Dude where's my head?

[Perryson]

Hi guys

first time using these online forums, so bear with me.

ill start off with my background and where my life's at now...

about 7 years ago I finally broke, split up with my partner in which I thought was a serious relationship, wasn't enjoying work, wasn't enjoying where I lived, just wasn't enjoying life as a 23yr old should. I had a load of debt and not much to show for it.

I drank, turned to party drugs. I was tired and 'had enough'. every choice I made felt like a downward spiral at incredible pace...i remember breaking down in front of my mum...my poor mother, I felt like I was making her feel guilty for seeing me in my low. It was the best thing that could have happened at that time. Like a weight had lifted and I had someone to help me.

i saw a doctor, I can't remember what his diagnosis was because I was so nervous, embarrassed, all the emotions. I got medication for it which I took for a week but made me feel like a zombie..

since then I've felt good.

in the last 2 years I've been happily married and moved states to be with my wife's family, were building our first home and expecting our first baby.

im unsure if it's stresses of a house and baby at once or if it's my brain. I'm not on a high point or a low point, it's more lacking in excitement or pleasure. Simple things like buying myself a $50 item I talk myself out of as I can't see reward in it and it's feeling like it's most things. I don't really have any male friends in my new town and even my good mates from home seem distant.

Sorry if it makes no sense, but thought I'd connect with others so it doesn't build up in my head.

Any pointers would be appreciated.

Many thanks

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Perryson,

Great job expressing yourself in your first ever post. If it reassures you in the slightest, I think you’re making sense and I hope you feel welcome here on the forums 🙂

Well done on completely turning your life around. You have definitely come a long way and I find your story very inspiring.

Having said that though, I realise the progress you have made doesn’t negate your current struggles. A lot seems to be happening right now and you strike me as someone who is feeling lonely and has lost some of their “spark” for life.

I suppose, on paper, it all sounds good (and maybe it is good too) with your happy marriage, house and first baby. But clearly something is amiss even if you feel loved and are reaching life “milestones.”

I wonder if a lot of it comes from loneliness and perhaps being overwhelmed by all the recent changes. I feel maybe you need to find that “zest” for life again.

Perhaps, finances permitting, buy that $50 reward and find ways to mix up your routine and bring back that “spark.” Just my thoughts at least; they may or may not be helpful but I figured there’s no harm in sharing them with you.

Also, I wonder if now would be a good time to reconnect with your GP (if you haven’t already) for some extra support. Just a gentle suggestion...

I hope you feel comfortable to continue talking on the forums. There’s no pressure but if you’re happy to talk, it would be great to hear from you again.

kind thoughts,

Pepper

[Perryson]

Thanks pepper,

just an update currently there's is no financial strains anymore, everything like you said on paper appears perfect... the zest in what I like is a funny one, because like I said I talk myself out of wanting a reward.

Thanks for the encouragement too,

just wasn't sure if it's almost like a relapse or my thought processes.

Thanks

[Just Sara]

Hey and welcome Perry;

I'm wondering what your expectations are of yourself and life as well as your goals and/or desires. We can be really hard on ourselves and others, when in reality life's going ok. It's just our perception thru critical glasses so to speak.

Knocking back a reward's a sign of unworthiness; would you agree? Why did you consider rewarding yourself in the first place? You must've done something great. What was your rationale for taking back that personal pleasure?

And; is this normal behaviour for you or new? Getting married, having children, moving interstate and building a new home and life together's a really big undertaking! Responding to all this 'will' bring on stress responses; even in the best of us. That's why I asked about your expectations.

I also agree with you needing mates and time away from the newness of your life. Men need other men, whether it's cars, mate's poker or the 'shed' that floats ya boat. It's a worthwhile endeavour to find a 'you' space that encourages a sense of self and personal growth as an individual.

I'm not saying replace your role as husband and father, I'm just saying men need to have respite just as women do from the responsibilities of being at home all the time.

Your thoughts?

Sez

[Perryson]

Hi sez,

thanks for the response.

my goals, desires and what do I expect of myself?

Like everyone I try be the best me I can, I like to make people laugh and be approachable to anyone who wants to chat about anything, I really pride myself on how I treat anyone I meet. I really would like to be the best husband/father I can. My wife is gorgeous and we got on like best friends from when we met and we've never had any drama or arguments we're able to laugh everything off.

Goals wise....I do set my goals on achievements like the house and children, and material things for both my wife and I.

Rewarding myself, I seem to convince myself that I can use my money or time to benefit my family as a whole not me as an individual. And I'd feel guilty if I bought something entirely for me...which I know every now and again you need to spoil yourself. I keep telling myself once we're in the new house I'll go splurge on something.....but I'll talk myself out of it.

I completely understand the men need men thing and my wife is 110% supportive of that and encourages it.

a lot of people have said to me 'how are you coping with all the events in your life' and I laugh it off I don't really get stressed about it or even anxious.

[Just Sara]

You know Perry, you sound like a very together guy. I'm thinking maybe you've been bitten by the 'doubt' bug. Questioning ourselves about how we're performing in our roles or if we're doing the right thing, hits all of us at some time in our life.

Any psych will tell you it's how we deal with problems, not the problems themselves that makes us or breaks us and defines who we are.

From what you've written you're doing fine my friend. I wish you and your wife a happy and content life together. And congratulations on the upcoming birth of your baby.

I'm happy to continue replying ok. If you need to talk, this is a great place to do it.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

Mazel tov!!

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Perryson,

Thanks so much for replying and sharing a little more.

I’m glad finances isn’t really a big issue. That’s so good to hear 🙂

I hope you can recover that “zest” for life...life without that “zest” can end up feeling monotonous and lacklustre, and even unfulfilling at its worst.

Maybe there’s a way you can talk yourself into rewarding yourself. Maybe look at it as treating yourself helps you, which not only helps you feel better within yourself but it will help you be a better person for the people you love.

Kindness and care,

Pepper