Heard horrifying news about my Ex-Girlfriend who i care about and still had feelings for.

bennymate · ‎25-10-2017

My Ex and i have been broken up for a year and all that time i was following strict NC (No Contact, when you completely block them out of your life). I am 19 and she is 20. We finally spoke after she reached out to me and i allowed the phone call, the news and information i heard about her life threw me into shock and trauma. She had a boyfriend that beat her, she got seriously into hard drugs (such as heroin and cocaine) and can't get off them, adding to this she took up a job as a stripper. This was a lot for me to handle as i had been struggling the entire year trying to get over her and then to hear all of this terrible news really shook me. In addition, i have mild jealousy issues and mood disorders such as OCD so it makes the whole ideal worse, i can't stop ruminating about the horrible things that would have happened to her in the past year and i often think this will scar me forever. The emotions i feel are Guilt, sadness and jealousy.

We dated for 1.5 years, she was my first girlfriend, my first love and we had a very intense relationship so seeing her like this is very very disheartening and makes me extremely sad. I wish i could help her but i can't and i had to block her again and im just still in a state of shock. I alerted my parents about it just so they understand what im going through. Please help 😕

dragonflies · ‎09-11-2017

Hey bennymate,

Good to hear from you. E.man is right when he says her life is not your responsibility. Whatever she has done doesn't reflect on you or label you - only her. Feeling embarrassed isn't going to help you. Though I think you shouldn't need to feel embarrassed. What she does is her decision and people do whatever they want to do. Reputations are just warped, presumed ideas about a person. Eg I see a dressed up girl, I immediately think they think they're better than those who don't, care how others perceive them, want to be perfect, spend a ridiculous amount of time doing their makeup (waste of time everyday), are superficial etc, when they could actually be none of that - we can't help thinking what pops up in our minds. So best to let it go. I used to smoked pot a lot so was known by that. But I can't control what people think about me. Let them think all they want. What matters is what I think about myself. Think of how you'd think of others and their 'reputation', do you dwell on them at all or just go 'oh yeh' & move on.

I can tell you no one will think of you as the guy that dated her forever!!

Would it help you to start to feel less for her, because you too, aren't impressed by what she chose to do? Try not to overthink it, in time people will realise reputations mean f all. They're not real you don't walk around with a sign on your head, its just a silly idea that societys' created. Happiness and what makes you feels good is more important.

Unfortunately you can't control how others think. Let them think whatever they want to because they're going to whether we like it or not. They will move on trust me, something else will come in and take over. Keep focusing on whats important - you.

Take it day by day, each day you can move further forward in your life. You'll get over all this. In however long, something else will take over your mind and attention. No need to set expectations of yourself. Soon you'll just think of her as your first love. A lot of people will go through that. First heart breaks are the worse. But we learn and grow from them. Appreciate the experience.

Keep getting out there and meeting all sorts of people. Get involved in taking care of YOU and thinking about you. Try new things, make memories, have fun, do things you get enjoyment from and soon she'll just be a memory, like everything else that happened in the past. Don't get involved in her again. She's not good for you and there'll be someone out there who is.

bennymate · ‎10-11-2017

Hey dragonflies,

you always manage to find a way to cheer me up and reassure me, i can't thank you enough for all of this advice.

I am feeling a lot of anger recently, something switched inside of me and i changed my phone number so i never have to hear from her ever again, its honestly something i should have done a long time ago. She has caused me so much pain and i can't wait until she is just a thing of the past. The last 2-3 weeks have been so eye opening (even though it's been excruciatingly painful), i definitely have turned a new leaf. I wake up everyday and face the pain head on and live through it, i'm surviving and that is all that matters to me. Some days are good, some are horrible but i will never look back now, i can only look forwards, i think changing my number was a huge step. I wish i didn't waste all my love and care on someone just not worth it at all.

geoff · ‎10-11-2017

hi Bennymate, it's been a long slog for you, but perhaps your OCD is still keeping you there and that's what 'intrusive thoughts' are doing to you until you can learn on how to overcome these.
If you google 'intrusive thoughts' there is a huge section where many people have spoken about their thoughts and where there are ways to overcome them, this will then will be able to release you from where you are now.
I also have OCD and unfortunately had it for 58 years, but also had these thoughts when I was younger, but now know how to dismiss them. Geoff.

dragonflies · ‎11-11-2017

Hey bennymate,

It's very nice to hear that, thank you. I'm really glad you are finding what I've said helpful. I remember feeling like there was no one I could talk to when I was going through my own emotions after breakup. I'm happy you found this site.

