were only 20yo! 
I have lots of kids, most adults now, some living at home, some not. 
My multiple birth sons are all 20yo. I can answer any questions about how they're doing if you want to know? 

Perhaps that's a thing you all have in common. Age. 

It's not that being 20 is a magical time, LIFE, every single day! IS a magical time. 

You're focussing on what you DON'T have constantly which is leading you further down the rabbit hole leading to depressive thoughts and more of that thinking and more down the rabbit hole to more circular thinking on and on... It's not helping. 

Concentrating on what you DO HAVE with GRATITUDE will help full your cup!
If you keep on doing this relentlessly, SELF-CARE, working on yourself, bringing yourself UP to be happier, having more FUN in your life, you'll be a happier person all round and people will want to spend time with you more and more, on and on UPWARDS.  

It's got nothing to do with the house you live in, what you look like, anything like that. 
It's probably alot more to do with the sadness emanating from your being. 

Happy people attract HAPPY PEOPLE. 
If you see happy people, hang out with THEM. 

It's time you set yourself a PICTURE of who you want to be. 
Because you're creating that person NOW. 

All we have is now and it's an AMAZING feeling to live a whole hearted life!

You've SO GOT THIS! Step it UP! 

Love EM

[Richardb3]

Hi ecomama, 

Yes please let me know how your 20 year old sons are doing. Are they living at home? Also does it surprise you that I think 20 year old women in general have a better life than 20 year old men? I think they pretty obviously have a significant advantage in the dating game 

[tmas]

Rental prices are ridiculous right now and I think you'll find that most uni students are in the same boat. If you are open with this fact I think most people will be understanding, and anyone worth your time won't be concerned with this. Is the fear that there won't be space or privacy should you invite someone over? Hopefully if you were honest with her, and didn't actively barre her from coming over for lunch or to meet people, you could negotiate maybe doing stays or overnights with her (if she's OK with that). 

I watch a lot of videos about the mental health of young men (Kidology has some interesting takes that are quite nuanced imo) in modern society and the dating market, and I worry that young men feel particularly alienated - it makes sense, and I fear that it creates a self loathing in a lot of young men that can quickly become a hurdle that seems insurmountable. On top of that, our online culture is quick to shut down young men who maybe voice feeling shunned by society, or use... "particular terminology/labels" (anyone versed in the internet probably knows) to express this feeling of self-hatred, insecurity, and alienation. I think the answer is a maturity which comes with time and experience, experiences can't occur if we keep our gaze pointed inward. Love and relationships (not limerence or sexual attraction) necessitate regression - it can be triggering, cause us doubt and teach us what we fear... but also show us what we value, remind us what we like about ourselves as we observe the things we love and respect in another person. Remember that you have human value, not sexual value - unfortunately, I've found that most women are scared off by men specifically wanting 'the girlfriend experience'. Besides, the best relationships begin as friendships.

[WHaze47]

Hi Richardb3!

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm a 19-year old and I understand how difficult it can be. Especially that we're at the stage of our lives where we're trying to figure everything out - how life works and who we genuinely are, and what path or paths we'd like to take. Society seems to emphasize that by 25 or at 30 we should have our lives figured out already through the means of having a life purpose, having stable job, owning your own car, home, or by being married. But that's far from the truth - everyone has their own timeline, everyone has their own journey; some make it to their 30s, 40s, 50s, and even 60s and that's okay. Getting a girlfriend will be tough . But maybe try joining clubs, and social events that interests you and maybe there you'll meet someone. After the encounter you can try and get to know her better and or befriend her to see how compatible you guys are. From witnessing family members and friends , relationships are complicated, since it is a bond or a union between two different people -(in terms of how they grew up, what they experienced....these things might be similar but not the same), there will be ups and downs and that's okay. I'm not saying this to dishearten you but Working on yourself, for yourself might help because we attract who we are. About depression, I'd like you to know that you are not alone and its great that you'd like to overcome this and do something about it. Identifying what's making you depress from what you are feeling is always a good start. Developing self-love, self- compassion, journaling, shifting your mindset and your internal monologue into a more compassionate and understanding one are some of the things that helped me through depression that might also help you. 

I hope this helps,

You got this! 🙂

WHaze47