Financially struggling

[Chucky94]

I don't know how to start off this post so I'll try to give context, I used to have two jobs, the first one that still pays me well and have been working with for 12 years now, the other I left due to a manager that didn't treat their employers well and was passive aggressive so I left not wanting to be treated poorly.

It started last year when I was not in a good place and I would rather not go into the details, however things took a dark turn when my previous dog passed away from an aggressive cancer and since that day things have not been the same.

Nowadays I still have my first job but can only work for one day a week, I spent a lot of money this year, mainly for my new dog who is great but requires a lot of work including finances, some of the money was spent on collecting figures and lastly some of it was spent investing into a hobby that I hoped would get me back on my feet but so far I still have not received payment for this hobby and I don't know where to go, I'm still living with my parents who do many great things for me and I'll be 30 next year, I wish I could earn more again than spend, I wish I could have my own place to live but I know finding a place to live is extremely difficult due to the cost.

I still miss my previous dog and struggle with my new one who I think it better off with my parents since I find socialization draining as an introvert, I feel like when I take one step forward I end up taking three steps back and I feel like a failure.

Sometimes I wonder if we are meant to just give up our happiness just to survive rather than live the life we want to.

I'm sure I'm not alone on this and there are many people who struggle just as much as I am.

I'm scared of talking to my parents since they want to know what I spend my money on and I'm scared they want to control my spending.

I'm thinking I should sell my property and put the money in a safe place to save up for eventually living in my own home.

I just wanted to vent and look for answers and hopefully start to get better from here on.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear about the challenges you've been facing. It sounds like you've been through a lot, from dealing with a difficult work situation to the loss of your previous dog. It's understandable these experiences have had a significant impact on your life.

Considering your financial situation and living arrangements, it can be helpful to explore different options and make decisions that align with your goals and well-being. I can also understand that it would be hard to talk about your finances with your parents, but open and honest communication might alleviate some of the concerns and help you find support. And if you start with a little preamble about looking for help etc. and for your parents to be able to listen to you, and understand the why etc. can be helpful. There were also your age once also. Things are also difficult when it comes to housing and wanting own property. I also know of others around your age that live with their parents for the same reason.

Feeling like you're taking steps backward can be disheartening, but please remember that setbacks are a part of life, and they don't define your worth or future.

[Chucky94]

Thanks for your response smallwolf, One of the reasons I find it difficult to talk to my parents is because of an incident that happened last month, my dad was looking through my transactions and falsely accused someone who was helping with my hobby of scamming me despite no evidence of this and it caused me to almost throw up from the anxiety and feeling of privacy being invaded, my parents were telling me that the hobby I was investing in was not real, for context my parents didn't grow up with the internet so they don't fully understand how it works and eventually this caused me to snap and scream in rage from everything I had gone through for the past year, since than I have found it difficult to talk to my parents about stuff since they want to know what I spend my money on, as a result I removed my dad from accessing my bank transactions to avoid moments like that morning ever again.

Two of my goals were to write a graphic novel not just to tell a story about toxic positivity which I have struggled with my whole life and to be a streamer online since I feel that is where I thrive the most, I'm not completely against working with other people though, I forgot to mention that I have autism so I sometimes have trouble navigating social situations.

I'm hoping that over time I can start making more money by being a content creator and sell my book once I find a writer who can help me work on it.

[smallwolf]

when you dad spoke to you last month it sounded as though you felt judged?

I will be honest here ...  I am a 52 year old having worked in IT since the early 90s. I have struggled with the idea of influencers (as a "job"). But then there is also a cooking channel on YT that I watch instead of TV! I will also say to follow your dream. And the question is then ... what's stopping you from writing that graphic novel? 

And thank you for mentioning you have autism. A friend of mine has twins, one of which has autism and has similar issues to what you mentioned. Also, this person struggles if things are not right and not done right, and gets frustrated with self quite easily. Not sure if any of that applies to you. But I can see that if you are not allowed to show emotion in the household... this can negative effect on your mental health.

While I would not call it toxic positivity, I lived what I referred to as a happy household - ie not really allowed to show emotion that was not a smiley face. Or at least that is what I felt. It would have been nice to be allowed to show have emotion. To that extent it would have been nice of your dad was more understanding and listening to what you said.

My reply is a little over the place, but  ...

