extreme pre-exam stress

[C74]

Growing up, I was never one of those diligent kids; you know the type. Those that go around holding massive organised binders with highlighted notes and study timetables... I would show up to class, occasionally listen, and binge study the night before; strangely, I managed to get by until year 11, when my grades began dropping quite extremely.

This year, I am in year 12, the final grade of school. Afterwards, it's university where my life can truly begin, and I can mostly be independent and free. But before then, there's this hurdle I must cross; the HSC.

The moment 2019 began, something clicked and I felt this resolve; I must study hard, I must work to get the best results I possibly can. Surely that's great, ambition is key to success and all that, right? Nope.

I've heard stories of people who've gone overboard, and I've always pushed that aside. People told me that you should always put your health and wellbeing above studying and they're definitely right, as I've learnt much too late. Now I've fallen into a deep dark hole that I can't get out of.

The start of the year was great; I made sure I slept at 10:30pm, I kept a diary, I made sure most of my homework was done and studied hard over the monthlong summer holidays. Alas, it wasn't enough. <- Result of me being too lax throughout year 11

Now I'm in the middle of my assessment block, which'll go on until end of next week. We get ranks in these. As a result, I'm finding myself studying until 3-4am, I'm studying on the train, I'm skipping meals to study, I don't take breaks... Incredibly unhealthy. I've been suffering from low blood sugar levels, and now I've fainted twice in public from fatigue, and fell onto hard concrete both times so I've currently sustained injuries on my arms, legs and fingers (making it difficult to write fast). Not long ago, something happened (not going to go into much detail, it's not too relevant) which wasted an hour of my time. I had a completely mental breakdown, and refused to eat dinner, sobbing and panicking in the fear that people may have 'caught up' to me in that one hour. I have a stomach ulcer as a result of skipping meals, and the pain worsens when I'm hungry. Yet despite starving from skipping meals, I felt as if I had to catch up due to that lost hour. Just that one mere hour.

I have gone from overly lax to excessively stressed. I can't help it, and I don't know what to do. If anyone could leave advice, I would so grateful. I just can't go on like this.

C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

Hope you are well.

I definitely think you should have a chat with your teacher before the parent interviews. I think you should be honest and say something along the lines of:

• You are under tremendous pressure from your parents to achieve high academic results.

• The pressure from home on top of HSC is affecting your physical and mental health.

• You are nervous about the upcoming meeting between her and your parents because you are afraid of how your parents will respond to any negative comments she makes.

• You would be very grateful if the teacher could put your last test result in context to reduce your parents' anger (e.g. it might be that it was a super hard test and the whole class performed below expectation or the test carried little weight or the teacher has noticed your efforts to improve since then).
• Ask the teacher for her ideas on how she can communicate honestly but in a way to protect you from harm.
• Agree on a strategy for the meeting.

• Tell the teacher you are planning to see the counsellor to seek further support.

The meeting with the school counsellor is really important and I am so pleased that you will be going. A counsellor's role is to listen, guide and provide support.

You control what you disclose and you can talk about the need for confidentiality. You can also request a follow appointment if you think it would help. And you can also ask the cousellor to speak with your teachers for you, so they all know you are having a tough time and need support.

I would ask the counsellor about all the ways "school" can help a student experiencing depression and anxiety. Ask for the help you need.

School counsellor's have pretty much heard it all. Don't be afraid or embarrassed. Your willingness to talk through your issues is a sign of strength and maturity. I am very proud of you.

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

Just want you to know that I am thinking of you. No pressure to respond but I am wishing you well.

[C74]

Hello Summer Rose,

It's been a while, thank you so much for keeping me on your mind. It's reassuring to know that someone's thinking of me 🙂

Sorry I haven't come on much lately. I used to log on everytime I feel overwhelmed; nowadays I'm constantly under immense pressure to the point where it's almost become the norm for me.

Parent teacher interviews came and gone. Not great, but not the worst. I appreciate my teachers so much... they didn't give too much away. I could tell that they didn't want to be too negative, and that they trusted us to work hard on our own. I think after the interviews, my best course of action would be to see some of my teachers and seek more help. My tutors are helping too, with improving my schoolwork and I'm having a much easier time. All I'm worried about is how much my past results will affect my ATAR but what's the point in fretting about something I can't change? All I can do is move on and try my hardest, but I won't lie; I still think about it a lot.

But an improvement in schoolwork is really making me realise that it's not actually too hard to do well, there's not much of a secret; you just need to stay motivated and do exactly what the teacher sets out for you. I feel like I had been under so much stress that I'd completely lost interest in everything I once loved, but now I miss them more than ever. I wish I could mess around on the piano for half an hour. I wish I could play chess with my friends for an hour or two. I wish I could visit a beach with my friends, and just zone out for a while, clear my mind up. Of course, I can't do any of that; my parents would flip out if they knew I was doing anything other than studying!

