So much worry
Hi. I have overwhelming feelings of dread and fear. I have a gambling secret that I am getting help for now but I haven’t told my wife and I’m scared she will find out. We have a little girl as well and I am petrified that I will lose her.
i am sure it will all work out but I just can’t shrug off these feelings of fear and what if.
anywY that’s my story in short.
I understand. My wifes step father passed away last year and was a addicted gambler. Unfortunately over a 8 year period prior to his death he drained a lot of my MIL's assets that led to her not able to afford her own aged care and other costs prior to her death which also happened last year. Inheritance of course sufferer damage to the children and so on.
My wife and I went to a meal last week. That night we decided on this rare event to do the pokies. We set aside $50 each. At the end of the night we'd lost that $100 plus $20 more. So why couldnt we stop at the $100?- temptation. Why am I explaining this? because although not addicted we still went over our limit. Whether thats $20 or $20,000 its the same principle.
The worry you are experiencing now is likely not going to stop until you come clean to your wife. It will take courage but you can also look at this with a positive attitude in terms of - facing the music and then it will lead to one of two results- 1/ she'll not forgive you or 2/ she'll join you on your challenge to be remorseful and change your lifestyle.
Faith is a word that comes to mind for your wife. In my experience it will be tough for her to trust you again. IMO the best thing you can do is trust her- leave all your finances into her management. This is a hard thing for addicts to carry out but it will prove to her that you trust her more than yourself.
Can you consider that?
So, when you break the news to her , initially I wouldnt tell her about such plans. Firstly allow her to get over the shock and let out her anger/disappointment. Then once settled own, open up a folder with your plan. In that folder will be your new lifestyle which might include ideas like -
- Her taking over management of your household income
- Not having meals at venues with pokie machines, horses betting etc
- Remove all computer gambling apps and install locking devices
- Not even a flutter on Melbourne cup or similar
- Have goals for a financial plan. Include in those goals, new goals like saving for a caravan or other recreation (remember this is a new lifestyle to distract you from gambling filling your mind)
- Attend a GP (with your wife) to address any depression or anxiety symptoms
- Reassess any career/employment desires.
- If living in the city consider a regional move to a country environment
What do you think?
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for being open here. I can see that you are feeling very conflicted. You have your love for gambling on one side and your family on the other.
I know it is so difficult telling people you love but sometimes it puts so much weight off our shoulders. Communication is key in a relationship. Sometimes it is better to communicate rather than them find out. it can cause a lot less conflict.
Tony has given a few tips on how you can deal with your current situation 🙂
Stay safe and i am always here to chat.
Hello Hopetobehappy, Tony has made some good points and if money has been missing due to your gambling habit, then she will find out, so it's better you come clean, it won't be bad, but include that you are getting counselling for this.
She can manage to help you by managing the money, that's if she can and wants to.
I know a champ who had won $thousands on the pokies, but instead of taking it out, he thought he might win some more, later on, he lost everything and came out crying, how was he going to tell his girlfriend, since then, she manages all the money and allows him $20 and tells the staff to keep on eye on him as she used to work there.
Some people can cope with this but it's like being addicted to alcohol, if you can't have one drink and then stop, it's not wise to even do this, the same applies to gambling.
It might solve many problems if you are able to discuss this with her.
Firstly, I think it is great that you have realised that you need help and have sought out that help. From my friends own experiences being honest and have open communication with their partner has been so incredibly helpful. I think that it can be seen as more respectful to be open or honest to someone rather than them finding out on their own.
I really wish you the best, we are definitely here for you! Please keep us updated if you feel comfortable to do so!