extreme pre-exam stress

[C74]

Growing up, I was never one of those diligent kids; you know the type. Those that go around holding massive organised binders with highlighted notes and study timetables... I would show up to class, occasionally listen, and binge study the night before; strangely, I managed to get by until year 11, when my grades began dropping quite extremely.

This year, I am in year 12, the final grade of school. Afterwards, it's university where my life can truly begin, and I can mostly be independent and free. But before then, there's this hurdle I must cross; the HSC.

The moment 2019 began, something clicked and I felt this resolve; I must study hard, I must work to get the best results I possibly can. Surely that's great, ambition is key to success and all that, right? Nope.

I've heard stories of people who've gone overboard, and I've always pushed that aside. People told me that you should always put your health and wellbeing above studying and they're definitely right, as I've learnt much too late. Now I've fallen into a deep dark hole that I can't get out of.

The start of the year was great; I made sure I slept at 10:30pm, I kept a diary, I made sure most of my homework was done and studied hard over the monthlong summer holidays. Alas, it wasn't enough. <- Result of me being too lax throughout year 11

Now I'm in the middle of my assessment block, which'll go on until end of next week. We get ranks in these. As a result, I'm finding myself studying until 3-4am, I'm studying on the train, I'm skipping meals to study, I don't take breaks... Incredibly unhealthy. I've been suffering from low blood sugar levels, and now I've fainted twice in public from fatigue, and fell onto hard concrete both times so I've currently sustained injuries on my arms, legs and fingers (making it difficult to write fast). Not long ago, something happened (not going to go into much detail, it's not too relevant) which wasted an hour of my time. I had a completely mental breakdown, and refused to eat dinner, sobbing and panicking in the fear that people may have 'caught up' to me in that one hour. I have a stomach ulcer as a result of skipping meals, and the pain worsens when I'm hungry. Yet despite starving from skipping meals, I felt as if I had to catch up due to that lost hour. Just that one mere hour.

I have gone from overly lax to excessively stressed. I can't help it, and I don't know what to do. If anyone could leave advice, I would so grateful. I just can't go on like this.

C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you as you head into the home stretch. Hope you are well and coping as best you can.

Kind thoughts to you

[C74]

Hello moomamoo,


Thank you so much for your reply!


First off, I’M SO SORRY THAT THIS REPLY IS A MONTH LATE!!! Regardless, I hope you survived the prelims and came out of it knowing what study methods work best for you, so that you can have a nice and efficient HSC year 🙂


Secondly, I would say not to worry too much about not being eligible to sit HSC just for ‘failing’ a subject - in the end, it’s really the rankings that count, and keep in mind that your school is still top in the state so your tests will be much harder! Also, no matter how ‘badly’ you think you’re doing in a subject, it is never impossible to improve and excel at it.


Like, this one time, I literally got 30% in one of my year 12 exams. My friend was next to me crying over her 68% while I was clutching my 30% like “oh no i came last, i definitely came last”. But surprise, surprise, I didn’t come last. I didn’t even come in the bottom 10, which is woahhhhh tbh considering my school is literally ranked almost at the top. Anyways, getting a low mark actually motivated me to do better, and I ended up changing my study habits for that subject, and ended up getting an 88% in the next task, which I never thought would be possible!

[C74]

Hi Summer Rose,


Thank you for checking in on me! I haven’t been on BeyondBlue in a while, mainly because I was sick for two weeks after my last post, and then right when I began to feel better, I was busy with graduation, tutoring, HSC study, etc.


But so far, all is well. My mum is beginning to understand my pain a lot more, and is more supportive than ever. The fact that there’s only a bit over a month of suffering left before freedom is really what’s motivating me more than ever. Hopefully I can pull through this last stretch!


Thank you for your support,
C74 🙂

[blueonion]

Hi C74,

I just read through those whole 2 pages and wow. I am beyond amazed at your dedication to your workload and the situation between your parents sounds really rough. As someone whose parents don't put pressure on me, I can assure you that I still have so much anxiety and panic attacks around my projected atar (needed for law). The way you have approached Y12 is really motivating and I wish you all the best for the next 3 weeks of exams. You mentioned you do a lot of extra tutoring work, do you find tutoring helpful for Y12?

In regards to medicine, have you considered ANU? The projected atar is lower than UNSW/USYD and there is the opportunity to stay at a dorm, rather than your parents.

I hope your HSC exams go well and you achieve your goals,

Blue.

