Will I ever shake it off permanently?

[Red_Robin]

Hi. I am 40 years old and after a controlling marriage of 10 years and PND with my second child it took me a 6 years after the birth to feel like me again.

Well it only lasted 2 years and here I am again. I feel like I cannot escape this horrible darkness. It is affecting my life again.

My job is quite good I like what I do. Unfortunately i hate it though. All I wish is to be able to go to gym and then hide at home. I don't want to socialise or go to work. To make it worse I have had a run in with a manager at work who I know has always disliked me but now she has a reason to be openly rude or 'offstandish to me.' (In a once in a lifetime moment for me- I stood up for myself by speaking back in front of colleagues to her).

Even before this incident I had started to have moments at work where I feel 'off' in my stomach and then it becomes pains and then I feel like I may vomit. I thought it was a virus at the start and was tested 'all clear and in perfect health.' It seems to be getting worse and my desire to want to hide at home is ever increasing.

I feel like a failure who cannot do anything right. I am afraid i will burn my friends out with my negativity at the moment to the point where I say "I had aGreat day/I am well thanks" when they check in on me - which is far from the truth.

I have heaps of CBT training and hate meditating.. I am seeing a psych, I know my thoughts are not rational.

Both my children are now awesome young teens who I am so proud of. I am so scared to let them down as a parent as I did when they were babies. The post natal depression was awful and I struggle with memories and pain from it to this day. I have memory issues so out of nowhere something i had completely forgotten will pop into my mind and it devastates me I could have been that person. I only ever wanted to be a mother and i feel I failed on that. Fortunately they don't remember my absences (hospitalization) but I do. Their father (my ex husband) tells them horrid things from then which they come home and ask about. I am trying so hard to fight this darkness again. I don't want to miss anymore of their lives.

I feel like I am failing at this 'simple' thing called life. I feel a failure and a burden on everybody around me. I know it is not true and is 'headtalk' however I am so tired of fighting it.

[Shaneb76]

I am the same I have a good life but I feel like shit and I am bringing everyone around me down as well

[therising]

Hi Red Robin

I feel for you so much as you try to make sense of things at this point in your life. It seems pretty cruel, hey, how you get a glimpse of the real you and then BAMM, back into the darkness again. What the...?! How's that fair?

As a 48yo mum to 2 beautiful teenagers, I thought my dark days were behind me (covering the whole of my 20s through to my mid 30s). These days, I find myself within the odd bouts of darkness here and there and it scares me, sometimes leading me to think 'What if it becomes permanent one day and I can't get out'. Logically, I know it's my brain doing its thing, as I've educated myself a lot over the years in the way the human brain works. Having somewhat of an education only helps a little, not a lot.

I think the thing which helps me more so involves a different education. When I initially came out of my depression, all those years ago, spirituality found me. No, I didn't find it. Sounds a little weird, I know. I think it was a result of 'a letting go of the ego' thing. I find that the spiritual aspect puts a whole different spin on the darkness. 'The dark night of the soul' is an interesting topic indeed, involving both spiritual and psychological factors. Maybe worth a look-in if you're interested.

I'm sorry to hear your ex is filling your kids' heads with things from days you'd rather would stay forgotten. I believe the best you can do in this case is educate your kids to the best of your ability. This is something I do with my kids, especially by daughter who was about 3 at the time of me coming out of depression. When she occasionally asks me why I have a different connection to her brother, I will tell her that I believe it's because depression left me not long after he was born. With oxytocin levels lower in depression, bonding was difficult for me in her 1st few years of life. I will go on to tell her that she was my reason for living towards the end of my depression. I tell her that she was and still is the light in my life. She is currently studying psychology at school and is developing a better understanding of mental health. It took me some time to forgive myself for not connecting with my daughter in the earlier years of her life. Basically, I was struggling to connect with myself.

Red Robin, I have booked in to see a deeply spiritual guy who has been a great guide for me in the past. I believe he has the answers I seek in the way of ending my soulful internal conflict. Whatever works, hey?!

