email to a family member

[Little_Rascal]

 m looking for advice I suppose ... My counselor is a passive woth this topic and my bf and mother are too opinionated.  

A family wedding is coming up and after rsvping i realized an uncle who was inappropriate will be there, my aunt knows what happened he admitted it, she didn't believe me and asked me not to tell anyone so it didn't tear the family apart.  

I feel it's necessary for my healing to make it clear to her that I would not have been ok with him being there.  But after a fight with my dad (sperm donor, also knows what happened and my aunt is his sister) he told my cousin who is organizing the wedding that i wont be there before I got a chance to finish the email or come up with a decent excuse. The sperm donor will be very vocal about my issues with him and our fight so the family will think im not going because I have daddy issues. ..

I have finished the email and was wondering of I could get spme advice on it? I don't want to cause problems in the family but I need to make my point heard.  Please let me know of someone is willing to read it and give me advice

[white knight]

Hi LR, 

I'm reading between the lines and what I see clearly is your rights being determined by others and not yourself.

Frankly, I would not be attending any function at all if an uncle abused me as a child. If I read you correctly). - period.

I would not be amused either if family members asked/told me to act in any manner "for the sake of the family". Damn that!!.

You have your dignity. Dignity is not for trading. Your dignity is not for others- its yours. Keep it. Be proud, be yourself, make your own decisions based on YOUR feelings.

Finally. Address the person concerned by phone or personal visit. Emails have their place but not in disputes IMO

My view.  Take care.

[Little_Rascal]

Spot on! Thanks white knight 🙂 I needed that, I need to regain my cahoonas!! 

The choice has definitely been taken from me and it makes me sick.  That's why I feel this email is so important.  Our family are all poets, except me, I paint/draw and I have gnarly phone phobia so I kind of feel email is best, oh and my aunt lives 4 hours north. 

The thought of hitting send is making me nauseous and shake .. 

Everyone seems to have an opinion on what I should do, but no supportive advice, or how I should feel, again with no support. And a lack of presence when I need to talk because I should just "do this" "don't do that" "don't cause a scene" 

I really appreciate your comment, I think it's what my counselor has been trying to tell me but in a very very passive way, telling me not make myself the victim again.  

Cheers again 🙂 

[white knight]

Hi LR

my advice (from this 58yo) comes form a lifetime of my decisions being made for me by my mother, or if not, her condemnation of all my decisions I have made.  Then the manipulation of family affairs by her was beyond anything imaginable.

Then I stood up, banned her from my life 4 years ago and found peace. And built up my dignity again.

Take care LR. Post here anytime

[Little_Rascal]

Thank you, honestly.  

I've recently told my "sperm donor" to not contact me, we are an emotional trigger for each other.  And I can see how my mum emotional manipulates people its horrible, I am so conscious not to do that.  

I am a shadow of my former self, the last week ive started to feel a little more at ease in my own skin again, it feels great, the nightmares are not fun but the less sleep, the less energy i have to be angry 🙂 

[white knight]

Feel proud LR. You are one a far better journey. One of discovery of your true self. 

To assist you further google "Prem Rawat Maharaji sunset" and "prem rawat Maharaji the perfect instrument".

 I have posted those many times on this forum. He isnt peddling religion but they are good youtube videos you might enjoy. I started following him 25 years ago. He has given me a different perspective on life.

Nice chatting LR

[Little_Rascal]

Legend 🙂 thank you! 

Much appreciated 

[Little_Rascal]

Far out, sent the email, got a response.  The best response I could ask for, my aunt apologized for not thinking, he's not coming anymore, she will call my cousin that's organizing it and will tell her that an incident happened so we can't be around each other.  Wow.

I've lost so many nights sleep over this and have been so stressed, I feel so exhausted now. So bizzare

[white knight]

Great LR.  Good news.  I've been through so many events in my life I've learned to go direct to the source, the person concerned and you did and got a great result.

wonderful.

[Little_Rascal]

so proud of myself, last night I felt so physically sick, I just cried, shook, and my guts wouldn't hold anything. being so anxious and "strong" about an issue took is toll something hardcore. it was crazy to relax. It's so true, going straight to the source is a much better option, I was so scared of all the what ifs and how it was going to turn out that I couldn't make the contact earlier, I would have saved myself a lot of stress if I did.

now I just need to tackle being around friends and being "happy" I feel like I have so much going on In my head I feel so drained and can't be "there" when I see others.