Another step - changing phone number. You have begun working through it and progressing forward. Even from reading through our conversation here, it has been up and down, but overall you are moving further forward.
Its good you recognise you've turned a new leaf. You'll get there, especially because you want to as well.

Have you been back to gp? Or taking any medication?

I know how you feel when you say you wish you didn't waste all your love and care on someone not worth it. I thought the same. It made me feel frustrated, upset and stupid. But then again, we have to look back to the time when it was good. Would we have wished we didn't feel that love and care then? Because I doubt it... The shame is that it ended and that it ended on a bad note. It's the ending that makes us wish we hadn't wasted time and emotion on them. I don't know if this is making much sense. But whilst I was in my relationship I didn't feel like I was wasting any emotion - I was loving it. Afterwards it all felt like a waste because it just ended up making me feel sad and horrible. Probably because I didn't want it to end then. So... was it really a waste of love? Or just an experience of love and then being hurt badly after. Still not sure if I'm making much sense. Unfortunately the breakup and heartache changes our perception of the experience to seeing negatives and thinking it was all a waste.

Sometimes I think about how much more prepared I will be if the whole situation (falling in love and being heart broken) happened again. I think because it was our first time we had no idea what could come of it and it was just a shock to the system. We'll gain knowledge, experience and understanding. We'll grow and mature more. Maybe toughen up a little haha. I don't know...

Hope to hear from you soon.

dragonflies

Mcrates · ‎14-11-2017

Hello again Bennymate... I wonder if putting your journey or feelings down... into a poem or random statements on a page... At least it will help to validate that they are real. It's 12mths since my 10yr relationship ended (this Sunday)... I put a piece of butcher paper on the kitchen wall and started to scribe with a small stroke each day, horizontally for the 5th... repeat... I would do this first thing without fail. Eventually not until mid morning... The day that I forgot to mark, I knew I was gaining on this fox. 89days of chronic anxiety... Then it stopped. I stood back and looked at it... I had stuck photos of friend's and family randomly about it... Written quotes etc... I needed it written that I was so wounded I could hardly walk... This person hurt me... and yes I do have a Future with just me... Solo. I have learnt that if your pain is validated... Recognised as severe and even if no conclusion is in sight or even contemplated... It's OK for now... It's not self indulgence... It is what the Human needs to go thru... From there I worked on the next 3mths...putting some skills and plans into place... Bennymate... Changing your phone number is a strong move... It makes me think that you respect yourself... It's OK to feel the lost love stuff... Just keep making good decisions and putting things in place... That way you are looking after yourself whilst your feelings are valid and true... You've got your 'Own Back!' Wishing you well Bennymate

dragonflies · ‎17-11-2017

Hey bennymate,

Just checking in to see how you're going?

Hope you've been well.

bennymate · ‎05-12-2017

Mcrates.

Thank you for the reply, what you said was really insightful and puts my situation into perspective... 10 years?? wow.

I have started to write down my feelings and self journal, i sat down one night and just didn't stop typing and hit 3000 words, i was amazed at myself, i couldnt believe i had that much to vent about, and oddly after it all i felt a bit better, it is very therapeutic. its been a few weeks since i changed my number and now i'm starting to realise that this is it... i won't speak or see her again, it sorta hurts because of the person she turned into and there was nothing i could do, i kept telling myself that she isn't that sort of person.. but she actually is, and it's sad. I have also started to realise that all this pain and heartache.. as you said, its a normal human reaction, the pain is the brain moving on, it's the brain processing everything.