Anyways, not much to say, nothing much has happened. Just a life update I suppose, rather than asking for advice.

Nevertheless, I still hope to hear back from you 🙂

C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

Thanks for your latest life update. I'm glad you got through parent/teacher interviews without incident and that you are continuing to improve at school.

I really wish you could take a break though, it would be very good for your health and your results. Everybody needs downtime and enjoyment in life, it helps to balance out the pain. When my daughter was in year 12 she had a whiteboard to help manage her study time and life and she actually blocked off time for rest and enjoyment. I guess all parents are different, all students are different and all homes are different.

Thinking of you

[C74]

Hello Summer Rose,


Life is sailing by, I’m as exhausted as ever, but of course that’s just how it is. Currently, I’m going over 15 hours of tutoring per week (I won’t say the exact number, in paranoia that people I know may come across this forum and realise it’s me. Just trust me; it’s a lot.)


Examinations are coming up in 3 weeks and I haven’t been in the best of moods lately; I know this is a sucky thing to say, but I’m realising my friends aren’t the best people to be around during this time. It’s just… I don’t know how to describe it, but I’ll say it’s like there are only two types of people within my friendship group:


Too chill


These people spend study periods fooling around, disrupting me when I’m trying to study and pick on me for studying, constantly calling me a ‘nerd’. I don’t mind all that usually; it’s just when I’m trying to study, it’s rather annoying to have that happen.

*to be continued in the next comment*

[C74]

*scroll to read part 1 of this comment before reading this part*

2) Way too stressed for their own good

These people keep reiterating how utterly stressed they are about everything, and make their problems seem like the end of the world. I honestly don’t get why. I’ve given them sound advice, and they just get annoyed when I tell them ways to deal with it, and come up with more reasons they’re stressed but those reasons get more and more ridiculous. It’s utterly frustrating for me to deal with. Here I am, doing 15+ hours of tutoring with mountain loads of work to the point where I can’t finish my work without working through my school break times and staying up way past midnight. I’ve quit all cocurricular activities and hobbies, I don’t even play piano anymore. Just study, study, study. Next to me, someone who does no hours of tutoring (they still get better grades than me mainly because I have a lot to catch up on due to my lax attitude in year 11), plays around during break times, spends more time doing leisure activities than studying and then complains to me about how much workload they have. When me and my friends give that person sound advice, they start saying how they love all their subjects and won’t take our advice (which is to drop a few of those subjects, if they’re that stressful). I’m just like, why don’t you just do your work instead of continually complaining?! Well of course, that’s what I WANT to say. What I’ve ACTUALLY been telling them is that the best way they can deal with it is to realise that dropping their weakest subject may actually be better in the long run than keeping all their subjects, or maybe to see the counsellor/advisor at my school. Of course, they then find another little thing to complain about, such as “I have to eat dinner at a restaurant today so I will have less time!” or “I’m going to a club meeting for my cocurricular today” AKA things that they had a choice to not attend!


And to be frank, if I had no tutoring, I would have such an easy time completing just my school homework! Considering 11 out of the 15+ hours of the large amount of tutoring I do right now are as a result of my parents forcing me to go, even though they aren’t really beneficial to me as of now, I already envy the fact that they have so much extra time. I’m strong believe I’m under more pressure, and hearing them complain just makes me so mad, but of course I can’t say that.


It’s just so frustrating, what can I do?
I need advice 😞
C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

Thanks for the update. Year 12 is certainly challenging, for a variety of reasons as your last two posts point out. Here's my advice on the friendship issues ...

If you want to seriously study, stay clear of the friends who goof around. If you need a break and some fun, join them.

The sressed out friends are a little trickier because you obviously want to help them. You cannot change their behaviour. You can only change the way you react to it.

Seems to me that, you've given them your best advice and it's largely been ignored. Maybe from now on you just empathise and suggest the school counsellor.

You will be responsibly responding like a good friend, without taking on the responsibility to "fix" their problems. Although you may feel like a broken record at times, it should be less stressful for you.

Congrats on keeping it all together thus far. Not long to go now.

Kind thoughts to you

[ProDude]

Hey C74

I haven't read the whole thread of conversations but I thought I might just chime in my own perspective on this.

Firstly (just to give what I am about to say some credibility) I'm gonna tell you a little bit about myself. I'm 23, been at university for 5 years studying a Law/Accounting double degree in Melbourne, and did my Year 12 in 2014.

