Dating Anxiety

[BenD]

Hi everyone,

I've been over a whole gamut of anxiety related issues on here already so I see no point in stopping now. Thankyou in advance for allowing me this space to do so. This edition is focused on dating when dealing with anxiety.

A few weeks ago I got contacted out of the blue by a girl that I'd met once and hadn't spoken to in a few months.We chatted for a bit before she asked if I wanted to go for a drink - I said yes - and all seemed fine at the time. But having made that plan to catch up my head started going into overdrive thinking about all the 'what-if' scenarios: what if she doesn't like me? what if I make a fool of myself? if we don't get on then what is wrong with me?

It ended up OK, I dropped her home and gave her a kiss goodbye at the door. We ended up catching up again 2 weeks later, with a similar scenario playing out. I've asked her if she's free this week but unfortunately she's away.

Now, I hardly know her, find her interesting without being completely infatuated, and recognise that connection is as much to do with the other person as it is with you.

But, despite saying these factual, rational, common-sensical things, I still feel a twinge of self-doubt and anxiety. 

BenD

[Neil_1]

Hi Ben

Great post and it's good that you've raised the age-old dilemma of the date scene.

How the mind gets to dominate you between meetings with a special someone.

It is good though to read near the end of your post about the factual, rational, common-sense types of things.  So you've got that happening, which is great.  Now, how to kill off those self-doubt and anxiety issues.

Now I'm no Casanova and I've had my shares of knock-backs in my time - so these words are just my own thoughts (but please put them on a pedestal according to the Gospel of St Neil if you wish too :).

To me, what I'm reading is that you seem to dig this girl and she definitely digs you (as it was she who initiated the first 'date').

But dude, ONE date and then you saw each other TWO weeks later - with the same kind of scenario playing out (and there's nothing wrong with the same scenario - it was just the two week break).  I used to be champing at the bit for the next meeting - hmmmm, maybe I should have used your laid back style.  🙂

Hey, when you asked her about this coming week, and she said she was away - did she say anything along the lines of:  "I'm away, but that would have been great"  OR  "I'm away, but I'm back on such and such a day, why don't you call me then?"   If you received either of those lines, Ben, you can get rid of any self-doubt or anxiety feelings, cause I can see in my crystal ball that all is very good.

Would love to hear back from you on this one.

Neil

[BenD]

Hi Neil, thanks for your response 🙂

I actually asked her out again a week after the first date, but she said she was snowed under with study. I said that was fine, just contact me if/when you are free and so we caught up another week later.

Yeah now you mention it in her reply does say that she wishes she was free.

A storm in a teacup it appears, but a storm nonetheless…any advice on how to combat that worst-case-scenario thinking?

Thanks again,

Ben

[Neil_1]

Hi Ben

The worse-case scenario (ok, from where I sit isn't too bad - I hope you feel the same way).   Ok, so you've had what, 2-3 outings - all very nice and with the possible hope of more.

However, you haven't actually stated that you're kind of, you know, 'ga ga' (or head over heels) for this person.  So if worse case scenario happens and happens quite early on, then for all pretences, it'll be like things were about 3-4 weeks ago - BEFORE you even started thinking or seeing this person.

I've found the worst case scenario if it happens 'early on', that it's the absolute best time to happen.  Before you begin to get too committed to this person.

But from all that you've mentioned so far, it sounds like things are going ok and things are positive.  I guess you're both not overly old either (or that's my assumption) so the number one thing is to just ENJOY things.   If it continues, absolutely awesome.   If it doesn't, then get your line, bait up the hook and cast it out into the ocean - the ocean is filled with many many beautiful catches.

Um, how did I go with that?

Neil

[BenD]

Very well for such a vague question, thanks Neil.

I like your fishing analogy, I think I'll keep it in mind for the future.