[C74]

Hi Blue,

I have actually taken a look at ANU’s course, but it does seem like getting into medicine there requires you to take another course first, so it’s more of a pathway. So far, I’m really hoping to get into medicine directly after high school - I’ve applied to every single state, so there is quite a chance that I might be able to move out 🙂 I’ve already received my first interview offer for medicine which is quite exciting.

And in regards to tutoring, I think the 15+ hours I was doing at one point was really overdoing it - there’s this one section of the chemistry course that I ended up learning 4-5 times due to the number of different classes I’d signed up for simply for one subject and it was frustrating because I already understood every aspect of it after learning it twice, so the latter 3 times, I was just forced to listen to it all over again, thinking about how I could be spending that time more productively. Once I realised how ridiculous it was, I persuaded my parents to let me drop a few tutors. Even then, I was doing around 12 hours, and the workload was so intense that I’d completely given up on doing the homework for one of my tutors, so going to that tutor ended up being a waste of time.

After term 3 ended, all the group tutors ended too, so it left only the private tutors, bringing me down to 4 hours a week, which I honestly feel is enough for me. The main issue with tutoring is that if they’re teaching at the same rate as your school, it’s a bit annoying because sometimes they’re reteaching content that you’re already confident in through learning it at school, and sometimes in group tutors, other students are more behind than you, so you just have to sit through tedious explanations of concepts you’ve grasped ages ago. I reckon for year 12, the wisest choice would’ve been to sign up for tutors that run for 10 days during the holidays and teach you a whole syllabus during those holidays, before the school can, (I found that pre-learning a syllabus DURING the school term meant that I didn’t have time to complete the homework a lot of the time) or get a private tutor who can structure and personalise your lessons to your needs.

Anyways, thanks for your message 🙂
C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

Congratulations! So happy that you have received your first offer.

It was a tough year but you have done it. Very proud of you!!!

Kind thoughts to you

[C74]

Hi Summer Rose,

Well high school's officially over - I didn't make it into medicine but I'm planning on transferring, and for now I'm doing a pretty decent course so I'll probably get by. My parents were disappointed and annoyed, but that isn't my biggest problem right now (they're slowly mentioning it less).

Anyways, I've decided to make the most of my uni days so I decided to start by trying to make some friends online first. It was fun at first, talking to a bunch of new people online with my friend and I'd say I got along with many of them really well. I'm usually a shy person, so I was really pleasantly surprised to see how well I could truly get along with everyone if I got out of my shell. It was going really great and everything, and I was really looking forward to maybe meeting these people irl but then my friend brought up a topic, a fun topic that everyone was interested in except me (for fear of being recognised on this forum, I won't say what the topic was, but henceforth I'll refer to it as 'Topic A').

I've had barely any experience with Topic A, and my friend knows how uncomfortable it makes me when everyone starts ranting about it, however it's something my friend likes, and a favourite hobby of seemingly literally everyone I had spoken to online. Suddenly, everyone started ranting about that topic which left me feeling extremely awkward and I didn't know what to say, so I just stayed silent for a while, feeling like I'd just kind of been shoved aside (of course, I don't believe anyone intentionally wanted to do that). Of course, everyone was having fun talking about Topic A + I have no right to selfishly request to change the conversation topic just to suit my own interests, so instead I just kind of sat back and watched everyone else talk, including my friend, who seemed as if she'd completely thrown me aside. Of course it's great that everyone found some sort of common ground, but it just left me a bit scared that this is going to happen when I actually go to uni in person - that everyone will find common ground in that particular topic, and I'll be shunned aside.

And what hurt more than anything is that this whole situation was just too familiar to me.

Throughout primary school, I felt left out quite a lot. I had a best friend, but one day, she found someone who had the same book series interest as her, and suddenly that someone joined me and my best friend during lunchtimes, and the book series was all they wanted to talk about.

[C74]

I had nothing more to do than to just sit there and listen, despite the fact that I had no clue what they were even on about. I tried to force myself to read the series just so I could join their conversation, but I simply wasn’t interested at all. It was a really tough time for me, and I remember crying myself to sleep, wishing more than anything that I knew everything about every topic in the world, just so I could get along with everyone.

In high school, I had a rough time in my first year. I sat alone during all my classes, and sat with a different group of friends almost every week, occasionally alone, because everyone was making friendship groups with people in their classes, and I couldn’t merge with any groups.

