Heard horrifying news about my Ex-Girlfriend who i care about and still had feelings for.

bennymate · ‎25-10-2017

My Ex and i have been broken up for a year and all that time i was following strict NC (No Contact, when you completely block them out of your life). I am 19 and she is 20. We finally spoke after she reached out to me and i allowed the phone call, the news and information i heard about her life threw me into shock and trauma. She had a boyfriend that beat her, she got seriously into hard drugs (such as heroin and cocaine) and can't get off them, adding to this she took up a job as a stripper. This was a lot for me to handle as i had been struggling the entire year trying to get over her and then to hear all of this terrible news really shook me. In addition, i have mild jealousy issues and mood disorders such as OCD so it makes the whole ideal worse, i can't stop ruminating about the horrible things that would have happened to her in the past year and i often think this will scar me forever. The emotions i feel are Guilt, sadness and jealousy.

We dated for 1.5 years, she was my first girlfriend, my first love and we had a very intense relationship so seeing her like this is very very disheartening and makes me extremely sad. I wish i could help her but i can't and i had to block her again and im just still in a state of shock. I alerted my parents about it just so they understand what im going through. Please help 😕

Mcrates · ‎02-11-2017

Hello bennymate... I am new to BB and have already found solace in the forum... I am 54 and my son is 32... I raised my son alone since he was 3... With your post about your first love... I think that she realizes that she has hit rock bottom... She knows that you were a steady element in her life before chaos entered. As she was able to just cast you adrift as she did... I think that she thinks you will possibly be her salvation... She views you in a good light but her personality sees you as a resource in her life not a whole vibrant person with feelings and needs... If you did rescue her and put YOU on hold whilst you did what is required to get her well again... I think that once she is OK, she would then turn around and knick off again... This NC is a hard task master but at least you are in control... She will drag you down with her... You are in your formative years of learning about the world and life and yourself... Treat this as a lesson... learn from it... Be strong and good to yourself... She is not your responsibility anymore... Kindest regards and this is just my opinion... from one who has lived longer and lived thru some knocks. 😊⭐good on you bennymate⭐

dragonflies · ‎03-11-2017

Hey bennymate,

Good to hear from you. Yeah it'll be up and down, that's how it was for me, it does suck. One day I'd think and feel completely different from the next. I'd just try to remind yourself that when you're feeling hopeless and down that your emotions about the situation can keep changing - whether it be worse or better. Its confusing I know. Overtime it will continue to settle and you'll be able to feel more content. What part of her makes you feel jealous? When I began to catch myself ruminating I would consciously try to change my train of thought - to something else, completely irrelevant. Is there anything you can think of that you could use to direct your thoughts elsewhere? Maybe you can begin to identify some main triggers...

I have been meaning to ask - how did your gp appointment go?

Something will change. Never know exactly when. Keep yourself open to change/people/talk and it might just happen when you least expect it.

bennymate · ‎03-11-2017

Mcrates

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply, its very much appreciated.

Your reply gave me some reassurance, it means a lot coming from someone with such a rich experience in life, my only fear is that ill never get over her and i'll ruminate forever, i take solace in my young age and think to myself i won't still be like this in 5-6 years.. surely?

Anyway, i hope over time my mindset changes and my life follows suit and i forget about her and move on to someone else that would truly care about me and love me. All the information i know... Its just so much for someone at my age to comprehend and digest, especially with our how over sensitive i am.

Thanks

B

bennymate · ‎03-11-2017

Hi dragonflies,

Good to hear from you again, it very much is up and down indeed - i think that what makes me jealous the most is the fact that some other guy replaced me for 4 months. It sucks to imagine her with someone else and that is all i think about. This leads me to overthink and picture things in my head and it is horrible. I have been trying to practice controlling my thoughts and pushing them away onto other ones, it's difficult but i am very slowly learning and getting the hang of it.

It is at its worst in the morning, and i just keep telling myself that i am in the present, lying in my bed, the thoughts aren't real and try to shift them. its just so terrifying how up and down i get about it, sometimes i feel like im going completely insane, other times im calm. The good thing is, time heals and surely my brain will process this information and then i can get stuck into trying to heal. We will see. Thanks for replying when you can, i'll keep you updated as time goes on, i can't stress how helpful and supportive you have been in this time!

B

dragonflies · ‎03-11-2017

Hey bennymate,

I would love to know how you're holding up overtime. Keep posting whenever you feel like it. I'm glad you posted on this site and that I can be here for you because I know how ridiculously hard it is and how much it hurts. Jealously is an intense feeling. I don't know if I mentioned before, but my ex had been and is still dating a girl that I know (a little older than me) who lives literally 300m away from my old house (thank god we moved 2 months ago). Every single time I left to go out I had to drive past her house. Nearly every time his car was parked out the front. It would trigger me into imagining scenarios of him and her and picturing them together - overthinking anything. It made me feel sick and felt like a punch in the face every single time it would happen. Though the more it happened (like the more you ruminate about her), the more I got used to my mind being sucked in and practicing to let it go, overtime I became quicker at it. I somewhat trained myself. It's definitely difficult, you're right. It may not be a complete fix, but it is helpful for sure. I'm glad you are working on it. You'll continue learning and getting the hand of it. And you're right - the thoughts aren't real and it is possible to shift them. You don't deserve to think horrible thoughts and in turn make yourself feel bad - it's not fair on you.

Keep getting out there and looking after yourself. Try to surround yourself with positive people and do things that make you happy. Stay busy. Keep telling yourself it will be ok. Because it will be ok. You can get through this.

dragonflies

bennymate · ‎08-11-2017

Hey dragonflies, me checking in again.

I think my situation has been made worse as i found out that most people that were in my year level etc know about her being a stripper, it is so embarrassing for me as ill forever be known as the guy that actually dated her. It hurts that i still have an emotional attachment to a girl like this and with this reputation... i have no idea what to do with myself with all the embarrassment and overthinking. I had no idea that some of my friends knew and i considered a bit of a nightmare situation if they ever found out.. little did i know that everyone already knew. I just wonder how i'll be in 5-6 years, i hope i'm over it all.

E_man · ‎08-11-2017

I had a most beautiful girlfriend who was gold all the through. She was about 19 & i was 10yrs older. She was a heroin user before we met due to an earlier trauma of some kind.

I

E_man · ‎08-11-2017

How do I edit last post?

Anyway..........she broke it off .I'm now more than 50 years old and I can still acknowledge my love for her . Yes a happy life together would have been nice but it didn't happen.

Her life is not your responsibility. I wish I could have done something for my love but there's a limit of what you can do.

Other people know about her problems. They know it's not my fault. I don't know why you think it reflects badly on you.

bennymate · ‎08-11-2017

How do i move on? Will i get over all this? its driving me nuts, i'm ashamed to have an emotional attachment to her. I hope i'm over it by the time im 50.. thats how crazy it all is.

E_man · ‎09-11-2017

@ dragonflies has worthwhile points.

Just a bit from me.

"You cannot push the river ". It takes as long as it does.

"The first cut is the deepest ". The first time hurts the most.

It's good you are talking to your parents.

No need to be ashamed of feeling but it is attachment which makes it difficult. Maybe see Buddhist ideas on it.

I might not be back this way much due to illness.