Unsure of myself

[Lost_Alone]

Hey, 

I’m feeling really lost, empty, anxious and unsure of myself. There have been lots of changes in my life over the past few years. I am trying to support my child who has mental

health issues and I am struggling to keep myself afloat at the same time. I don’t feel like I can share with anyone and haven’t yet been able to get a referral to see someone. 
I worry lots and feel like I’ve lost my voice with everything , like

i don't matter and I am just here to be used by those around me. I am teary more often and I am losing the enjoyment I once had for activities. While I know plenty of what to do things to help with my mental health I still feel like the remedies are short lived and I am so profoundly impacted by those around me. 
I feel so alone. 

[therising]

Hi Lost_Alone

Sometimes I think one of the hardest thing to do in life is work out how to ask others to raise us. Over the years, with my mental health, I've worked out that the need to be raised doesn't just stop once we stop being a kid. Being raised by others can be a lifetime experience.

While it's not necessarily all that difficult at times to raise someone out of being too grounded and into more highs in life, to raise someone out of a depression can sometimes mean double the work. I've kinda come to see life as being on 3 levels. If you can imagine, there are highs, a sense of grounding and there are lows or depressions. If a depression involves low energy, dark or negative challenging thoughts, dark and challenging inner dialogue, a lack of positive vision, a sense of instability or insecurity, then the goal is to make it 'above ground', out of that depression. In feeling 'grounded', the energy levels are somewhat higher, the thoughts or perceptions are altered, the inner dialogue is more helpful, vision becomes somewhat clearer and there is some sense of stability and security etc. The next level of course is high, where energy levels are very high, perception is crystal clear, inner dialogue creates a flow and vision is brilliant. A lack of grounding can sometimes be a problem in this case and may need to be managed.

If you're the person who's always raising others to feel more grounded or raising others to experience highs in life, who's raising you? It can be hard and exhausting work, raising other people. It can take a lot of energy. It can be hard to be completely honest with people. To be able to say to specialists helping your daughter 'Honestly, I can't see what you're doing is making any difference' or to be able to say to friends or family 'Honestly, I can feel myself slipping into a depression' or 'I can feel myself drowning' would be a challenge. With you being a raiser of others, sometimes it's about raising their consciousness, so that they begin to see what they need to start seeing, that you need help, support, a sense of grounding and even the occasional high. Look around and tell me how many people are as conscious as you are or as devoted as you are when it comes to raising others? Would you say there are people in your life who need a wake up call?

[sbella02]

Lost_Alone,

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through, and I warmly welcome you to the forums. As somebody who periodically struggles with some of what you've described, I can offer my own lived experience and what generally makes me feel better and gets me out of the toxic cycle of depression.

Firstly, I'd like to commend you on supporting your child through their struggles whilst also dealing with your own. It takes a great inner strength to be able to do this, even if you feel like it's becoming impossible. 

Is there anyone else in your life you may be able to open up to or seek support and insight from? Social support can do wonders for our wellbeing, if there are any loved ones who you would feel comfortable opening up to. 

I would also encourage you to think about short-term remedies in a different way. I'm like you in that I've often thought that smaller coping mechanisms and techniques that offer a little boost of happiness or relief aren't meaningful in the long run but, to be honest, I've learnt these can be revolutionary in helping us take small steps towards ultimately feeling better. Starting your day with a walk, for instance, or meditation. If you encourage yourself to find the strength to do these kinds of things each day, provided you have the time and space, these can serve as means of motivation for you to take larger steps. 

There's nothing inherently wrong with feeling teary, either. I'm a big believer in listening to what our bodies need, and often that's one way to do that, is to cry when we feel like we need to. It can be therapeutic to release our emotions in this way, too. 

With regards to losing enjoyment for activities, I relate so strongly as I've been there many times in my life. As much as it can feel like a hassle or a chore, or if we feel like we aren't getting the same joy from activities that used to excite us, stopping these activities entirely may intensify this lack of enjoyment. Motivation can often come from action, and with motivation often comes joy. Perhaps alternating between activities, or finding new activities and then coming back to old ones, may be beneficial for giving you a renewed sense of enjoyment for them.

I hope there's something in my advice that resonates with you, and we're always here to support you if you need to chat with us some more. Nobody deserves to feel empty or anxious. 

Take care, SB

[Lost_Alone]

Thank you for your reply. My poor emotional brain found that a challenge to digest tonight. 
My mother and my boyfriend do try to help raise me but it is intermittent and I often feel like too much of a burden to share my deeper thoughts and needs. 
The situation here has been complicated for some time which adds to

my feelings of isolation. My daughter has been verbally aggressive towards me and others, the same people who I would reach to for help, and I feel that I need to protect them too. I feel like the whipping post. 
in calmer times I have tried to talk to my daughter about these things and sometimes those conversations are positive. Unfortunately things don’t seem to improve for long. 

[Lost_Alone]

Thank you so much for your reply. 

I know that I have inner strength though I’m

really not sure how I have any left. I constantly try to hold myself together while trying to be aware of and supportive of the needs of everyone around me. 
I am studying mindfulness so that I can help others as well as myself. I am trying to alternate between activities in the hope of reigniting the spark I once felt. 
I am just exhausted from it all. 
i cant see a way through the problems with my daughter and the constant negative impact it is having on my relationship and daily life. It’s not always bad when it’s just the two of us but I am always on tender hooks. 
I get frustrated with my own weakness when I cry. I have few moments alone when I can actually let go. Most of the time the tears are just stuck. 

[therising]

Hi Lost_Alone

Do you feel one of the challenges you face is to find your voice, in ways like never before? While having mentioned expressing yourself through honesty, which can be hard to do, there can be other ways of finding our voice or expressing our self

• Creativity: Expressing parts of our self through creative writing, artwork, poetry etc
• Journaling: This can help in making better sense of how we're thinking and feeling (when reading back what we've expressed on paper)
• Expressing intolerance: This can be so hard to achieve when we're so devoted to pleasing and caring for others. I've found it takes a lot of practice before it becomes easier to be able to do this
• 'Sing like no one's listening' is part of a quote that offers liberating advice. If we feel more comfortable in the knowledge that no one's home when we choose to sing, then sing because no one's listening. Raise the volume on the stereo to a song that brings out the diva in you. Whether it's 'I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor or a more fitting song in your life that reflects your own situation and power, pound that song out like a legend. Over time, you may develop a playlist and perhaps even expand to try karaoke in public
• Talk therapy. This can also include group therapy, where we're encouraged to share thoughts and feelings with others who can relate and support us
• Expressing our self through an online support network
• Developing the ability to express our self through tears, in front of others. This one can take a fair bit of strategy, with the right kind of inner dialogue being a part of the strategy. The wrong kind of inner dialogue for this would be 'Don't show weakness'. I'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes

'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love'    -Washington Irving

[sbella02]

Lost_Alone,

Mindfulness is a great addition to everyday activities, it can really help to remind us of what exists in the present moment. Particularly for persistent worries that are related to either the past or the future, mindfulness is often really good for grounding us and drawing our attention away from these.

With regards to your daughter, is there any way that you both would be able to schedule in designated time together, if you don't already? Whether it's a shared meal, going for a walk, sitting down and having a coffee together, this quality time can be really good for strengthening relationships, and it may also serve as a subtle means of reminding her that you're there for her through her struggles, regardless of whether it's your company or your advice that you're offering.

Let us know your thoughts, if you're willing to keep chatting with us.