Struggling to find my new normal

[k8_l]

Hi there,

I know it is a really difficult time for everyone at the moment, but I am seriously struggling with the feeling of being trapped and removed from my routines. I have a job that I love and that keeps me grounded and at the moment I can't do my job. I have a young son who I adore and am now at home with full time. I know I need to be strong for him but am just feeling so anxious all the time. Today I've been in tears a lot of the day which isn't fair to him, I can't stop the anxious feeling in my gut.

I guess I'm asking for help to find a new normal while I'm at home without my support network or my routines?

Thanks in advance

[jess334]

Hi K8_l,

I'm sorry that you aren't able to do your job right now. I returned to work last year and it has been my lifeline! I love spending time with my young son, but at work I get to be around adults and use my brain properly instead of just singing the same nursery rhyme 10 times in a row. Plus when I'm at work I am kept so busy that I don't have time for anxiety.

I have to start working from home next week and the idea of being at home 24/7 scares me a little. I've decided to build a new routine for me to follow each day. Nothing too complicated, but every day I am going to try and include some exercise, some outside time, and some down time just for me.

I also feel guilty when I show anxiety or sadness in front of my son, but my psychologist keeps telling me it's good for him to see how adults cope with all different emotions, not just the 'good' ones. Teaching kids that everyone feels sad and anxious sometimes will help them with their own emotions.

Do you have any ideas of what you would like to do in your new routine?

[therising]

Hi k8_l

I truly feel for you as you struggle with the challenges you face in this new lifestyle.

It's certainly a confusing time, a really testing one too. 'What do I do with the time I have and the environment I find myself in?' is a question that seems stuck on repeat. Dealing with so much loss on top of it, can really mess with us in many ways.

Jess offers you much sage advice and I agree with her psychologist about being able to show our kids a range of emotions. I have a 14yo son and a 17yo daughter and it was only a couple of nights ago I came home from work and broke down in my daughters arms. A lot of little challenges had been piling up and I never realised to what extent. I spoke to her yesterday about that really challenging belief system 'Always be strong for your kids'. She told me that she believes me to be the strongest person she knows and how much it means to her to be able to give back to me what I have given her for years - love and support in moments where it is so deeply needed. To share such a moment of fragility is what connects us as carers for each other.

I've told my kids that next week we will be doing a range of things off a 'go to' activity list we'll be creating together. Will definitely have to be inventive. As the saying goes 'Necessity is the mother of invention'. I've been training myself and my kids for years through the mantra 'Instead of focusing on stress, try to see this moment as an opportunity to rise to a challenge'. We all have our hit and miss moments but it remains a mantra worth mastering. My goal is to have my kids look back in life and say 'I continuously raised myself (through challenges) to be the person I am today'. This may sound a little idealistic but having experienced depression earlier in my life for a number of years, I wish to gift my kids the mindset to help them avoid such sufferance.

Are there a number of things you've been meaning to do around the house but have never had the time to do? What about some outside the square things? Seriously outside the square could involve painting one seriously long colourful mural on the fence in your back yard if you have one. This would take weeks, which is a good thing given the circumstances. Maybe you and your son could even consider learning Tai Chi or Yoga together, off Youtube. A balance of relaxation and activity is important in life.

Ask your son for some ideas, for a list. Give him some of the power to raise you. Kids are amazing people!

Take care

[k8_l]

Thanks Jess.

I guess I don't know what I want my routine to be. My son is only 20 months so asking him what he wants is hard.
I'm also just so mentally blocked by my anxiety. I literally can't make simple decisions. I am a planner and am feeling anxious over the constant lack of plans in my day. It's a vicious cycle.

All I want to do is go and see my mum or my friends which of course isn't possible. I just can't get past the thought in my head "what if this goes on for 6 months?"

What do your routines look like?

[k8_l]

Thank you 'therising'

I would so love to ask my son but he is just a bit young. I wish I was able to get out of my head and be creative for him.

I love your advice of trying to see the moment. I will endeavour to do this more. But just can't seem to shake the anxiety in my gut.

[RJ_3]

Hi k8_l

I know what you mean about feeling anxious and trapped. My work situation changed before the school holidays and I'm not sure what will happen afterwards which is very unsettling. Do you have work friends you could keep in contact with? I have some great work friends and we've been checking in on each other and sending funny little messages to keep each other going.

I found myself so overwhelmed when my work changed and my psychologist said not to give myself a hard time about feeling anxious, that's perfectly understandable at this time. It's just we feel it more acutely than some people and that's the thing to work on. He always says being kind to yourself is the first thing and most important thing to do. His other suggestion is diaphragmatic breathing, which when I remember to do it in the midst of everything I always find really helpful. I once read in a novel that it's impossible to panic of you're really deep breathing. I've used this in all sorts of situations and so far I've found it to be true.

Your son must constantly bring you joy. And I wouldn't worry about being upset in front of him. You sound like a terrific mum that you care so much. My son is a lot older than yours, just turned 22 and he has just started working from home. Yesterday was a real struggle for him with clients being really abusive on the phone and none of the usual support of colleagues or team leaders to look to. So I decided my job was to look after him as best I can, bring him a cup of tea, be a listening ear of her needs it. I know it's in a different way, but making sure your boy is extra okay at this time could be a focus for you maybe. We're still allowed to go out to exercise so maybe extra walks with him could help.

I've also made a list of all the things I can still do, instead of focusing on what I can't. And also all the things I'm grateful for right now. Your #1 would have to be your son of day

[RJ_3]

Hi again k8_l

I'm sorry, I accidentally pressed post while I was trying to fix an autocorrect problem. Anyway, I was trying to say, I'm sure your son would be #1 on your list of things to be grateful for. And I hope the rest makes sense. Please let us know how you're going if you feel up to it.

[k8_l]

Thank you! Yes your advice made lots of sense.

My son is my #1 reason for wanting to change my mindset. I am trying to come up with a new routine and some things I want to do around the house. Hopefully this will help.

I'm trying to focus on the moment and not think too far ahead.

Thanks again.

[hob2]

sounds like U found a way, we all here, are in support of U.