I wish you all the best.

bennymate · ‎05-12-2017

Hey dragonflies

good to hear from you and thanks for checking back in. Your latest reply was awesome and yet again made me feel better about things.

I have been doing much better, getting off drugs a month and a bit ago, i see my GP every 2-3 weeks and he is awesome. The meds have been life changing, i feel hopeful about life now. Even though i get some inconsistencies i am in a better place, my brain is starting to process things and time is starting to do its thing, i have accepted what i've heard about my ex and now my brain is just digesting it all, i see light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, i'm not over it all and i still have my days (so does everyone) but i just keep going, im seeing friends more and i even have plans to travel overseas next year. As for her.. I dont want her anymore, i'm starting to understand that the person she has become is definitely not what i want as a partner (i think many would agree).

Changing my number was the final thing i needed as closure, that's it, she is gone forever, she can't contact me and i hope i never see or hear from her again, the ball is in my court and i have no reason to reach out to her, she isn't the person i dated anymore, she is dead to me. It is something i should have done a long time ago, but i never did because of hope... damned hope. I kept my number thinking something "magical" would happen and she would come back, boy was i wrong... very wrong lol

i keep thinking that if i had changed my number a long time ago it wouldnt have allowed me to see the horrible person she had become but i have no idea if this was a good thing or bad thing? maybe i would have pined for her longer had i not found out.. because at the end of the day i figure i would have found out eventually. idk.

Anyway, thanks for checking up on me. All the best 🙂

bennymate · ‎06-12-2017

P.S

i missed out an important point - i think all the love and pining has simply but purely been replacing with strong hatred, i know feel so much anger for what she put me through and the person she has become, i wake up wanted to punch a wall out of anger after how she treated me. The fact that she broke my heart and goes off and does whatever she likes and think she can reach out to me and play games... it makes my blood boil.

Stephen_P · ‎21-01-2019

Hi Bennymate

Hope you are still around.

Same sort of thing happened with me, where she dumped news on me about being threatened and needing a restraining order on someone in the flat complex she lived in. She was my ex Fiencee (I emotioally broke down 3 months before wedding due to anxiety, bad job, and bad wedding planning) I was fire, she was Ice, but think we emotionally got connected.

After, she said "I'll only talk to you if you talk to me", and did some other stuff, said "Almost certainly not" to my queston about can we restart the relation. BUT then tried to reconect.. Unfortunatly that was at the most Anxious times or unexpected, so I stressed out and ran away every time (I was 43 in my FIRST relationship) so it happens to all ages.

I think given what you were saying that perhaps your girl left, but did not leave the emotional connection when you reconnected, she dumped everything that she was holding back?

I Still hurt - mostly because I failed to get back when given the chances, which is why I'm on this forum again. Today for example I am finalising moving and I'm not that confident a person, and I REALLY miss the support of talking to her, even 8 years down the track; "Hey N. I'm going to do be moving to XYZ today." "Thats GREAT Steve!" etc etc

And that's why I wonder if your girl was thinking the same. Mine said 'jokingly' during the relatonship I was a burden cause she had to carry me a fair bit. Maybe yours left cause she thought the new guy was stronger - she just didn't realise he was physical.

So she lost the emotional burden, but got physical abuse instead. So when the conncection was finally made back to you, she dumped the emotional. - which is just what you/me DIDN't need 😛

I really hope you find people who can be encouraging - not the ones that say "yeah yeah drown yer sorrows" but someone who can commiserate properly.

I hope you've got a good job.. I know recently connected with my schoolmates from year 12, 1985 and that's been a bonus. If you are churchy, definitely do some of that. Join a band even if it's only to jam.

I sung the Messiah in the choir this year at Town Hall in front of @ 3000+ people (You could sing in a community choir) it was really encouraging, and I now have more people to contact, and I have something to look forward to hext year which I am finding is very important.

HTH