extreme pre-exam stress

[C74]

Growing up, I was never one of those diligent kids; you know the type. Those that go around holding massive organised binders with highlighted notes and study timetables... I would show up to class, occasionally listen, and binge study the night before; strangely, I managed to get by until year 11, when my grades began dropping quite extremely.

This year, I am in year 12, the final grade of school. Afterwards, it's university where my life can truly begin, and I can mostly be independent and free. But before then, there's this hurdle I must cross; the HSC.

The moment 2019 began, something clicked and I felt this resolve; I must study hard, I must work to get the best results I possibly can. Surely that's great, ambition is key to success and all that, right? Nope.

I've heard stories of people who've gone overboard, and I've always pushed that aside. People told me that you should always put your health and wellbeing above studying and they're definitely right, as I've learnt much too late. Now I've fallen into a deep dark hole that I can't get out of.

The start of the year was great; I made sure I slept at 10:30pm, I kept a diary, I made sure most of my homework was done and studied hard over the monthlong summer holidays. Alas, it wasn't enough. <- Result of me being too lax throughout year 11

Now I'm in the middle of my assessment block, which'll go on until end of next week. We get ranks in these. As a result, I'm finding myself studying until 3-4am, I'm studying on the train, I'm skipping meals to study, I don't take breaks... Incredibly unhealthy. I've been suffering from low blood sugar levels, and now I've fainted twice in public from fatigue, and fell onto hard concrete both times so I've currently sustained injuries on my arms, legs and fingers (making it difficult to write fast). Not long ago, something happened (not going to go into much detail, it's not too relevant) which wasted an hour of my time. I had a completely mental breakdown, and refused to eat dinner, sobbing and panicking in the fear that people may have 'caught up' to me in that one hour. I have a stomach ulcer as a result of skipping meals, and the pain worsens when I'm hungry. Yet despite starving from skipping meals, I felt as if I had to catch up due to that lost hour. Just that one mere hour.

I have gone from overly lax to excessively stressed. I can't help it, and I don't know what to do. If anyone could leave advice, I would so grateful. I just can't go on like this.

C74

[C74]

Hi Summer Rose,


Thank you for your super kind reply.


Honestly, it would probably be best to take some proper action on what I’m going through, but I don’t want to cause any more trouble in the household. I’m afraid that by taking action, my dad will become infuriated and do worse things.


Truthfully, I’m terrified. Everyday I dread coming home, knowing what kind of life awaits me at home. I feel like so weak for not being able to cope with my dad’s abuse…


Dad keeps yelling at mum, saying she doesn’t raise me properly, never watches over me, and as a result I have become a failure. Frankly, I am disgusted by his words and actions towards her. She works full-time and yet does all the chores at home; my dad never lifts a single finger. She pays the bills, he (extremely reluctantly) pays my tuition, constantly telling me that I’m a waste of money, and that he thinks I have no hope and should just quit my tutors. He earns more than she does.


My mum’s not doing well… she has a strained shoulder, and it’s only been getting worse, because she has to keep doing all those chores, only for my dad to yell at her for any little mistake she makes. Like, if she accidentally hung his shirt in a different place than usual, or if she forgot to make one of the beds.


Earlier, he’d been yelling at me once more - it was particularly bad. I’m constantly crying at night in secret due to all the stress building up about exams, and he makes it worse by telling me I’m hopeless. I then left the room, and he continued by yelling at her - and she stood up for me. He kept yelling at her, I was so scared that he’d physically hurt her, but then he left to watch his soccer.

[C74]

My mum saw me crying in the living room, and despite the fact that she got yelled at too, she came over to comfort me, handing me a tissue and telling me that everything will be okay and that I should just ignore him and focus on myself. I love my mum so much, I hate that she has to put up with this. She deserves the world and more, and it’s all my fault that she has to put up with all this abuse. I absolutely despise myself. I know you said earlier that none of this is my fault, but no matter what I tell myself, I can’t convince myself that it’s not me. I pretty much ruined my mum’s life and yet she still loves me more than anyone in the world… What did I do to deserve such an angel?


