Always feel embarassed/ashamed of how I act at school

[Cerise547]

hi all,
So lately I've always been feeling ashamed of how I act at school, more specifically stuff like overly putting myself down (which seems to annoy my classmates, who are all lovely people) and acting kinda stuck up and nerdy, but in a REALLY annoying and snotty way. It may sound weird that I'm observing this stuff but have not solved the problem already. You see, at school, I feel as though all of my actions are under a microscope, being looked at by both my peers and myself. I think I crack under the pressure of that mindset and I don't think about what I say/do when I'm around my peers. After school, I over-analyse my actions that day and cringe at what I've done, and start to freak out about how my classmates would view me. I fear that I've already created a crappy impression of myself to them, so they'll always see me as that cringy, annoying, stuck-up girl.

Also, it seems that my classmates have kinda created an image for me, as a really nerdy, studious, "know-it-all" girl, and honestly I feel like I've moulded myself to fit that (at least during the time I'm at school, I seem to align myself with that "persona"). I also feel like at school I act way too dramatic, loud and over the top, and although I find myself funny, I know I annoy the crap out of my peers. At school, I act and talk somewhat impulsively and I just know that my classmates would talk about it with each other (they're all very observant, and I've been in conversations where they analyse other people's actions really closely, so it wouldn't be that unrealistic for them to be talking like that about me). This makes me kinda feel like an outcast, and I almost feel like I'm slipping down a mountain and can't grab on, because I constantly lose control of my actions. At times like these, I feel like isolating myself completely from my friends so I have no chance of embarrassing myself, but my psychologist (who I don't very often, and I have talked to on this issue but I would still like another perspective on it) has told me that this is a bad idea, which is fair, and she said that I should work harder to be close to + hang out with them all! I know that it's possible to control them and be more controlled in general, but I need some advice on it.

Deep down I dream (ahah this sounds so cringy) of one day being like some of the year 12 girls at my school. They're graceful, kind, and calm, and although they're not perfect they just seem so in control of themselves and their image!

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Cerise,

It seems like you're very analytical and self-critical. A bit of both is fine but it seems like you're very worried about how people see you and the affect you have on others. I don't recommend cutting off your friends or anything like that unless they are toxic (make you a worse version of yourself). My advice would be to try and recognise when you think you are acting with little thought and care and try and pause for a second. Ground yourself, take a breath and think about your words and actions clearly for a bit before making your next move.

In the end, you shouldn't have to change who you are to fit in to other people's wants and needs. Who you are is special and individual. Changing your individuality to make others happy will never do you any good. You do you.

Hope this helps,

idek

P.S. Those year 12 girls who look like they've got it all together, they probably don't. I'm one of those kind of people, most people at my school have always thought I'm some sort of perfect person but little do they know I've been struggling with my mental health immensely for pretty much my whole high school life and my life is a mess.

[Cerise547]

Hi idek,

Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot!

I think it will take a bit of time but I'm going to work on being more mindful of what I say + do, and not say/do things on a whim as much. Often I feel like the things I say/do aren't true to me, so I've been trying to imagine the version of myself that I want to be in the future and acting that way now.

Also, I go to a small school and I'm in a small class, so I'm trying to keep in mind that these people I'm trying to please are a fraction of the people that I'll meet in my lifetime, so there's no point trying so hard to please them. As long as I stay kind, that's all that matters.

Hindsight is a great thing, and I've thought quite a bit since writing that post. Your reply has helped me to reflect 🙂 I've really gotta not overthink so much haha

And I think you're very right about the yr 12 girls. Looking back now, they would all have their own flaws, and I honestly don't know them well enough to put them on a pedestal like that!

Thank you so much again for replying, it's helped a lot 🙂

Cerise

[rkhurxnx]

oh my gosh, i just stumbled upon this post now, more than a year later and it feels like you're describing my life exactly!

I just wanted to ask if you ever did end up being able to control yourself a little more and if you could give me tips on what i can do to make this happen for me too?

How i kind of cope with my dramatic-over-the-top-personality-that-everyone-seems-to-find-fun-and-amusing-until-it-isn't-anymore personality is by pretending to be unapologetic about it and overly blunt. Like yeah this is me and if you don't like me whatever, but i really do care and...

i wish i could just fit in a bit better and not let my excitement get out of control and have people look at me with weird judgey smiles...

anyway, even though this post is from ages ago, i hope you reply! thanks 🙂