Sick of carrying this with me..

[jbubble]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here, but certainly not new to depression and anxiety. I have had depression and anxiety for about 10 years (I'm 24) and have had very good patches of good days/weeks/months. However, recently I have plummeted again and I don't know what to do. I am off my anti depressants - I do not want to go back on them - and have recently started having the suicidal thoughts and overall crappy feeling. I very regularly feel like bursting into tears for no reason, or just going to hide under the bed covers.

 But the worst thing I am finding hard to deal with is the strain on my relationship. I have been in a very loving relationship for 2 years and it is very good for my mental state. But, when

my anxiety and depression hit an all time high I know that the relationship suffers with it. I'm no fun to be around, I mope, have no energy and I never want to have sex with my boyfriend. When he knows something is wrong he tries to ask, but I can't give him a straight answer because technically there is "no one problem" to talk about, it's just that overall feeling of numbness and as I try to describe to him: "a suffocating blanket of anxiety and pain". He doesn't really know how to deal with my low times and I feel so lost... To make it worse he has just left for a bucks party in Thailand. My head tells me I can trust him (and he has never done anything to hurt me in the past), but my anxiety likes to wreck havoc with my emotions and mind, and I'm finding it difficult. 

Anyway, I guess I just need some support from people who understand and have been through the same feelings and who can listen and offer some suggestions for me to overcome this little hurdle. 

Thanks 



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[white knight]

Hi JB,  welcome to beyond Blue forums.

I took 12 ad's before I found a mood stabiliser that suited me and I'm so much better I wont ever go off them. Such is the reward for trying several types till you get the right one. That's my suggestion. You wont jump over that "little hurdle" without them.

Until then, things will compound like issues with coping and these will place more pressure on your nice relationship. You wouldnt like that relationship to chip away because eventually once you have found the right medication for you those chips have permanently hurt your love life.

Prevention= much better than cure.

Take care

[HA1]

Hi Jbubble!

I can tell you that I am going through exactly the same feelings that you are in terms of your illness and the strain on the relationship.  

It concerns me that you acknowledge and accept that you suffer from depression, yet you say that you do not want to go back on ADs.  Why? As WK has already advised you, it may take a long road to find the right one for you.  But you will find it very difficult to sweep those dark thoughts from your mind unless you reconsider your ejection of ADs.  Can you please come back and tell us why you have rejected them.

I am not sure which is worse, the illness that we suffer or the effect that is has on those near us, and particularly our partners. I have discussed on another thread, how I feel about ensuring that my carer/partner stays well and stays as happy as possible.  Like us, they also have to accept that we suffer from mental illness and that this fact makes a little different to what may be termed as a 'normal' relationship.  Some can deal with it others cannot - but not their fault.

Although I push myself hard to join with her in those things that I know she enjoys (doesn't that sound awful; that I have to push myself to please her!), the issue of sexual intimacy is a bigger hurdle.  I have no answers to that, yet.  But working on it. I think that reactivating the intimacy of a normal loving relationship will be a huge hurdle for me. So in that respect, were are in the same boat in trying to get across this particular hurdle.  

Look forward to you joining this discussion.

Take care

K