feeling lost and overwhelmed

[sandy77]

Hi,

I'm unsre whether posting will help, if you've the time to read/listen that would mean so much! Sorry for the overkill of information.

I am 22 and an artist who has lost all meanful employment due to covid (for context). I've always been a fairly anxious and erratic personality, never really had any close freinds growing up and tended to use escapism to cope with the lonliness as a kid. Was taught from my father that mental instability was weakness and vulnerability was to be shunned. He would often yell and berate me for crying.

2018 I found my best friend, whom I owe so much too. We moved in together about a year ago, and it was great, but recently we've been having so many issues I'm scared im going to lose him. He's started raising his voice, and cutting me out. Calling me out for being mentally unwell but not wanting to help because he has his own problems to deal with. And all I want is to care for him and give him what he needs, which right now is space, the opposite of what I need. He's only just told me he's seeing a psycologist but doesnt trust me with sensitive informtion anymore as 'its none of my business' when I used to be the one he would turn to for everything. On top of this, another close friend has called me a burden for 'weighing them down' with my requests for help and companionship.

I have been having more panic attacks, more periods of hyper energised mania type episodes, crying more than I ever have and am struggling to sleep or feel rested when I do. This has been going on for roughly a year now but greatly intensified over covid as everyone lost their incomes and their futures. I am stuck working in hospitality as my artistic career simply doesnt exist anymore. I have no future that I am passionate about. How can I fix my apathy towards life right now? How can I fix my relationships with the people who mean the absolute world to me? How can I stop the fear the induces the panic attacks of having everyone walk out on me? How do I stop being so 'needy'?

I'm scared to admit I might need help to cope with it all, but have never learnt how to ask for it. I dont know if anything/anyone can actually help.

Apologies once again, thank you for reading xx

[pinwheel23]

Hey Sandy77,

Deeply sorry for the late response, I lost track of this thread ><

Even though they're kinda constantly being spoken about, meditation and breathing techniques don't work for everyone. And it's okay that they don't seem to be the right strategy for you.

I hope you're able to reach for the relaxing soundscapes during times that you know it'll be effective. How has your sleep been lately?

I'm sorry to hear that your panic attacks seem to only break if a different kind of stress/problem arises. I hope the past few days have been okay.

I think finding what works for us can unfortunately take time, and it can be frustrating and demotivating when nothing seems to work. As missep123 said, having little things that you know will help make you feel even a bit better is a place to start.

pinwheel23 🙂

[sandy77]

Thank you both for continuing to write to me, its very helpful. After an uncomfortable situation I generally go for a walk or try to get outside. Music is also good. I've been studying online the past couple months as a distraction that requires more attention and feels productive.

Since I last posted things got harder, but I managed to reach out to some friends who were very supportive. Their suggestions to address the situation between my housemate and I though require a big confrontation and I dont think I am capable/strong enough for that. I keep second guessing motives and outcomes and nothing seems realistic, especially without causing extreme pain. Equally though I dont want to stay stuck in a position where I feel worthless and invisible which is so strongly reinforced by the person closest to me.

[pinwheel23]

It's great to hear back from you sandy77

You shouldn't have to be in a situation where you feel worthless and invisible, but I understand the discomfort of confrontation.

Do you think it would be possible to have a supportive friend (may be a mutual friend?) be there when you do want to address the situation with your housemate? It might take some pressure off knowing that someone else in the room sees your side of things.

It might also be helpful to discuss with your supportive friends what your options are. May be by discussing the potential outcomes of confronting your roommate you'll be able to get an outside perspective? Or just feel more confident in talking to your housemate?

[missep123]

Hi sandy77,

It sounds like you are recognising and developing a self-care plan such as going for a walk or listening to music. I think that is very insightful!

I'm also really glad to hear that you reached out to some of your friends! It sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders and I'm really glad that you are reaching out for support as you need it.

How have things been for you today?

[sandy77]

Hey,

I am again confused and feeling helpless. I thought things were getting better and yet I'm at the crossroads of falling straight back into the same patterns that led me here and I dont know how to stop. I have spoken to my housemate and, as we are (were) such good friends I feel such an intense guilt for 'misunderstanding' his words and actions, even though I am still copping the (for lack of a better term) emotional abuse. (He says it was never about me, sure he admits some of his treatment of me wasn't kind, but at the end of the day its not my problem, he is the one struggling and he will not apologise as that validates my reactions which were wrong). The people I reached out to so badly want to demonise him but I think the root of the problem is me, and that leads me back to square one. I have moments where I feel powerful and that nothing matters, but then some small insignificant thing blows it all away. The feeling of dread sitting in the pit of my stomach knowing all I hvae before me is time and endrance. I hate it. I hate it so much and I dont know how to switch it off. Logically I could cut out the people who make me feel like that, or avoid certain situations, but I dont think that would help.

I am rambling again, im so sorry, I dont understand what triggers my panics as I was good for almost a week and i got hopeful, but im falling back down and i think its all my own doing. I hate feeling like this, and I know know one likes having me around when I start getting sarcastic and irritable bc no one understands I dont know how to reach out. My housemate told me this is the end of the road for him (not in a dramatic sense), he's been 'asking' for help this whole time and i apparently wasnt listening. he then used the example that perhaps I have also been asking for help too but he cant help with that as he has more important problems. Proves the point its unimportant, or not worth the time for consideration i suppose.

[Sophie_M]

Hi sandy77,

We're sorry to hear that you're feeling confused and helpless. We understand that you friend is very valuable to you and the turbulance you're experiencing in your relationship with him might be quite distressing. Please know that you are a valuable member of our forums and that we are here to listen.

If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online (Web chat) counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

We would also recommend getting in touch with an organisation called Headspace. Headspace is an organisation specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services including group programs which are a great opportunity to meet new people. They also have a group chat on their webpage.

Please feel free to keep reaching out here when you feel up to it.

 

[missep123]

Hi sandy77,

So sorry that you have been going through this. It sounds like a very turbulent time which can be very challenging. I agree with Sophie_m though, please reach out here on the forums and to the helplines which may help too. Please don't feel like you are ever alone because we really do care about you here on the forums.

How has today been for you? What do you think the next step in your friendship will be? Do you have any appointments booked with a mental health professional?

Here for you!

[sandy77]

Hi,

Things are still unsettling and overwhelming. I saw a doctor, and for abot a month there felt positive, like the air around me was thinner. I had been recommended a psychologist and her methods have me feeling so stupid but as she is the first therapist I have seen is all therapy like this? She asks me to prepare the sessions, I have all the answers aready. She didn't record or remember anything from my first session so there was no continuity between, still me repeating my problems and feeling dumber and dumber as she tells me I already know the answers, if I knew the solution I wouldnt be asking for help! I'm frustrated as it feels very condescending. Especially when she comments on how I sound/seem like an intelligent person who's self aware like only dumb people feel depressed. I am dreading the next session because im spending so much money on her to beat around the bush not giving me any helpful mechisms or tasks other than to 'not think about it', then finish the sessions early and immediatley book the next one!

[missep123]

Hi sandy77,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way! As there are so many different psychologists all with different personalities and styles it can be a process to find one you click with as it doesn't tend to be a one size fits all situation.

You mentioned no continuity between sessions and having to repeat yourself, someone has told me this also and found this to be a barrier from feeling comfortable with their psychologist. They told me that it can feel a bit 'erratic' at times.

Would you be open to trying another psychologist? May I ask how you found this one? Would it give you some comfort to perhaps search different psychologists' specialities, experience and bios? I know that this helps me when I find a professional.

Please keep me updated!