A fear I've Never Told Anyone

[Tiah_]

I'm not really the kind to aerate my problems for the whole world to see, but I know people on here are usually quite honest. I know what I'm going to say may come across as trivial compared to so many of the stories on here (my heart goes out to you all), but it matters a great deal to me. I think first and foremost i should make it known that I'm quite a big girl. I'm not morbidly obese to the point where I can't walk or my health is putting me at risk, but enough to have been bullied almost my whole life for it. I've done so many things to try and lose weight and it just never works, but I digress.

Growing up, I saw all my thin friends get crushed on by guys, and then going into high school, boys always wanted them, but little to none ever looked my way. I've had my fair share of relationships, yes, but almost all of those were just because we were 12-13 years old and felt pressured to be in relationships. I dated a guy when I was 17-18, and as much of a shit show that was, he was my first real love.

I want to be loved in the same way everyone else wants to be loved, but I fear it may not be in the stars for me. Anytime I've ever really expressed it to anyone, I'm always met with the same response: "You're young, you have your whole life to find someone", or "There's someone out there for everyone", or the infamous "Love will come when you least expect it." It's so draining. Yes, I'm 19, and I do have my whole life ahead of me, but it only makes the feeling worse. There are so many people (especially in my generation) who hate fat people just for existing.

Because of my weight, I'll never get the genuine love I crave so badly. I've always been the girl who's good enough to have sex with but never appealing enough to be loved out loud. I sometimes feel like I'm just the dirty magazine a boy stuffs under his mattress so his parents don't see. Every time I see couples in real life or online, I get this feeling in my stomach. I'm happy for them, but I hate them for it. It even happens with people I know. Almost everyone I know is in love or has kids, which are the two things I want most in this world and the idea that I may never get either of them haunts every corner of my brain.

I could go on for hours and hours about this, but I think it's safe to say my point has been made. Again, I'm sorry if this all sounds like one big first-world problem, but I'm so tired of being plagued with the same thoughts every single day of my life for years on end.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I hope my experiences can help.

I'm 68yo and have always been overweight. I was 93kg when I joined the AirForce in 1973 at 17yo and regardless of that training I still added weight. At 28yo I felt exactly how you feel now, them days people married young - early 20's or your age so I felt left out when they were having kids. I also had pressure from my parents to "settle down" -yes so draining so I rushed into marriage and one of my biggest regrets because it lasted 11 years and her abuse of me led to my one and only suicide attempt. We had 2 daughters.

My weight gain continued. Also my oldest daughter has the same issue now and is having issues trying to have kids. My wife, me and my daughter have all been on weight loss injections, however I gave them up as the side effects were enormous. I'm now 133kg down from 142 at its peak, my goal was 115, near impossible.

Back to you. All of us overweight people dream of being model size, easy to keep fit whereas we struggle to get up off the floor especially older age. So, there is a few thoughts I have that might help.

1/  I've had 4 long term relationships, the 3 previous ones the lady was very slim, my wife is "cuddly". It's little comfort but as we all age body size become a lower priority, in fact some guys like me prefer the cuddly type. When young I prefer slim like all the others, being honest. 

2/  Humour. Fact- both men and women adore anyone with humour and if you have it, it's gold. A guy will consider a date with a funny lady, less so one thats miserable and snarly. If you have humour keep it going if not develop it is my advice.

3/ Acceptance with effort. We here have a mental health issue so we've learned that accepting our bipolar or ADHD etc is far easier than fighting it. I have an acquaintance 33yo, large lady that 6 years ago was feeling like you but she's really funny. Now she's married with 2 adorable kids. I asked her recently how her depression and diet was going "I deal with depression as it comes and goes and my weight? well I just push away some bacon or one less potato". Her acceptance of her illness and body weight is her key and her efforts measured. I also know she walks daily as far as her legs will carry her. She is an example of - her best is good enough.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/acceptance-is-this-our-biggest-challenge/td-p/14769...

4/ Bullying. I've been bullied in clubs mostly. I'm an easy target with bipolar and under the autism spectrum high functioning. Slowly over time I've learned that these bullies, manipulators, opportunists etc are not healthy to be around. I've slowly eliminated them from my life including a few family members and developed some ideas on that-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/fortress-of-survival-part-2/td-p/399555

The 3 threads are well worth reading but you only need to read the 1st post of each. I'd be very interested in your thoughts.

Replay anytime then wait till I log on again or someone else might help out also.

"A human is unique, we are wonderful... its only other humans standards that create our own expectations..."

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Tiah_

In no way do your challenges come across as trivial. They're genuine challenges that can be deeply felt. It doesn't necessarily matter what leads us to feel the way we do, the fact is we feel it.

As a 54yo gal, I wished I'd worked out decades ago what 'love' means to me. It's only in recent years that I've come to give it some definition I can relate to. For me, love is found in evolution, in more ways than one. When I can feel someone leading me to evolve into being more conscious, leading me to take chances that are going to develop me in some way, leading me to laugh when I'm incredibly down, working to bring out the best in me, touching my soul with their words or actions etc etc, I can feel them loving me. Same in reverse, this is how I tend to love others. It's also how I've come to love myself over time. I think it's important to define love in some way so that we know how to love our self. I think it's also important based on understanding why we're not feeling love from others in the ways that we need to. So, it becomes a matter of 'Me not feeling loved or being loved by you is not necessarily my fault. You just don't know what it takes to love me in all the ways that I can feel'. In some cases, there can be the kinds of people who can lead us to feel like we're standing still with a sense of going nowhere or backwards/downwards, when the objective should be about raising us in a huge variety of ways. If we can define love, we can easily and confidently be able to feel all the people who are doing the opposite of loving us. Yep, can't help but wonder about those people.

As Tony mentions, everyone prefers different types. There are guys or gals who prefer the more cuddly type, just as there are some who prefer people with certain colour hair, skin tone, natures, gender, religious preferences, large bank balances etc. We humans are such a mixed bunch, with our preferences and what/who we're attracted to. While people tend to be grouped, there are some advantages to this. Whether it's a group of blondes or brunettes who all hang out together, groups of certain races, groups of Christians or Buddhists or groups of financially well to do people, there are also groups of people who love cuddly size people. So, sometimes I think we can be looking in the wrong places. If we're looking for someone amongst groups of people who exclude cuddly folk, we're definitely going to feel a sense of exclusion in some cases.

Personally, size doesn't matter to me. I simply tend to find beautiful people beautiful and that's all there is to it. People who are so full of beauty, sensitivity and so much more are the reason the world is still an amazing place in parts. People like you, me and Tony are the reason why I love this world. The only reason why I've personally been working so hard to lose weight (a different factor from appearance) is because my knees just couldn't handle carrying somewhere around 95 kilos anymore. When you've got knees that are pretty much screaming (in pain) 'WE'RE NOT GOING TO SUPPORT YOU FOR MUCH LONGER!!!' it's definitely a call for change.