Being Ignored / cut off

[random__]

I have a new group of friends and every time I talk or answer someone’s question I always get cut off or get talked over by someone else and when I try and tell/ show anyone anything everyone ignores me or changes the topic.. they always say to me that they care about me and there not bad people.. but it’s happened all my life.. from Family and Friends doing it and even my partner does it to me and I have no idea how to stop it happening or prevent it.. I keep telling myself that I must be a really non interesting and such a boring person but I need to know is there anything I can do about it?? Or is there any solutions?? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome.

I'm in the same boat. I get annoyed when- they interrupt before I'm finished, they talk only about themselves - this means 2 things- 1/ they werent listening to my comments they were actually thinking about their own comment they were going to make and 2/  they dont ask questions and that means they aren't interested.

But, my wife has a different take. Her family interrupt all the time and call it "all part of healthy conversation". Having studied people for a long time I've come to the conclusion that people do generally talk over each other, some are selfish and want to not ask questions and only talk about what they experiences. This is the new normal!! After all if the majority think that way then is the minority right? Dont think so. 

So what to do about this?  Well there is far less excuse to interrupt if its one on one like dinner with your partner. No excuses if your partner of GF pulls out her mobile phone and texts people or answers their phone.

The proof of the level of interest someone has that is unacceptable is when they cut you off while you are talking, they might get distracted, a phone call or text... then when they return they might apologise then start up a brand new conversation on a totally different topic. That means they werent interested in your talk. I always pull them up on that - "do you realise we were having a conversation before that phone call and when you were done you didnt return to it .. meaning you had zero interest?"

So in summary- yes you have a point that in an ideal world we should have manners and wait till someone stops their sentence before talking. But it isnt an ideal world. We should try to hop on their train but if we cant then try to find other friends and have more one on one outings. As far as your partner goes you might need to be more insistent that he allows you to express yourself and he listens. Listening is an art and many cant paint.

TonyWK

[Trying_to_fail_better]

Hey there,

I've got ADHD and 8 siblings so grew up totally unaware of how often I talked over people or interrupted them. My spouse is squarely in your boat, has totally accepted after years of this that he is boring and is now very uncomfortable in group conversations with my family and even generally since it does tend to happen even with people who don't have ADHD. What really helped most was him being totally honest with me about what I was doing and how it made him feel. I've since come up with a little system to stop myself that works for me: if I realise I'm about to interrupt/start doing it I'll put a finger to my lips (looks like I'm shushing), it helps combat the urge because it serves as a reminder of what I was going to say while physically stopping me from talking over the other person. If anything else pops into my head before it's 'my turn' to talk I just hold up another finger. I've also started paying extra attention to my partner when we're in a group conversation and bringing it back to him if someone else talks over/interrupts him. Ironically, before we worked this system out I would also get worried about participating in group conversations! I had a hard time working out turn taking when there was more than one person and knew I tended to dominate a conversation without meaning to so started telling myself I was really annoying and everyone else was just waiting for me to shut up.

I'm sure your loved ones don't find you boring and would hate to be the root of that belief! I was so proud of my partner when he told me how he felt because I knew he was terrified of not being taken seriously and being so vulnerable due to past experiences. He was also terrified of hurting my feelings or making me feel bad, but that didn't matter to me in the moment because I was making him feel bad, repeatedly. I think an honest conversation with the people around you would help. If they're more like me and can't stop themselves from doing it as easily because their brain gets too excited, maybe you can come up with your own fun little system or try mine out! They've said they care about you, give them the chance to prove it. If they don't take the chance they're not being good friends. You're worth being listened to, you're worth figuring out better ways to communicate.  Sorry that this has gone on so long, (clearly my rambling tendencies extend to text!) I really do hope this helps. 

[quirkywords]

Trying to fail better

what a well explained reply.

When I was high I used button my lips if I found I was interrupting too much. 
Your insight into your behaviour was helpful. 

[random__]

Hello:) I have read your reply and you very much remind me of my partner.. I have ADHD and so does my partner and he gets very distracted when I am talking by either a notification on his phone to a noise he has heard outside/ inside the house or something random will pop into his head that he’s been wanting to tell me and just remembered.. but he doesn’t realise half the time that he’s interrupting and cutting me off when I speak.. but I have been very honest with him about it and told him how it makes me feel and he is trying very very hard to stop himself which I love him for .. but if I’m honest I don’t mind as much when he does it cause I understand his thinking process but with my friends.. it’s been a hurtful thing for me cause this isn’t the first friend group I’ve had where this situation has taken place.. I am trying to stop myself from talking/ answering anyone at the moment cause it feels like they don’t care which can very hurtful but I understand your look on this situation completely and appreciate you taking the time to tell me from your side of this 🙂

[white knight]

Hi all,

ADHD has these quirks of responses and behaviours that is rarely fully understood. In 2003 I was diagnosed with it. I took meds (12 different types over 6 years) but as none of those meds worked a second opinion found it was bipolar instead. Some illnesses can "cross over" so you get a bit of this and a bit of that depending totally on the person. Hence I had "foot in mouth" all my life, saying the wrong things. Mania can do this also from bipolar or ADHD. 

Slowing down this mania can be done with physical activity eg gardening but has to be done daily eg long walks. But of course psych/GP are trained in that field. Distraction is common with ADHD. When kids have ADHD their attention wanders to outside the window during class. Again I had that, in fact I've read only 5-6 books in my life, I cant keep my attention focussed. Short sessions like this forum or TV documentaries are good but series on netflix takes a lot of effort to keep focussed.

So important for a happy life to understand and accept your partner with his reactions that are normal for him/her but our of bounds with what is common.

TonyWK

Tony

[Trying_to_fail_better]

It's lovely to know you have open communication in your relationship and are doing your best to understand and appreciate each other as you are while being open to and willing to work towards change! I am truly sorry to hear about the friend group though, do you have the opportunity to spend time with these friends one-on-one much? It would probably be a lot easier to bring this up with one person you feel comfortable being this honest with and (unless the other person is oblivious enough to be the only one talking in a two-person conversation) you should get a more obvious turn to speak without feeling like you have to force it. If they're a fairly confident friend they might even be able to start including you in the group conversations by building off what you've contributed/bringing it back to you/pointing out they're trying to listen to what you were saying if another person interrupts. I'm not sure if you've heard of RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) but it's something linked to ADHD that can make perceived rejection much more painful than it would be for the average joe. Bringing how you feel up with a friend is opening yourself up to that potential rejection again which is terrifying, but would be worth it if it helps you feel more accepted. You've already done something brave by being honest about your feelings in a public forum! 

[quirkywords]

Random

thanks for your insights. 

[quirkywords]

This is a helpful discussion. Thanks to Tony and trying to fail better, for sharing your experiences and your suggestions. This thread will help all those who read it not to feel alone.