Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Moonstruck]

Thanks for your reply Ems.   Moonlight and sunrise...people I know seem to love sunrises, posting photos of them etc.  to me even though they look so peaceful and serene at the beginning of the day....for sure someone or something or some dreadful global event or disaster as the world is prone to at the moment....will come along and spoil the serenity.  It doesn't last long. Give me sunsets and the following velvety darkess to follow.  I always liked the poem that is read out in Sophie's Choice (with Meryl Streep) when their friend finds Sophie and Nathan entwined, dead in each other's arms......he reads "Ample make this bed, make this bed with awe.

In it, wait, till judgement break, excellent and fair.

Be its mattress straight, be its pillow round

Let no sunlight, yellow noise, interrupt this ground."

[amd1953]

Greetings therising,

Carl Jung referred to that transformative process as individuation.   I believe it to be a lifelong ambition.   I suppose it could be measured by how much effort we invest into it.   There is something beyond the simple physical aspect of life.   I think that most people are afraid of delving too deeply into the spiritual realm because it carries them into the great unknown.   We are programmed to work to live and to keep our eyes on the daily need to preserve our lives rather than looking beyond the mundane to the fantastic.   It is like the poor man who keeps his eyes on the ground hoping to find a coin or two to keep him going until the next day.   We are so absorbed with that raw aspect of life that we ignore everything else.   Money has never been a great concern of mine because I have always had enough for what I need rather than accumulating wealth for its own sake.   You can only spend so much money in a lifetime, and I think that life gives us what we need rather than what we want.  My grandparents lived through two great world wars and were very humble and appreciated everything they had.  They always had enough to get by as in food and shelter and enjoyed the simple pleasures of life rather than longing for something they would never have or ever use.   Their influence has rubbed off on me because greed has never been a part of my psyche.   I like to see other people happy because I have lived through the depths of depression with my own experiences, and I know that being happy does not always equate to earthly desires.   If happiness is the ultimate measure of life, then I have surpassed my wildest dreams because I can live quietly and peacefully without needing or wanting any more than I am entitled to.   I love where I live now because it is quiet and peaceful, and I ask for nothing else than to maintain this for as long as I can.   The gold in this life means helping others where we can without expecting anything in return

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

I love the spiritual side of life for it asks us to imagine, to wonder, to consider things outside the square, to maintain a sense of awe and more. It asks that we exercise many of the abilities we had from the beginning, when we were little. I think this is one of the reasons I feel drawn to Pessoa. He exercised such things so brilliantly. When I think of him I also think of an amazing book called 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Catto's idea is that we live with so many different elements of ourself that go toward making up the whole of who we are. Such elements come to life at different times and under different circumstances. They will sound different and feel different from each other. Our inner pessimist is not going to sound and feel the same as the optimist in us. Our inner sage is not going to sound and feel the same as the stresser in us, that can lead us to anxiety. The romantic or the dreamer in us is going to sound and feel completely different from the 'matter of fact' part of us. Pessoa not only imagined different elements of himself, he specifically named them, gave them further identity and a life of their own and he wrote through them. A brilliant imagination tamed through a great sense of consciousness. If I was given a choice between letting certain elements of myself get the better of me or channeling such elements at will, I would choose the latter.

It is great to have those in our life who can give us different perspectives, such as your grandparents. If we were taught to see enormous amounts of money and objects as the only source of happiness then we'd suffer through lacking enormous amounts. While my grandmother raised my mum and her siblings through poverty, my mum passed on what she learned. While aiming for the stars, it's also important to understand how to live a simple life. 

It is definitely gold to offer relief to someone and feel that relief in them, to offer guidance and feel another person's new found sense of direction, to offer a different way of imaging life and feel a person come to life more through their imagination. One of the most heartfelt and joyful things to be found in life is feeling someone move beyond suffering and hardship.

[amd1953]

Hi therising,

I think being a part of this world at the moment is unnecessarily fractious due to a disturbance in the matrix.  Thinking of your comment about the simple life here.   Is there such a thing in this postmodern world?   I wonder.

I wonder too if there is another species in this universe that makes more trouble for itself than this one.   I see it as all just a game that people play when they are bored with life.   If this really is the only one (life) that we have then what a complete waste being forced to deal with such nonsense.   Now I am thinking of a nice cosey cave in the desert where I might escape this whole thing instead of being planted in the middle of it.   If not the middle, then on the periphery of this spider's web.   One false step might bring it all tumbling down.   I can understand why some people tire of such antics and long to be somewhere else.   The problem is that we are all prisoners of a false hope.   Are we really who we proclaim to be or just some kind of neurotic offset of our collective imaginations?   Only time will tell.   Nietzsche assured us that pain and suffering are good for the human soul.   What doesn't kill us will eventually make us stronger.   Perhaps holding our feet to the fire will make us all squirm a bit.