Worse off, this constant abuse and negative feelings circling around my head everyday is changing me as a person. I resent my friends for every single complaint they make about any little thing - I can’t help but think, “What gives them the right to complain? Their lives are much better than mine!”, and just constantly feel extremely irritable towards everyone. I’m constantly taking out my anger towards my dad to people around me, and I hate that about me. I feel like as a result of my father constantly taking power and authority over me, I’m taking it out on everyone else whenever I can. I hate this about myself, I truly wish I could stop feeling this way.


Also, this isn’t as relevant, but lately I’m also constantly having horrible nightmares - my friends being much more successful than I, my mother passing away… I think it truly reflects what I dread the most. This isn’t healthy, nothing about how I’m living my life right now is healthy.


Something I truly need advice on, however: My father after yelling at me today, told me I have one of two choices: either I stop going tutoring and he won’t care what ATAR I get (if I stop going tutoring, I know I will do dismally in the HSC) OR I can continue tutoring, but if I don’t get at least a 96, I’d better ‘watch out’. I must tell him my response tomorrow. I’m so afraid, I don't know how to respond to this and I’d like advice on this please.


I know constantly posting here isn’t taking any real action, but simply letting my thoughts run loose here and hearing someone understand me and comfort me online really helps lift a huge weight off my chest. Summer Rose, I truly don’t know where I’d be without you - thank you so much.


C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

I'm so glad that it's helping you to pour out your thoughts. There is much I want to say but I'm going to now focus on your response to your dad.

I would suggest something along the lines of ...

I appreciate your support to provide me with tutoring. I believe it is really helping and I am trying my best.

However, I cannot guarantee a 96 atar. The calculations are complicated and out of my control. I can only set goals and i

[Summer Rose]

Sorry, I hit post by accident ...

I can only set goals and the goals need to be realistic and reasonable. I know what you expect and I am trying. But I believe it's reasonable for me to achieve an atar somewhere between X and X. ( you have to decide the range) And this outcome is contingent upon continued tutoring.

So the choice is yours, Dad. You can help me to achieve my best or you can take whatever action you think is necessary. Whatever you decide, I will continue to work hard and try my best.

Does this make sense to you, C74? How do you think Dad would respond? At least this approach would remove the threat of what he's going to do if you don't get a 96. If he withdraws financial support for tutoring don't panic.

Your teachers will help you. Perhaps an extended family member could help you with a loan? Your friends could also help. It will be okay.

Kind thoughts to you

[C74]

Hi Summer Rose,


Thank you for the valuable advice.


Honestly, I am also quite afraid that the ATAR range that I believe is reasonable for me to try and achieve (around 93), is quite a bit lower than his expectations of me. In fact, when setting the goal of 96 to me, he’s already constantly telling me that he’s already being lenient, because a 97 should be “really easy” and that it “shouldn’t even require studying”. His ideas on the HSC are completely warped and deluded to the point where a 93, which I consider a good ATAR, seems like the end of the world.


I am quite certain that by telling him I’ll try for an ATAR of around 93, he will withdraw my tutoring funds, and then I will officially be screwed. My teachers can only help me so much, and I’m not in contact with any of my family (most of them are overseas, and a few years ago, my dad cut off my connections with my family who’re in the same country so I can’t ask them for a loan). My friends would never help me, I just know it. They’re extremely competitive. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but my high school is one of the top 5 schools in state - It’s a completely different environment here. Almost every student here is pursuing medicine/law, and every single student here will take any advantage they can get to get ahead, even if it means exploiting friends. People hold grudges towards their own friends when they get beaten, and lie about not studying in order to lure others into a sense of security, in an attempt to rank higher in assessments.

[C74]

I too, am afraid that I won’t make it into medicine now. My father told me yesterday that even though one can transfer to medicine during uni if they don’t make it in right away, it’s “practically impossible” so I can “forget about it”. Surely it’s not impossible? I never understand why people say it’s impossible - if you compete to transfer into medicine, surely you’re just competing against people who didn’t get into medicine in the first place? Either way, I’m so scared about my future. I genuinely don’t have any other interests to pursue careerwise. I’m so afraid of what my father will do to me if I don’t get into medicine. I was really hesitant to first tell him about my interest in medicine - but the first time I ever told him, he said it’s okay if I didn’t get in. He probably saw it as an unachievable goal at the time, but now that I’m nearing HSC, it seems like he’s thinking about me being a doctor more and more, to the point where he cannot see me in any other career, and now he’s absolutely serious about me having to get in or else. I regret it, I regret everything… I regret being honest with him 😞


C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

Firstly, I have been through the VCE process twice in recent times. Talked to school counsellors with my kids and then with career advisors (my daughter is 21 and son is 23). As my son needed help changing his uni path.