In year eight, I finally found someone I got along really well with, and for once, I had someone to sit with in class. I finally felt understood, finally felt included. Problem? That person already had a best friend, who was intent on getting rid of me, because she didn’t want a third member to her friendship circle.

Later in year 9, I made a friend in one of my classes, but noticed someone else who was sitting alone. As someone who spent much of her first year of high school alone, I realised how they must feel, so I invited that person to sit with me and that friend. However that friend and that person started talking about Topic A and I was the third wheel once again.

This same scenario occurred over and over during high school, but with various different people. I eventually got sick of it, and tried to force myself to get interested in Topic A. Perhaps that would provide me more common ground with other people, therefore making it easier to make friends. I did end up finding some aspects of Topic A intriguing, and thought that finally, I could talk to people about Topic A and find common ground.

[C74]

But the uni people I was chatting to seemed to find other aspects of Topic A interesting, rather than the aspects i found interesting. And the infuriating thing was, literally no one liked the same aspects as me. So instinctively, I asked them for recommendations of what areas of Topic A I should look into. Of course, I got suggestions but they weren’t things I’m typically interested in, and it just reminded me of every other time I’d try integrating by forcing myself into being interested in things I’m not. I tried integrating myself into the conversation of Topic A a bit, with the limited knowledge I have of that topic, but I got basically ignored and probably came of as kind of silly.

This is probably a selfish dream of mine - but I just wish I could be myself and have people who’ll accept me and understand that I’m uncomfortable when everyone starts ranting about a topic that I know hardly anything about, and avoid such topics when I’m around so that I can feel included. I know it’s selfish - I can’t expect everyone to cater the conversation topic to me. But it’s a guilty dream. I know people are capable of changing the conversation topic for a group of people when one person is uncomfortable - I always do that for other people - but the favour never seems to get returned.

And I know an easy solution would perhaps be to just find other friends - there’s bound to be other people similar to me, who aren’t interested in Topic A. But the thing is, I really genuinely enjoyed talking to those people online before Topic A was brought up, and it’s just so awful to think that there could be complications in my relationships with them simply because I’m lacking one tiny interest which I so easily force myself to learn more about. This could so easily happen with anyone - how am I to know who’s into Topic A and who isn’t? I can’t possibly ask everyone “do you like Topic A” and avoid making friends with people who are.

I may not be into Topic A, but I’m into so many other things - I love gardening, I love music, I love chess, I love poetry. Why is it that no matter how many interests I have, everyone always seems to go back to Topic A? And what should I do? I’m so lost.

Thank you for reading through this humungous essay rant,
C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

Congratulations on finishing high school and gaining access to a good course. I'm very proud of you.

I'm sorry that medicine didn't work out at this stage but the opportunity to transfer in is there and that's a good thing. Who knows, you may even change your mind yet about what you want to do in life. Keep an open mind and enjoy this opportunity that you have earned.

If I'm understanding correctly your current issue is about making friends within the online group and the impact of Topic A. Your fear is "that everyone will find common ground in that particular topic, and I'll be shunned aside."

I don't have any idea what topic A is but I do know it's not for you and that's okay.

You have options. You can continue talking with this new group and accept that Topic A will come up. Just be polite and ride it out. You can also introduce new topics and see if there is a new area of common ground to be found. You can also look for opportunities to change the subject. You can also discontinue the contact. I guess it depends on how important avoiding topic A is to you.

Remember that you don't really know these people and there may be others, like you, who aren't so enthused about Topic A, they too may be just trying to fit in. You kind of have to stick with and meet to find out.

Once you get to university there will be many clubs to join where you can meet like-minded people and make friends. For example, I am certain there will be a chess club. This group aren't the be all and end all.

I have different groups of friends and I enjoy different activities with them in-line with our common interest. I have friends from the gym and we talk fitness. A group of other mums that met when our children were in primary school 20 years ago and we talk life and family. Many groups of old and current work colleages and we talk about our professional interests. Neighbours and we talk about our local community.

All of these groups have a "topic A" of one type or another. Nothing is ever perfect. But in each of these groups there is more to connect us than there is to divide us.

Right now what connects your group is the excitement of starting something new together. Everyone is seeking someone, so they feel less alone on the first day. But it might all change as each of you begin uni and begin to branch out and make other connections.

University is not like high school. You can leave the cliques behind and just be you. This is a fresh start.

Kind thoughts to you