[Chucky94]

I would say I felt judged, when I make a purchase or I invest in something on my own free will, my parents seem to get hostile unless it’s something they have set up for me.

When it comes to toxic positivity my dad would tell me to “not worry so much” whenever I was anxious or worried about something so it became difficult to express my feelings and emotions, my mother tends to get worried about the stuff I spend my money on something I want and she has a habit of worrying about what needs to be cleaned and constantly reminding me of either stuff to do, if I had to be fair I would say she has some form of anxiety and feels a need to control what I spend my money on and what I do.

My parents have said they are just trying to protect me and to be fair maybe that’s what they believe, however I sometimes think they secretly don’t want me to be independent even though they say they are ok with that so I think I get mixed messages.

Whenever I mess up on something I tend to overthink and feel guilt and anxiety and given what I said just than about my purchases you can see why I have that anxiety.

Even as I wrote this post I’m scared how my parents would react if they found out, my parents have done amazing things for me over the years and I really do appreciate their hard work, I think I would just like them to understand that they can’t keep trying to protect me forever, as my mother keeps reminding me, they will be gone one day.

[smallwolf]

Yeah ... it sounds like it could be mixed messages. I also do not know how good/bad things are for you.

And as you said, they say they are trying to protect you and the way they express that could be improved? If you then feel as though you are doing something wrong, I can see how you might ruminate of that and what you are told. 

Also, from what you have said, you don't feel comfortable about speaking to your parents and tell them " to understand that they can’t keep trying to protect me forever". It must be frustrating when all you want is  a little independence and learn how to live yourself. If that is the case, perhaps you might be able to write down what you might say.

This space should be confidential. Each time I come to the site I have to login. You are also anonymous so they is no link between your handle here and real name. I hope this eases any feelings you have in this area.

[tranzcrybe]

Dogs have a way of feeling what we often struggle to express.
They become an essential crutch to lean on in times of strife and an unconditional compadre in all manner of experiences.
In its absence (or while re establishing this with a new pet), you could be left feeling anxious or alone and wondering who to trust.
Despite recent confrontations with parents, they will always keep your safety and long term interests as priority. Trust is something I would encourage you to place in your parents' wisdom and life experience for they can also be that crutch to lean on for support and guidance.
One simple truth is that we cannot expect to save what we have spent, and spending what we save interferes with our objectives.
I found budgeting helped to achieve a compromise so I could ensure some indulgence (to a set limit) which didn't disturb the trajectory toward a savings goal. I think your parents might assist more effectively if you also desire to meet your objectives with a little belt tightening.

Show them your own budget plan with an upward curve of financial fiscality as a sign that you can indeed take charge of your own future. I'm sure they would feel reassured and gladly take a step back from the overshadowing you presently feel.

[Chucky94]

I have an update, I expressed my thoughts to my parents today and my mother explained why she is nervous, she currently has a sister who recently had to move out of her home as she was unable to pay rent, there is a chance she could end up homeless soon, I think my mother is scared that I could suffer the fate as her if I’m not careful with how much I’m spending and we had a good discussion about how much she and my dad have to work and why they these things try and protect me because I want me to be able to survive and and live a good life and be able to afford health care and house bills in the future.

They have agreed to to help me step by step with with all the issues so we are making progress and hopefully I can get back in my feet by the end of the year or next year.

I plan to also be more careful with my spending for now on by focusing on my budget and I have an interview coming up on Monday so hopefully things will get better from here on.

I didn’t mention what was holding me back with writing a graphic novel in my post, what is currently holding me back is that I don’t have a writer or editor to help me write the story better but I was told by someone that there is a writers group coming up in August so maybe I can find someone who will help me write better and help with the script.

thanks for all your help guys.

[smallwolf]

Thank you for the update.

I want you to know that it takes courage to talk to our parents about difficult topics and not knowing how they might react. And from the sounds of it, it seems to have turned out ok for you. Perhaps it might even make the relationship between you and your parents stronger - that you were able to have this conversation, might make other ones in the future easier?  It's also OK that you did not mention the graphic novel part. 

Do you think that you will attend the writers group?

[Chucky94]

The writer group takes place this August and I’ll be bringing my story to see if the people there can help me improve on in and hopefully I can learn to write better stories as I continue to grow and I can learn to make better art as well as I am an artist.