I believe your father is wrong. It is possible to transfer into medicine. One of my son's friends transferred from physio and I know another who has shifted from science. I don't know all the details of how they did this but I know it can be done.

No matter what atar you achieve (as long as it's in the ballpark) I believe you can find a way to get to where you want to be.

With regard to your father, let's look at the evidence. He wants you to become a doctor. He has threatened in the past to withdraw funds for tutoring but he hasn't followed through.

It's possible that he thinks his new threat will motivate you to achieve a 96 because he either doesn't understand or doesn't care about the impact of this threat on you.

But withdrawing tutoring now makes no sense if he truly wants you to become a doctor. And I think his ego needs you to reach medical school. What I'm saying is that it's possible he's bluffing to scare you.

[Summer Rose]

Hi again

I also want to address the issue of a "good" atar. There really is no magic number because it depends on your ability, environment and circumstances.

My son achieved a 99.25 my daughter just under 80. My son was bright and healthy. My daughter was bright and unwell, battling a serious mental health condition.

For my daughter to graduate was a success. For her to do so in the top 25 per cent of the state was a major success. With a Seas application to reflect her circumstances, and her hard work against the odds, she got into her chosen course at her chosen univetsity. She is studying architecture.

I am incredibly proud of them both.

A 93 for you would be amazing but so would a 70 given your circumstances and mental health issues. You are doing an amazing job, please don't ever forget that.

Given your circumstances you are entitled to make a SEAS application. Talk to your school counsellor. This can make a big difference to you.

Kind thoughts to you

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

You have been on my mind all day and I'm hoping you have calmed down a bit before talking with your dad.

I know you are scared of him and I am so sorry for that. But you are not weak. You are incredibly strong. Everday you try your best in very challenging circumstances. One day at a time you are surviving. That takes courage, my friend.

I am glad that mum has been able to provide some comfort. Your mum must be sad and worried too, but that is not your fault. None of this is your fault. Sadly, your dad is not behaving in a rational or acceptable fashion.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a great person. I am proud of you and backing you 100 per cent.

I'm wondering how your visit with the school counsellor went? This would be an ideal time to pop back for a chat.

The counsellor can give you advice on getting into medicine through different pathways, if necessary. The counsellor could also help to work out home strategies to keep you safe.

I'm worried about you. In an emergency call 000. If you need to talk to someone call the bb support line, any time day or night.

When you have time, if you want (no pressure), let me know how it went with dad.

Kind thoughts to you

[C74]

I regret so much ever telling my parents I want to get into medicine! Now they're fully set on me getting into medicine or nothing... I'm so exhausted, my first post on this website doesn't even compare to how I feel now.

This is such a stressful time for me, it's like no one in my life understands... My whole family was so proud of my cousin for simply getting into uni. But since my father simply cannot keep his mouth shut about any good achievement I've ever gotten (he likes to boast because it boosts his own ego, not because he wants to do it on my behalf), and now my whole family is waiting for "good news" with their expectations of me significantly higher. If I don't get into medicine, it's completely over for me.

Of course, I agree with you when you say that a "good" ATAR is subjective to one's circumstances and I think both your son and daughter did amazingly. But my father doesn't get that, he has a set number for what is a 'good ATAR' and since I had always grown up in an environment with people who have no problem getting into medicine (I go to one of the top schools in my state, and it's crazy there), I can't help but think it'll all be over if I don't into medicine right away... It'll be humiliating, and I'm scared my friends would scoff at me (I go to a school where people look down on people who don't do well in school)

My mental state has been quickly deteriorating over the past six months, and now that my first HSC Trial Exam is tomorrow, I'm seriously thinking of giving up. My dad puts so much emphasis on me doing well otherwise it'll "be embarrassing for him" to the point where everytime he tells me to study, I simply don't want to, so that he doesn't get the idea that I'm doing it for him, or that it can demonstrate that his methods of yelling at me and beating me aren't going to make me work, but ugh... There's absolutely no way to convey to him that what he is doing is wrong.