Can’t believe how long it took to realise

[Zu]

Just logged back in & spent some time reading through my old posts. Super interesting & also shocking to find posts from before I even realised how mentally ill I was. Posts from like 15yrs old up till about 18, trying desperately to find an answer for how awful I felt. Looking back it’s so obvious but i was so young & oblivious!

My mental health kinda plummeted around 14. I was exhausted constantly, couldn’t concentrate, had no willpower to do anything & had this relentless perpetual headache. I went from excelling in school to spending most of it passed out on my desk.

I think I had been to about 12 different doctors trying to find an answer but to no avail. Most of them were nice enough, others blamed me for my situation. Claiming that ‘this is just what being a teenager is like’ or that I’ve ‘just got to try a bit harder.’ My family didn’t (and still don’t) understand, because as far as we could see, I was ‘physically well.’

I spent almost 4 years wondering why being alive was so hard & whether this really was just ‘normal.’ But over time it got clearer and I eventually realised that I was actually just super depressed haha

I think there’s probably some sort of physical component to why I feel so dead all the time too, but I am yet to find it.

Rereading my old posts & its so insanely obvious!! I just can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out. Not even a single one of all those doctors picked up on it! How!?!?

I’d like to say that things are mostly better now. But I don’t think things will ever be 100% okay. It’s a rollercoaster, some days I’m great & other days I just want to die. A little sad I’ve spent 1/4 of my life like this but it’s okay!
I’ve finished school now, got an insanely cool job & have the best little work family. I’m studying a couple of courses, which is a struggle at times but I’m getting there! Have had so many amazing opportunities to work creatively & exhibit my art.

Will hopefully move away from my family soon too when I get enough money!

I never ended up actually getting help but it’s nice to know what’s wrong at least. Eventually I will but for now I don’t have the energy, time or money & will continue to procrastinate.

No real point of this post, just thought it was a bit funny looking back at how long it took me to realise how depressed I really was!

🙂

[ecomama]

Wow Zu what an AMAZING post to read! 

Congratulations on ALL of your achievements! 
You are powering on and it's SO NICE to see. 
Thank you for posting! 

I'm excited for your future. 
Sometimes the hormones of puberty can hit hard. Mixed with all the pressures, perceived and otherwise, it can be a very difficult time for young people. 

I'm hearing you about no one diagnosing what was the actual issue at the seat of all this. 

At the very least YOU can see what it was now. 

Being kind to yourself with plenty of self-care during the hard times (and any time lol) can really help buoy us through challenging times. 

So happy for you
EM 

[sbella02]

Zu,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, and welcome back to our forums. I know the feeling of looking back at old recounts of past experiences of dealing with mental health, I used to keep several diaries throughout my teenage years and it can be very eye-opening to read through them years later. I hear you.

It's amazing that you've been able to find some clarity on what you were going through when you were younger. And congratulations on your great achievements since becoming an adult, you speak about your accomplishments with such passion and zest, it's inspiring to read. 

I'm sorry to hear that the doctors you've been to were unable to identify the problem. It's often invalidating to be told that it's "just a part of life", or even to hear that because you seem physically well, this negates any kind of mental struggle. Mental health struggles can look different for different people, there's no "one-size fits all" when it comes to the manifestation of this in everyday life.

If you do feel comfortable in the future, perhaps having a chat to a psychologist or therapist may even help deepen your clarity, or if you're ever feeling like you need a bit of support again. 

Great to hear from you again, we're always here if you need us.

Take care, SB

[geoff]

Hello Zu, being young we don't often know why we feel like this and make numerous excuses to try and justify why and most times we think we're right, especially when doctors only believe it's because we are growing up.

Being physically well, or as people see us, is no indication of how we are mentally, lack of energy, no enthusiasm or no motivation shows that there is something not right with you.

How depressed you felt when you were an adolescent may be totally different to when you're an adult, only because there is so much more you have learnt.

Studying a couple of courses can certainly be beneficial, however, it's important not to overload your capacity to enjoy what you like to do, because complications may then dominant all of this, and that's not what you want.

When you are at the cross road, questioning what's actually happening or something is holding you back and creating thoughts you don't want, then it's always good to discuss the various options with someone who is experienced, because no one is infallible in getting a MI.

Geoff.

Life Member.