Deja Vu

heyyouthere · ‎07-09-2015

Hello everyone,

I sit here today questioning what I'm actually doing with my life. I know there are many people who have had the similar experience where one is left pondering and wondering all complexities of life.

What should be?

What could be?

What would be?

Due to many personal complications I'm left jobless, friendless and more often than not extremely depressed. I have Bipolar which assists in making me a socially awkward and uncomfortable person to be around. I lack confidence which in turn sets restrictions in finding new friends and new working opportunities. Some days I'm really enthusiastic that things are going to change but things aren't going to magnificently change over night. It's up to me to make the change but how and where do I even start? There's no stability!

When I'm experiencing a "manic" episode I'm energetic, I'm enthusiastic......I'm wanting to make a dramatic difference. Although when I'm experiencing a "depressive" episode I come across distant and extremely pessimistic. I then am in the process of trying to rebuild that confidence and that enthusiasm only to know it will soon come crashing down again. I am back to square one yet again with this overwhelming feeling of disappointment and frustration.............................................................its exhausting!!

There are many people in this world who are struggling, suffering life threatening illnesses and living in unimaginable circumstances. I feel extremely guilty for feeling and being the way I am for no reason but I'm beginning to accept that i can't control this. I can only accept it and live with it rather than fighting something that won't ever fully disappear. I can only improve myself and by doing so, can then start making a difference to the many other lives I encounter. I want to be a better person! There are times where I loose sight, I loose motivation and I loose hope but I'm trying to find and discover my own personal coping mechanisms that will assist in making me see things differently. We all struggle at some point but as Dori from Finding Nemo says "Just Keep Swimming".

BKYTH · ‎07-09-2015

Why would you feel guilty for having an illness.? There is a reason for you feeling and being the way you are. Life greets few, if any, of us with open arms. It offers so much and yet it is full of challenges and struggles. How many of us can understand what you express in the final paragraph. Many of us want to be a better person. To, at the very least, leave this world no worse off for our having been a part of it. Your post exhibits no self-pity. It expresses suffering without complaint and from those two characteristics wisdom is able to be nurtured. Your post has a philosophical tone to it. "What should be" or "Could be" or "Would be" are questions which transcend the purely psychological. Of course BB focuses on mental disorders and illness's and that is appropriate and very important but there are other elements of mental well being that are beyound the pharmacological and the psychological packaging of human experience into the packaging of labels. What do you think you should be doing with your life? We are born into an environment where expectations are placed on us. We are commanded to be with 'shoulds' and 'oughts' and expected to find our place, or rather, to have it provided for us by those same commands. What would this "better person" look like to you - Or to put it another way what is it that you now lack. If you want to be something other than what you are now (in this case "better") then you must begin by knowing who you are - Not what you think you are but what you actually are. To see yourself as you actually are is very demanding and is a process that continues throughout life - If, as Dori says, we should "Just Keep Swimming" then don't swim against a currant blindly which can only exhaust you but know the nature of your ocean and let it guide you to your destination. Philip.

geoff · ‎09-09-2015

dear Heyyouthere, welcome to the site, and have taken note from what you have said and what Philip has also said, and there is a one simple way to gain your confidence.

You have decided to post a comment on this forum, well, that's exactly how you can start to build up your self esteem, because what you are doing is communicating with other people, even though it's online, but that doesn't matter, because you are getting to feel what other people are saying.

You don't have to reply to posts that you don't feel comfortable with, but then you can express your own opinion, get feedback from those who have posted a comment, and then be able to read other posts and decide whether or not you could do the same as they have.

It's actually better than reading a book, because you can participate and get involved, and after awhile you can then slowly braise yourself to get involved with the outside world, and as soon as you feel uncomfortable then pull back and start again.

I do realise that talking online is quite different than talking to actual people face to face, but give it a go. Geoff.

heyyouthere · ‎10-09-2015

Thankyou Philip for your insightful response.

I do believe that from this, it has given a different outlook on the situation. As you mentioned, there's many expectations placed upon us which aren't always as realistic as they seem. I guess it's my responsibility to outweigh what is expected of me and what i expect of myself!!