Stuck in a deep rut of isolation

[CusCus]

This is my first time ever visiting this website after considering it for a long time. I just felt like I needed to get this off my chest but at the same time don't feel too comfortable bringing it up with my family members.

As the title suggests, at the moment I feel as if I am stuck in the social aspect of my life. I'm now going into my second year of university and realised I made no new friends that kept in touch from first year. As of late, I find it more and more difficult to make friends which I feel is related to my history of friendships.

Way back in primary school, I had a really tight group of friends (a squad haha) that would always meet up at class and every weekend and holidays. However, going into middle school, a huge amount of new students entered our year, and so our group sort of split up. While everyone seemed to find their own group of friends, I was the only one who was caught in the middle and couldn't quite fit in to a single group. All the way through to Year 11, people told me I seemed so charismatic and confident, but in reality I was crying on the inside. I didn't have a best friend and anyone to confide in.

In Year 12, I met someone who was overwhelmingly optimistic. He would always talk to me and skype call me to just talk about life. We had a great time that year, but as the year went by, I found myself replying to his facebook messages later and later. I think I was scared of losing contact with him after highschool. Sure enough, over the Summer holidays, we just lost contact. We got into different universities but I tried messaging him a few times to arrange a meet-up. He'd always reply with things like "Yeah we totally need to catch up!" and sound really excited. But when the meet-up time comes, he says he's busy.

I haven't really talked to many people during my time in Uni. I've only really talked to two others who went to the same high school as me. However, even with them, I feel so alone because when we meet up for lunch, they're just chatting with each other while I sit there listening. Also, they tend to arrange meet-ups without me so I feel so excluded and hurt.

I just feel like my past friendships and sudden snuffs of friendships have heavily impacted on my ability to make new friends. I just feel so scared that every friend I make in the future will act the same way and just cut off all ties with me.

I'm sorry if this seemed really messy, but I would really appreciate any help I can get.

[Doolhof]

Hi Guest_5629,

Welcome to the community here! You will find there are many sections to this forum. As you become more accustomed to how things work and comfortable, you might like to have a look at the social section and join in with some of the threads there.

Keeping friendships and creating new ones can be difficult at times and may take a bit of work. I find asking people about themselves helps the conversation going, ask about their likes, hobbies, interests and so on.

Do you have interests of your own that you can expand on and maybe join a group or club relating to your interests? You can meet new people that way.

A few years ago we moved to a totally different area. I have met new people through groups I have joined and volunteer work while looking for another job.

One thing I have learnt is to not have too many unrealistic expectations when meeting new people. We can't make people like us. I can be myself and show an interest in another person and try at creating a relationship.

Are there study groups or other organisations at Uni you could join? Are you interested in sports for example?

There may be other lonely people around you who don't know who to turn to for friendship as well. Maybe you could have a look around you at Uni and see if there are other people sitting by themselves, wander over and say Hi. You never know where a smile and a hello can take you!

Cheers for now from Dools

[CusCus]

I do ask people about themselves in most conversations and it works wonders. However, with the two friends i mentioned above, whenever I ask them something like "so what did you get up to yesterday?" they'd just say "nothing" and I'm not too sure where to go from there. They both browse reddit a lot so all they talk about are things they see on reddit and what not, so maybe that's why I feel so excluded. Also, one of them was known as 'the grumpy kid' in high school as he was always down and dejected so I'm not too sure if spending so much time around him has rubbed off some of his negativity onto me.

I used to be really passionate about basketball but since last year I stopped playing. This year I do plan on joining the university's boxing club though as I figured working on my body would probably help distract me from my thoughts.

Thanks for the tip! I'll keep a look out for other people who might be searching for friends as well around campus.

[Doolhof]

Hi Guest_5629,

It can be a little off putting when you try to converse with someone and the conversation goes no where. Maybe this other person does not have good communication skills.

I have no idea at all what "reddit" is, does it involve a smart device of some kind? We were recently at a family gathering where one whole family unit were all using their mobile phones at the table while we were supposedly having a meal! They were communicating with each other non verbally and playing games at the exclusion of everyone else.

Joining the boxing club will certainly have you interacting with other people. You may find connections there. Is there a junior basketball club you might be able to volunteer at if you no longer desire to play the game yourself.

I have noticed at social gatherings, some people (including me at times) are just standing or sitting by themselves. I usually gravitate to someone like that and see if they are up for a chat. Either that or I start handing out the food and cleaning up! Also another way to start up conversations.

Once you are aware of opportunities, you may find conversing with people less daunting. If they don't want to connect that is okay as well.

Still hang with your friends maybe just enjoy the company without actual interaction. That works for some people too.

Cheers for now from Dools

[GreenTea_Honey]

Hi CusCus

Welcome to the forums, I see you're new - me too still 🙂 I hope you find them helpful, they're a really great resource.

I can completely relate with your situation, old friendship experiences influencing current friendships/relationships. Uni's a strange place with friendships - when you click immediately it's easy, but that doesn't happen everyday, and when it's not immediate, every one is so busy and timetables are so different that it can be difficult to really get to know someone. But it helps to remember that friendships usually happen naturally, the good ones (the healthy and supportive ones) figure themselves out.

That said, I think Doolhof has made a really great suggestion with joining some sort of a basketball club. It might help to have something bridge you (something that you loved before your friendship difficulties).

And I think joining the boxing club is a really great idea. Not only because you'll be with people who share an interest (a good talking point), but because exercise is so good for mental health. For me, it's always helped with anxiety and focusing on something other than any of my mental health struggles. Hopefully it will for you as well.

Maybe even see if there are any other teams or clubs that spark an interest in you and try something new?

Wishing you the very best!