Always arguing with parents.

[DevHarp]

Towards the end of 2021 my mental health was at the lowest point it has been in my entire life, filled with intrusive thoughts such as suicidal thoughts and major feelings of worthlessness etc. These were brought on by many factors including lots of arguments with my parents I decided to see a professional about these feelings for the first time and it really helped.

Recently, I have noticed similar occurring. Although im now 17, the dynamics between my parents and I have not changed. Coming home from school every day is miserable as I prepare to be shouted at some time in the evening by usually my dad. Neither my mum nor dad knew how I felt back at the end of 2021 as I went by myself to see a professional (school counsellor.) I'm worried that I will go down the same path and end up feeling the same way as I did back then and im scared. It's the same thing every evening though, it starts of as a small conflict and somehow ends up into a shouting match. I'll admit that some of the conflicts is completely my fault but in the heat of the moment I can't seem to control myself. I want to talk to my parents about how I feel but I don't know how. I also want to talk to a school counsellor again but don't know how (the last one was booked by a teacher I felt comfortable talking to.) I know my parents love me and give me amazing opportunities but it's hard to see that sometimes when I'm always in conflict with them.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

It's refreshing to read such a direct and open post.

Ok well at 17yo after years of fighting with my older brother I decided to leave home and join the defence forces. For me it had so many ticks like- adult wage, free medical and dental, cheap meals and accommodation and mate ship with travel. 4 days after my 17th birthday I was on a plane to South Australia with 2 dozen other young people, what an adventure!

Without blaming anyone, some parents simply find the youth of young people annoying, they just arent cut out to connect with them. Worse still are the situations whereby their children stay at home till late 20's or longer... I think parents deserve their own lives alone after raising their children. But thats an opinion and it serves this post only because it demonstrates why some families argue so much.

When you are unhappy with the family chemistry the domino effect extends towards sadness and dissatisfaction... even suicidal thoughts. But I noticed it is the only problem you actually mentioned although a major one to you. So in the meantime while considering your options for the near future, how about you set up your bedroom to be a little more user friendly- TV, computer and so on and become more distant from your parents. Meal times you can focus on anything that makes you and your parents laugh. This will require a lot more listening and less responding. Reacting to anything you disagree with that could lead to an argument you'll need to work hard to avoid.

It's comforting for you to acknowledge the love your parents have for you. If you do move away as part of your new adult life fast approaching, then you'll find in a short time any contact you have with them will be restored to a better level of happiness.

So in summary- creates plans for the next year or so that includes employment, that creates independence, that creates ability to afford housing and become a person living elsewhere. Everything will then fall into place.

What do you think?  Thankyou for posting.

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi DevHarp

I'm really sorry that your mental health is suffering due to conflict with your parents.  Bravo to you for getting yourself to a counsellor the last time you felt this way. And the same congratulations for reaching out here on the forum.

I totally agree with you, it would be both great to touch base with a counsellor now and talk to your parents.

Is the teacher you approached two years ago still working at your school?  If so, you can approach that teacher and ask for help again.  I'm positive your old teacher would be willing to assist you.  If not, can you find an email address for your school counsellor or make your way to his/her office?  I'm sure you should be able to book the appointment yourself.  Well, put it this way, I'd be surprised if he/she turned you away.

As for your parents, I get why you could find the conversation daunting.  Are you closer with one of them in particular?  Maybe you could start with a one-on-one conversation?  If not, can you think of an extended family member you could talk to?  Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, cousin?  The purpose would be to ask them for advice on how best to approach the conversation and, if you feel comfortable, they could sit in on the discussion.  it needs to be someone you would feel comfortable confiding in and who your parents might listen to.

If none of that makes sense to you, what about writing down the things you want to say in a letter and giving it to your parents?

I think you are very brave, sensible and resourceful--hopefully your parents will see this too.

I'm a mum (my kids are now adults) and I care for my daughter who has a mental health condition.  Any time you want to talk, please post and I'll do my best to support you.

Kind thoughts to you

[DevHarp]

Hi Tony WK,

Thanks so much for your words, they have really stuck with me since you have replied. Regarding my state of mind in late 2021 it was many things that caused my thoughts but the constant arguing was really impacting on me. I would love to have something to distract me in my bedroom such as a TV but at the moment my parents are very strict related to anything technology wise in my room (all devices out by 9:00.)

Otherwise I have taken your advice and it has worked really well. As tough as it is for me instead of talking back i have agreed to most things my parents say so that arguments don't start up. This has really helped but sometimes I forget to do this and a small one starts but no where near as much as before. Even simple things such as getting to the dinner table as soon as my parents ask has really helped. As for future plans, my current job gives me very little hours a week so I am currently searching for jobs that will give me more hours so I can find a way to move out and live elsewhere.

All around thank you so much and you have really saved me from a bad start to the year.
Thank you so much again,
DevHarp

[DevHarp]

Hi Summer Rose,

You really are a life changer, as soon as I read your post I knew the perfect person to talk to. My Grandmother who lives not far away from my place is such a nice woman who has cared and loved me so much since I was born so I decided I would sit down and have a chat with her. She likes by herself so she can get quite lonely at times so it was also a perfect reason to talk to her. we both had long discussions and she even let me sleep at hers for a couple of nights over the weekend before I had to return to school.

I don't 100% feel comfortable talking to my parents about it but I reckon I will need to push myself out of my comfort zone and do so. Regarding school councilor I am doing much better now thanks to the you and the other amazing people on this forum so I won't need to utilise one right now but you were completely correct in saying I can just email one of the councilors to book a session.

You are an amazing mum and I really appreciate your wisdom,
Thankyou again,
DevHarp