Feeling ashamed to be a White Male

[KFPDW]

I'm a male myself and I have NEVER EVER been sexist or disrespectful or racist to anyone ever. Not now, not EVER!!!! But I feel like what ever I come across in media, it feels like all I hear is "White Males Are Bad". When I watch shows like Charmed and I come across certain scenes where Males are regarded as bad people, it makes me feel uncomfortable. You got shows like the Neighbourhood sitcom that I came across where they cover racism where a black guy gets put in a jail cell for being black which is so NOT fair whatsoever. And the main lead says the police system is working the right way for white guys but not black people or any other culture. And white people will never understand whatsoever the pain other people go through. And they whole policeman beating up a black guy which leads to the black lives matter movement. 😞 I feel like I'm ashamed of all these bad things happening even though I have done NOTHING to do with anything of that bad stuff. But because of the long history I hear of white males doing bad stuff, I feel like I have to be responsible for that or feel as though it's my fault. It may sound silly but I feel like all I hear is White Males are bad and cause problems.

I feel like if I see someone in pain or needs help, I want to be able to help or show support no matter what their colour or background is. We are all still human beings after all and all this dumb bad stuff like racism and sexism shouldn't be around any more. Nor should it have existed in the first place. I hate the fact that bad stuff like this still happens and I feel helpless to see it pop up in media or fiction. I felt ashamed to be a white male so many times and my friend says I shouldn't, all that stuff isn't my fault and I shouldn't take on the responsibility of other people's actions that I don't even know. Focus on my own actions and what I can change. But because all that stuff happens, I feel like I get stuffed into a category where I'm a white male and are automatically the enemy. And no matter how hard I try to help and try to show that not all white males are bad, I feel like I can't make a positive difference. Like I'm powerless to make a positive change so people can see not all white males are bad people, or even white people in general. I want to be able to try and understand what others are going through as well as try to stop bad things from happening.

[Guest_1643]

Hello....welcome.Judged by who?

If u read a post that someone had a bad experience with a sexist white man, they don't mean you, or all men, and are just venting their story. I advise just to listen to them.

[Hanna3]

Hi FKPDW,

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine just recently about this exact topic! As a woman I feel that guys are getting a tough rap lately when most of them are great. Unfortunately the bad ones (and sadly there are a lot of them) have let the rest of you down.

I've had abuse and unwanted advances from men - especially in the workplace - for much of my life. I don't know what it's like to be able to walk safely at night.

But most guys are great and go out of their way to help women.

We women know this! I sometimes feel that all men are being hammered. I think it's just that to get heard and get change for women, women are forced to speak out very loudly and strongly, we have been ignored or dismissed for so long.

It's definitely not personal!

Don't worry we know most guys are good! But women struggle to get heard.

Cheers 🙂

[Sophie_M]

Dear KFPDW, 

We can hear (or read) how much this is getting to you. Correct us if we're wrong, but it sounds like you are feeling quite ashamed of being a white male, even though you haven't actually done anything wrong (i.e., been racist or sexist) to anyone. It also sounds like you're also feeling quite pressured to prove that not all white men are bad.  It must be really tiring to feel as though you constantly need to prove your innocence for something that is somewhat out of your control, like your sex and skin colour. 

We're really glad that you've posted here and hope that you feel even slightly better for expressing your feelings. 

We are not sure if you're engaged in therapy, but if not, we do encourage you to engage with a psychologist to speak about these feelings, especially if these thoughts/beliefs are affecting your mental health. Also, please do not hesitate to contact our support service to speak with one of our counsellors. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. They can also refer you to appropriate services in your area.  

Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. We're sure some other readers will be able to relate to this topic. Also, please do continue to post on here as you see fit. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Ok, well I tend to agree with you as I'm a white male myself 6th generation Aussie and not happy with how our indigenous people have been treated. In fact I've often thought I'd be more proud if I was an aborigine.