From what I have read, it sounds like you are someone who really wants to achieve and is under enormous pressure with where you're trying to get into at uni and suffering quite a number of adversities along the way. As someone who has university experience, one horrifying thing I can tell you is that VCE (or HSC) is a cakewalk academically compared to uni. And I'm not saying that to undermine whatever you are dealing with now, but that things change and that right now you are undergoing a huge learning process and a taste of what the future will bring academically and how you will learn to naturally cope with it better.

I read some of your concerns and there are some tips I can give:

1. Look at your current study methods and question whether you are studying 'harder' or studying 'smarter'. Often times I find that we can become so focused on dotting every I and crossing every T and covering every minor thing, at the cost of our health, sanity and overall benefit. Question whether what you are doing is essential, target the content that is really vital and think about whether there is a more efficient way of doing things.

2. A bit of a cliche but year 12 isnt everything. Yes, it would be fantastic to get into medicine straight from year 12 (and maybe you will), but there are plenty of other pathways into it, including if you enrol in another course at the university that requires a lower ATAR and then transferring into medicine the year after. And it's really not wasted time because usually you can get units from your old course credited towards electives in the new course.

So to sum up, keep putting in the work, you're halfway there. But at the same time, you have so much going for you and other ways into medicine apart from how well you do in year 12. When I did VCE I got an 84.80 ATAR and I still got into my law/accounting course in which I am thriving. Like me, you will one day look back at this ATAR year and realise how meaningless it really is in the grand scheme of things, and how far you have come and how much stronger you were for it.

All the best 🙂

[C74]

Hi Summer Rose - long time no see, sorry I had exams for the last two weeks so I tried to limit my internet use. Now that it’s over, and I’m out of exam mode, I realise that I truly feel as if I can’t take it anymore…


I’m so tired, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m stressed to the point where every second of my life is spent thinking about the consequences for if I do badly in the HSC. The thing is, I’m not too worried myself anymore - I personally know that if I don’t end up getting into medicine right away, there are so many pathways. The thing I’m afraid of is what my dad will do to me if I don’t do well, and it’s putting such an immense, unnecessary amount of stress onto me.


He’s generally an incredibly misogynistic and condescending person - he will find any reason to speak badly of anyone. I mean, he’s constantly berating my mum for being lazy and ‘lucky to find him’ when she goes to work more than he does, pays all the bills and does literally all the chores, which is sickening for me to watch everyday. He yells at her for every little mistake she does when doing chores, when all he does is sit there smoking all day, going on the internet and telling my mum he could leave her for a twenty something year old wife anytime (which is just such a disgusting thing to say, in my opinion).


My mum, for all her flaws, is someone I truly care about, and it makes me so upset to see her get treated like this.


But I can’t do anything about it, for he does the same to me.


His favourite thing to do is set impossibly high standards for me (I’m doing some of the hardest HSC subjects, one which includes the highest possible level of math, in which a 70% is considered really good and would scale up to he 90s - he told me I must get 90%) and then scold me really harshly when I don’t reach those goals, saying how he’d easily reach them and that I’m hopeless (He dropped out during high school, whereas I’m pursuing one of the hardest degrees. Really?!). Of course I don’t take it to heart when he says I’m hopeless, but the scolding is really taking a toll on me.


I know I can easily take action if I wanted to, but the thing is, I don’t. No matter what he does, he’s still my father. I wish I didn’t care so much, but I do, and now it’s taking a toll on me. What should I do?


C74

[Summer Rose]

Hi C74

I'm worried about you. I'm concerned about the effect your father's abuse is having on you and the high level of fear you are experiencing.

I want to remind you of three things we have talked about before. Abuse is never okay. There is no excuse for your father's behaviour. None of this is your fault.

You are so brave to talk about it and to keep going and functioning in daily life. You are doing an amazing job and I am really proud of you.

You have said that you don't want to take any action because he is "still your dad" and then asked what you should do because of the toll it is taking on you. Tricky question.

I understand and respect where you are coming from with regard to the feelings you have for your dad, but I think it's likely the abuse will continue without any kind of intervention to stop it.

So perhaps, at this point, it would be prudent to focus on trying to improve your safety in the home. I'm thinking about an emergency safety plan for starters. How would you feel about calling the kids helpline on 1800 55 1800 for some expert advice on this? Then we could talk about it some more. I also want to remind you that when you are in danger you can call 000 for immediate help.

I also think you should focus on improving your mental health. The emotional harm being inflicted on you is significant and I believe you will need professional treatment to heal. I know you don't want to approach your GP, but how would you feel about talking again with the school counsellor? The counsellor should be able to help you access local youth mental health services that could help. You can also call the bb support line on 1300 22 4636 for advice and guidance on where to find help in your area.

You are a great kid doing your best in a very difficult situation and I really want to encourage you take these steps. It's important.

I feel honoured to know you and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers