feeling lost and overwhelmed

[sandy77]

Hi,

I'm unsre whether posting will help, if you've the time to read/listen that would mean so much! Sorry for the overkill of information.

I am 22 and an artist who has lost all meanful employment due to covid (for context). I've always been a fairly anxious and erratic personality, never really had any close freinds growing up and tended to use escapism to cope with the lonliness as a kid. Was taught from my father that mental instability was weakness and vulnerability was to be shunned. He would often yell and berate me for crying.

2018 I found my best friend, whom I owe so much too. We moved in together about a year ago, and it was great, but recently we've been having so many issues I'm scared im going to lose him. He's started raising his voice, and cutting me out. Calling me out for being mentally unwell but not wanting to help because he has his own problems to deal with. And all I want is to care for him and give him what he needs, which right now is space, the opposite of what I need. He's only just told me he's seeing a psycologist but doesnt trust me with sensitive informtion anymore as 'its none of my business' when I used to be the one he would turn to for everything. On top of this, another close friend has called me a burden for 'weighing them down' with my requests for help and companionship.

I have been having more panic attacks, more periods of hyper energised mania type episodes, crying more than I ever have and am struggling to sleep or feel rested when I do. This has been going on for roughly a year now but greatly intensified over covid as everyone lost their incomes and their futures. I am stuck working in hospitality as my artistic career simply doesnt exist anymore. I have no future that I am passionate about. How can I fix my apathy towards life right now? How can I fix my relationships with the people who mean the absolute world to me? How can I stop the fear the induces the panic attacks of having everyone walk out on me? How do I stop being so 'needy'?

I'm scared to admit I might need help to cope with it all, but have never learnt how to ask for it. I dont know if anything/anyone can actually help.

Apologies once again, thank you for reading xx

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, sandy77

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our friendly community tonight, we know that it can be really tough to do, but you've shown a lot of strength in sharing your story. We're so sorry to hear what you've been going through, which must be especially tough to cope with during this difficult time. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you feel up to it, we'd recommend reaching out to our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. You can also call our dedicated support line, staffed by mental health professionals, which is available 24/7 on 1800 512 348. One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.
 
 

[missep123]

Hi sandy77,

First of all I'd like to say that you are not alone. When I read your post I really felt for you. This forum is very supportive and non-judgemental and I'm really glad that you reached out.

You mentioned that your father used to yell at you as 'mental instability is seen as a weakness or vulnerability'. That's really challenging because when we are young we internalise these external influences and ways of thinking. I think a lot of people, including myself, to some degree have internalised negative thoughts. I even realised this year that my thoughts to myself were actually unkind! Self-Compassion and kindness have really helped me. It's teaching me how to be kinder to myself and to be gentle rather than negative and 'harsh'. Think thoughts to myself as if I would to a friend, usually the case is that we would not be as harsh to them as we are to ourselves.

With regards to your friends I'm really sorry to hear that is happening. I feel as though the COVID situation has really emphasised and exacerbated anxieties and stressors. You mentioned that you might need help to cope, that's a super normal and human thing! We all need help and support sometimes. What we are feeling and thinking can be a messy jumble and speaking to a professional who is able to provide an outside perspective and 'unjumble' things for us can be very helpful. Have you thought about potentially seeing your GP? They can refer you to a psychologist through a mental health plan. How would you feel about this?

Please keep us updated, I'm here for you!

[sandy77]

Your kind words mean so much, thank you !

[missep123]

Of course! Anytime 🙂

[continuousventer]

Hello Sandy

I'm sorry about the impact of coronavirus on you. It's very difficult to accept feeling vulnerable when we are raised by parents who are critical of us. We can't be strong all the time, we will have sad times and need help at times.

I think this covid situation has made people more stressed than usual. Sounds like you are having problems and just want to talk to someone like a trusted friend to talk. That is completely okay. Maybe your friend is struggling with something at the moment, but I got to admit it's not a nice feeling to no longer be someone that people turn to for help. I don't think you deserve your friend telling you that you weigh them down. Sure, helping people might be exhausting but it's not your fault you have problems. I understand myself too, because I am a complicated batch of problems. I see a psychologist, and you should consider it too. Some people just don't understand and you can feel lost when you have no one.

I remember when my friend confided in me about her panic attacks. I tried my best to support her, but I just didn't understand them. 😞 But I would never walk out on her.

I don't think you are needy, you just need help:) But feeling needy is a yucky feeling, I know

I think give your friends some space at the moment - maybe try to find other people to talk to. I think this covid situation won't last forever - you'll get a chance at your artistic career again

[sandy77]

Greatly appreciated words, especially regading unpleasant felings of neediness. Its scary to become reliant on others for help as trust can so easily be broken which is a huge step back. I've been debating going to the GP for many many months now but dont beleive I can trust them. When I went to a GP in 2017 about my mental health they threw my blackdog results questionaire they asked me the fill out in the bin without looking at the severe scoring.

In other updates, my aforementioned friend, who is my sole housemate, has become meaner and more abusive. Outright lying to my face, yelling, slamming doors, pretending i am invisible and ignoring my attempts at coversation, blocking my texts. I am so worried he is drowing in himself but he is actively hurting me so much in retaliation of my actions I feel incredibly isolated. Whilst, at the same time, he is acting overly friendly and kind to other (mutual) friends he used to speak so nastily about. Makes no sense!

[pinwheel23]

Hi Sandy77,

I'm sorry to hear about what's been happening. Especially that your GP seems to have been so dismissive of your needs. It might be worth a try to see a different GP who may be more accepting of supporting mental health?

It's nice of you to be concerned about your friend drawing in to himself, despite how he is treating you. The covid situation is impacting everyone in different ways but you don't deserve to be treated this way. His behaviour is quite confusing (considering it feels as though you're the only one he's shutting out) and must be really upsetting for you. I think friendships are a two-way street, and at the moment your friend has taken a wrong turn. Hopefully he finds his way back and reverses this mean behaviour.

Asking for help can be so hard, even more so when you've grown up being told that it is not okay to be vulnerable. Even though it might feel that way, I don't think you're being "needy" - you're in a really tough situation and needing different support when the people you would otherwise reach out to aren't available is okay. You've done a great job reaching out on this forum and staying in conversation.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have any strategies or I guess relaxation techniques that have helped you before with your panic attacks or with your difficulty sleeping?

We're here for you 🙂 Please keep us updated on how things are going

Take care,
Pinwheel23

[sandy77]

Hi pinwheel23,

In regards to relaxation techniques for sleep I have tried meditation poorly, but generally try listeing to 'relaxing' sounscapes. If I've a quiet house its usually pretty effective, but in times when things are different e.g. my housemate has a friend over past midnight or even if he hasnt come home yet, I can't seem to relax until things are back to the way they usually are.

Breaking the panic attack cycle is something I have not yet figured out. I have read up and tried multiple breathing techniques etc but its all very ineffective. The only thing that seems to snap me out is a greater pain, which is not the healthiest mechanism to employ.

[missep123]

Hi sandy77,

Thank you for updating us. I'm sorry to hear about your roommate though! How have you been since you last posted?

I'm also sorry to hear that your GP was so dismissive about your mental health! Would it be a possibility to perhaps go to another GP?

May I ask, do you have a self-care routine? Little things you can do to help you de-stress or make you feel a little bit better? I like to do things like listen to music, watch Netflix after an uncomfortable experience like a fight occurs.

Here for you!