Take care

[Red_Robin]

Thank you for your reply. It is comforting to know I am not alone.

It is exactly that- how dare the darkness come back. I berate myself for letting it and wonder if I did everything/anything dofferent would that help although I know it is pointless and doesn't help.

I feel robbed off that bond with my youngest - mind you we have a different bond that is very strong. However I wish it were from birth. I hate her to ever think I didn't love her.

Thank you agaon for replying. I wish you well

[Red_Robin]

Hello Shane B76,

I hope you have good friends or someone you can confide in. I have many friends and a psych but I don't really open up to my friends anymore for this reason- I don't want to drag them down too. Or worse, have then get sick of me.

I feel such a burden on society, friends and family.

[Red_Robin]

Just wanting to say some stuff.. Feel free to offer advise if you like. I am failing on my own.

Lately I am having an awareness I am just like my father - Irritable, prefer isolation, nervous and depressed. All my life my father (recovered alcoholic) has been a happy to enjoy company from people then he closes them off/shuts them out and thinks the world hates him.

I am seeing so many similar traits in myself recently. I am closing myself off from friends and get so easily irritated I cannot stand to be around people. My children are my only preferred company.

I am too afraid to be around people as I am afraid to say or do the wrong thing. To then be up at midnight replaying something I said and regretting it. I apologise to the person who thinks the apology is un-necessary.

I don't have the energy to put on a smiley face and don't want to be the sad person dragging the mood down.

I feel one friendship has suffered tremendously. My friend and I always messaged and caught up and now she has new friends and sends an occasional 'hey you how are you. We should catch up' but doesn't commit to a time. I feel I have drained her. She tells me this isn't true. However she is not the same towards me. It was after this i started to crawl into my shell and be afraid to 'damage' any firther friendships. I wondered if i did this but feel i I tried to continue the flow of friendships with a regular hello how is everything. How are you finding.... Blah blah but I would get a one line "we are all great how are you" and then she would not reply further to my response. Every now and rhen I get a message from her out of the blue saying 'you are my dearest and closest friend' nothing else just that. I reply and check in with her. Great to hear from you, thank you. What's been happening. Want to meet up for coffee and get nothing back. 😩

Life is proving very difficult for me. I feel I am not living it 'correctly' and let everyone down.

[Red_Robin]

🌷🌻

Since my first emotional post I have had the implanon removed and been 3 weeks without it. My mind is so much clearer. I do not feel so paranoid and handling work issues better. I am taking a 'I am in control of my actions- not theirs - do my best to be the best me' attitude and mostly finding it easy. I feel like I am almost back to 'me.'

I feel the black cloud is sitting dormant which of course creates a little anxiety that it may resurface any time. But, my head is clear enough and allowing me to breath, and I am able to take it moment a time. Something I couldn't do 3 weeks ago.

I truly hope all is better with me (& anyone caring to read this). I note I am almost not caring about my friendship issues - if they want our friendship it is up to them too attitude. I feel a little heartless this way though like I should try harder to keep the friendship.

Thank you for reading, I think I truly just wanted to express my thoughts. Although I do wonder has anyone had similar scenario where birth control appears to have played with your emotions? 🌞🌷

[therising]

Hi Red Robin

So glad you're feeling the positive impact of having the Implanon removed. Personally, it's the contraceptive pill that messes me around something shocking (mentally). IUD is much better option for me. Amazing how interconnected the body and mind are, with all that chemistry going on.

I'm glad you've found this current insight, recognising the role of chemistry/hormones etc. I believe we're body/mind/spirit creatures and are unique in the ways in which we can feel the imbalance, when the triad is not working in harmony.

Take care

[Red_Robin]

Thank you for replying. I am hoping I am correct!

I had an IUD for 8/9 years and it was wonderful. Then my body rejected it - been searching for solutions since. I am just going with nothing now as I only have the 3 month injection left. I am not seeing anyone so figure I may as well stay off everything for a while and see how my hormones regulate.

I would be so happy if this was the end of depression and anxiety in my life. Could i be so lucky lol.