However there is a couple of things about these feelings that I'd like to talk further on. Like a lot of topics that, when taken too far, it can begin to alter our mindset ... sort of a level of paranoia. Please dont take it the wrong way because I have suffered from this state many years ago and still do to a lesser extent.

To get things into proper perspective we should imo-

• Not blame ourselves for the actions of our forefathers. That was then and things were very different. We are not to blame for that. Here and now is what matters. One should never blame yourself for actions of others as it is out of your control
• You can do good deeds right now so I disagree with you there. Treating those of colour the same as white folk is one example and you do that. Same with disabled people etc. Your friends and one day children will admire you for your approach. One person good attitude can spread.

I was in Kathrine 6 years ago. I met an indigenous local waiting for a lift. We chatted and he told me his mob owns the dirt I stood on. All I did was say "respect to your elders". His eyes lit up and he thanked me . "You not like the others" he said. 4 words changed his view of me. So we can make a difference. However, if we dwell on these world problems we can do ourselves harm. These problems are like a large machine, it takes time for change, it cannot be rushed.

What I would recommend apart from not expecting change to move so quickly is to disassociate with those people that are intolerant of anyone that has a different skin colour or intolerate of people that are "different" in their eyes. We know they are not different, we know they are the same, in fact in the case of indigenous peoples they have a vast and incredible history.

So my message is to continue to be outraged but within boundaries that is manageable and involve yourself in that area for personal interest or profession but ignore the people that are destructive with their views. I'm not religious but a phrase comes to mind "Forgive them for they dont know what they do".

TonyWK

[KFPDW]

Hi thank you for your kind words and I'm so sorry to read that you have experienced abuse and unwanted advances in the workplace. That is not right whatsoever and you should feel safe to go where you need to at night. I hope you are able to get some support or some kind of help.

What you have written down helps to read, it does feel like all guys get hammered a lot because the bad ones have messed up like you said. I more than support the fact that women need to be heard and treated fairly. It's good to know that people do know that not all white guys are bad.

Thank you so much for your reply, I feel better after reading it. 🙂

[KFPDW]

H thanks for your message and yes I do therapy regularly each week and writing about my feelings has helped. I actually felt lighter getting it off my chest. It is tiring to feel the way I have been, like my mind feels so worn out and exhausted when thoughts like what I have been experiencing go around in my head. Talking about it helps and I'm determined to sort out my mental health as much as I can. Thank you for your supportive post. 🙂

[Hanna3]

You're welcome KFPDW!

I was talking about this with a guy friend quite recently. This is about power more than gender I think: until recently men were in positions of power and women were in subordinate roles. Now more women are highly educated, able to participate in more sports etc and hold more senior positions at work, so only now are we are in a position to speak out.

The problem of domestic violence is an ongoing problem though.

Believe me there have been plenty of times in my life I've been incredibly thankful for the help and kindness of decent men, especially when they came to my help when I was being threatened by a man (when out walking or cycling alone I was attacked a couple of times and rescued by kind men who came to help me).

So it's not women hating or blaming all men. We're very thankful for decent guys like you!

Cheers!

🙂

[KFPDW]

Hi Tony,

I think I have come across you before, I remember seeing that profile picture before. Thank you for what you have written, it really helps. That's really cool what happened in Kathrine. The fact the smallest change can have a positive effect is amazing. I will definitely be taking what you have said as well as what everyone else has said on board. Also, I'm with you as I too would be more proud if I was an Aborigine too.

I certainly feel better after reading your response so thank you.

[KFPDW]

Glad to hear you've had some help from decent guys in the past. I'm glad things are changing and women are getting their voice heard and better positions in the workforce. My mum is a strong influence in my life. She's one of the strongest people I know. After 16 years of being a full time Mum, she has worked her way up to achieving post graduate degree level of learning.

Glad to know not all men are hated and there are good guys out there. Thank you again for your post. 🙂