Feeling very alone

Oliver22 · ‎02-08-2015

Hi, I'm 21 and have been with my partner for nearly 2 years. He has depression and lately I am unsure how to help him and myself deal with it.

When we first got to together it was all fine, we seemed to both be able to communicate and sort out any problems. But in the last 6 months, he blames me for everything and nothing say or do I right. When we fight he can be very nasty and completely unreasonable. I try getting him to talk to me but he doesn't want to open up to me and discuss how he really feels. I don't want to break up, but it is getting really hard on both of us. He doesn't seem to care anymore, and sometimes it feels (in my opinion) that he wants to be miserable and would prefer to push me away than find a solution or way to sort things out.

Lately I have been feeling down and withdrawn, and I am worried for myself. I have no motivation and it scares me! I don't feel i can talk about it with him, and I don't want to put any added pressure on him. I really love him, but don't know what is best for him, especially as I am not coping myself.

Any advice on what to do about him and how to look after myself would be helpful, I don't know what else to do! Thanks

white knight · ‎02-08-2015

Hi Oliver,

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

My only advice at this point is to seek counselling. He might very well be immature of suffering some form of illness. Counselling could lead to an answer.

You can contact "Relationships Australia" as your first point of call.

Tony WK

romantic_thi3f · ‎03-08-2015

Hi Oliver22,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.

I agree with WK that counselling can be a really good option. Sometimes it can even help to notice the little things, like how you guys communicate with each other or what happens when you fight; do you act defensive/withdraw/talk?

One thing that's worth trying too (if you haven't already) is talking to your partner. What does he think is going on? Does he feel like the relationship is maybe not so great as it used to be? Does he still want to work it out?

Communicate communicate communicate. It's such a cliche word but it is the only thing that can help. and once you know what's going on (in his mind) then you can start to work it out from there.

Hope this helps. 🙂

White_Rose · ‎03-08-2015

Dear Oliver

At this stage your health is the most important thing for you. It's not selfish. You are less able to help and support someone if you are suffering yourself.

Two ways to approach this. One, go and see your GP for chat about how you feel and explore those options. Two, go to counselling organisations such Relationships Australia, Lifeline, Anglicare etc and ask for some help. Well there is a third. Take yourself to a private psychologist but unless you have private insurance it can be expensive.

Perhaps if you do attend counselling you can give your partner this information and see how he feels, especially if you find the counselling helpful. Then perhaps encourage him to follow your example.

Let us know how you go.

Cheers

Mary

White_Rose · ‎09-08-2015

Hello Oliver

I am wondering how you are going. Can we offer you some support or information. Hope to hear from you.

Cheers

Mary

Oliver22 · ‎15-08-2015

Hi!

Thankyou all for your advise! I really appreciate it! However I still feel stuck. I suggested counselling, but he didn't even want to talk about it.

Its getting harder and harder to communicate with him and he seems less interested in my happiness. I'm not sure what to do.

white knight · ‎15-08-2015

Hi Oliver,

Love is great but there are limitations. Self preservation is one. We can love our partners but if it is a one way journey then our own sacrifices over time become fruitless and self destructive emotionally. In the medium term we end up sacrificing our own happiness. Those that keep devoting themselves to their partner all the while their partner is less and less respectful or affectionate end up the vulnerable ones resulting in much more hurt being absorbed.

In this case its you. Although we only have read one side of this story. If you feel it is becoming a one way relationship it might be time to resolve this situation even if it means separation. For you might well be just prolonging the inevitable.

Everyone is different. For me, I'd need to resolve it immediately, others over time. Make out a list of things you are not happy with and a list of things you are happy with. Compare the lists. The object is to become more and more clearer in your mind of what is important to you. And what is or is not sustainable to you is also the objective. Eg My first wife had a communication issue. She use silence as a very effective weapon. The smallest tiff and she'd shut down for up to 6 weeks...not one word would she say. It drove me nuts, I'd try everything, to asking for a chat, go to counselling, romantic dinners you name it. She knew it hurt me. The fact is, that our relationship was never going to work long term. It only lasted 11 years through my beliefs that marriage means forever and there were two kids involved. However In had to come to terms with my limits and endorse such limits into my life to protect myself. In my case there is no way I could continue living with a partner that kept silence for such long periods without having the desire to seek resolution as I did. There had to be some effort from her or my mind would get twisted with emotional torment. Am I making sense?

Seek your own boundaries. Get to know you own needs and limits. If your partner does not fulfil those limits then counselling is your only answer. If there are reasons like he has depression or is going through a bad patch then he has responsibility to express that. Failure to express and keep you notified is likely breaching your values.

All this is to simply enable you to make sense of your own needs and tolerances. If it doesn't all fit together and he does not make effort to help then you must be brave and take steps to move on. Take care.

Tony WK

White_Rose · ‎16-08-2015

Dear Oliver

I was about to write a similar reply to that provided by Tony WK. He has done such a great job that I can only endorse his comments.

Considering parting with your partner is a difficult process no matter what the outcome. It is painful for all involved and often leaves feelings of guilt about whether or not you could have done something different to save the relationship. I stayed with my husband for 30 years instead of three. The cause of our separation is different to yours but the principle is the same. One person should not be expected to carry all the load, especially if they are being blamed at the same time.

I am not advocating you leave your partner but I do want you to consider you own needs. Perhaps you can express your needs and point out the burden you are carrying. Also consider some counselling for yourself, if only to work out your next step.

I hope this helps.

Regards

Mary