WASH MY BRAIN

[BADBRAINZ]

I’ve never really sat down and had “real talk” with anyone before. I hate feeling uncomfortable and I’ll avoid confrontational subjects and situations like they are the plague.


I’m 26 and I have slowly become more of a recluse over the years. I feel myself getting more and more distant from my family - and people in general. Besides my parents, any setting with other family members is just plain awkward. It’s getting that way with my parents too though. I have had a partner for over 5 years, we live together. I haven’t had any friends for a couple years now and I mostly don’t even want them. I avoid social settings because staying home alone is more favourable to me than being around others. I know this often upsets my partner and it’s starting to wear thin, I want to be able to compromise.


I have a degree in avoiding my own reflection. I maintain this perfect lighting throughout my home and I get frustrated when my partner turns on the brighter lights or opens the blinds up too far.


I have a number of fears/insecurities about day-to-day stuff that I’ve seen other people mentioning on here, which is comforting. Walking into unfamiliar buildings... Is the door push or pull???? Busy supermarkets = bright lights and a high chance of running into someone I may know and what if they want to stop and talk to me?

It really sucks when you leave your “space” to have all these insecurities and fears consume you and prevent you from doing what seems like the simplest of tasks.


I have no enthusiasm for anything I do or for life really. I don’t understand why I’m like this or what I need to do to try and get better.

[Croix]

Dear BADBRAINZ~

Welcome, this place is not like a meeting with people in person, it is anonymous and safe -and non-judgmental, after all many here had similar experiences.

From your account it looks like you have tried to deal with the matter on your own, and that over time things have got worse, with the sphere in which you are comfortable is shrinking, even to the extent of starting to include your parents.

Yes, being inside that sphere -staying home, controlling hte lighting, not going to gatherings, avoiding shops, all is more comfortable at the moment, but is limiting your life more and more - and your partner is starting ot chafe at these restrictions. It does not have to be that way.

I have had an anxiety condition, along wiht other things, for a long time and can sympathize greatly with your actions. The temptation to feel safe and unstressed is very great. Sadly I did not improve until I had competent medical help, and that was hard to deal with, at least to start with.

So can I suggest you book a long appointment with your GP and say what has been happening for so long? Print out your post if you like. It gives a pretty good idea.

Do you think you could manage that? It is not an instant fix, but can be the start of therapy, and maybe medications, to change you life. It has worked well for me.

Talking of support, does your partner realise how restricted you are now and how you feel? If you can have someone on your side it helps a lot.

Croix

[BADBRAINZ]

Hi Croix,
Thanks for your reply. I definitely have my partner on my side, she’s a great support, I’m very lucky to have somebody like her. She does her best and does try to encourage me to go and talk to somebody - a professional.

She tried talking to my Mum once about her concerns with me. My parents don’t seem to understand a whole lot when it comes to mental health. Then when my Mum tried to talk to me about things, she was very condescending and there was a lot of “you had a good childhood”, “you were spoilt as a kid” etc. Completely doesn’t understand and I don’t think she wants to or can. My relationship with my parents is at the point where I don’t want them to understand, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want them to know anything. I’ve never felt so disconnected from people.


I have a bit of a stubborn attitude and tend to see “taking the next step” as weak and stupid. Then denial, everything’s fine, I’m fine.


Thanks for your time 🙂 I needed to hear some of that.

[White_Rose]

Dear BADBRAINZ

Hello and welcome to the forum. I find I go through periods of wanting to stay home alone, which is a bit easier for me as I live alone. Sometimes it takes a real effort to go out. I know that the longer I stay alone the more difficult it is to be part of the 'outside world'.

I have made various commitments to be part of different activities. I don't always get there and I tell myself I have a good excuse. Rarely is this true unless I am unwell. Living on my own means I must go shopping or starve so that's an incentive. I pick my time to avoid crowds.

A group of women meet at my home for discussion and this brings the outside in. Again the only excuse is being unwell. It amazes me almost every time after they have left how much I better I feel. Tired yes, but so much more alive and outward looking. Being in the company of those you like and who like you, participating in whatever we discuss is great stimulation. You can take antidepressants, which do help a little, but nothing beats the company of others.

OK I have my networks set up and this took time, while you are retreating more and more. In the end it is your choice. Your partner can support you going to see your local GP or any other medical person, go shopping etc but only you can step out of the door. It can be scary I know. My home is my sanctuary and I like to return. What I don't want is for my home to become my prison.

Too much opportunity to brood, focus on the perfect environment and avid real life. Yep, been there. I think for me it was the need to go to work which was my best help. I learned to make adjustments to my interactions with others because that was necessary. No matter how I felt I was part of a group and needed to contribute. I also enjoyed my job.

I know you are not in this position. Sometimes knowing what others do, even though it's not suitable for you, can spark something you can do. The hardest part is stepping over the doorstep. Having someone with you is a help and encouragement. Plan a walk together even just round the block. Go to the park and feed the ducks. Try activities that do not involve anyone other than your partner, then try them alone. It sounds easy I know and it's not. You must gather up all your courage to start and sadly no one can do this for you.

Please continue to post here.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear BADBRAINZ~

While I feel sad your parents are taking a defensive and non helpful attitude I'm delighted your partner is so much for you. That is pure gold -as I found out.

The idea of seeking medical help as weak is one a fair few people have. I guess they expect it is is an "easy way our", or a "quick fix".

Let me give you a parallel. Suppose you had something physically wrong and had to stay in hospital for a long time. As you improved occupational therapists and physiotherapists would start to build you up, and that is not easy, it's hard work and goes on until your body is back in shape.

Having a mental condition is hte same, you go see the doctor, you might get to see a psychologist -or a psychiatrist. The sessions are hard work. I've come out too exhausted to travel home. Then you may be given exercises to do for next time.

It is not a case of swallowing a magic pill all by itself and all problems go away though meds can certainly help a lot of people. So please be persuaded and go seek medical help.

Denial dose not fool either you or anyone that knows you, it puts things off. You can get a better, broader and happier life (for your partner too).

Croix