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

I've heard it said before that perhaps the most powerful thing we possess is an imagination. Such a thing has the ability to make a hell of heaven and a heaven of what can definitely feel like hell on earth at times. I suppose some of it comes down to knowing how the matrix works. Becoming conscious bit by tiny bit definitely helps. While I don't keep a journal myself, I can understand why people do. It Kind of comes a bit of an instructional manual, where you learn as you go along and report in that manual (journal) what you've learned. I swear I've forgotten half the stuff I've learned in life. Some lessons are tough, hey, where you vow to never forget the revelations that come to you. Still, I can forget until a similar challenge rolls around again, serving as a reminder.

Being the most conscious species comes with its own challenges. So much to be conscious of. Some of it is definitely nonsense, silliness. Some of it is amusing. Some is depressing or anxiety inducing. Some is fascinating, wonderful and soulful. So much to choose from. I can recall a revelation some time ago that I found to be amusing in a way. What came to mind is 'One person's version of sanity can appear insane to another'. With this in mind, I came to happily accept my insanity. I came to happily imagine a recluse in me which occasionally insists 'Time to yourself is vital, so as to save your sanity at times', a financial manager in me that insists 'You can't afford to wonder about buying that', a wonderful part of me full of wonder that demands 'Don't jump to conclusions, wonder instead' and a whole collection of chatty parts of myself. If anyone was to hear out loud what goes on in my mind at times, I would definitely sound insane. At the end of the day, a group conference can make a positive difference to me. So, you could say I'm positively insane 😁. I think we find what works for us. I feel sorry for all the 'normal' people on occasion, who tend to see life in such a 'normal' way. I tend to find 'normal' rather unexciting.

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

The older I become, the more I find myself contemplating the not-so-distant future.   The realisation that hits me so hard is that I can no longer regard myself as being even remotely middle-aged.   However, a few years ago, my GP told me that I was indeed still a young man.   At the time, I felt like asking him who he thought he was kidding.

However, moving on.   As a matter of fact, I have just discovered that middle aged covers the age range from 40 to 65.   Heavens above!   Humans love categorising everything don't we?   When we find a new idea, it has to be immediately catalogued and labeled in true professional form.   The imagination can be a powerful ally or a cunning enemy.   Having us believe one thing over another.   Times like that demand much critical thinking.   I find that it is impossible to convey to another person how quiet it is here at night.   You would not think that there was another living person within fifty miles.   The truth of it is, I am surrounded by far more people than I would wish to be.   I could sell this house and look for something else, but that idea quickly chills the blood in my heart as the mere thought of giving up this place brings on a panic attack.   Besides, this is my spiritual home, and it means the world to me.   The one good thing is that my neighbours leave me in peace so for that much I am grateful.

I have never had many friends.   Even as a child, I felt quite out of any social scene I was expected to be inhabiting.   Living in a small English village during the 50's and 60's is probably responsible for my restricted outlook on life.   But that is something that I do not worry about now.   Some of the memories of that distant past are pleasant while others should be forgotten for all time.

Best wishes

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

Yes, we definitely have a tendency to categorise just about everything. Even if we're unsure about something, it'll go in the 'not sure' file or 'research at a later date' file. We're funny creatures at times. While that computer processor up there in our head loves to process/compute/identify/categorise so much, it's nice to escape it at times to some degree. When I think of the lemon tree in my backyard, I love to simply witness it, admire it, smell the lemon blossoms and feel contented by it all. Such a difference from visually measuring whether it needs to be pruned, whether the curl of the leaves is indicating gore wasp infestation, whether the colour's suggesting a watering etc. No wonder we can become mentally exhausted at times. 'Does the tree need seeing to? Does my car need a service? Is the water bill due soon? How much money's in the bank? How do I 'measure up' in social situations? How old am I? How much do I weigh/am I a healthy weight?' and on and on it goes. I've come to realise that the greatest sense of peace can be found in thoughtlessness.

I think the reason I love the imagination so much is because it can involve not having to consciously think. While we may initially think 'Where would I like to go, in my imagination?' and then calculate the most satisfying destination, the rest can unfold naturally, without conscious thought. For example, I could imagine walking through a forest. As I walk, I turn to my left and there is a rabbit. I did not consciously think the rabbit up, it's just there. Then I could come across the most amazing outstanding tree, which I did not think up. It is just there. It's like all these things simply exist in this imagined forest. I am just visiting for a time.

It's truly a blessing to not have to imagine one of the most peaceful places on earth when, in reality, we can feel ourself living in it. Another gift involves not having to imagine the most fascinating of conversations with warm, friendly, soulful and inspiring people when, in reality, we find ourself within such conversations. Life is filled with blessings or gifts that, once imagined, become real. 🙂

[amd1953]

Greetings therising,

The ongoing conflict between reality and imagination will always provide an entertaining narrative.   To discuss this relationship on something like a forum where our readers are always anonymous make the experience even more mysterious.   I am constantly holding my breath in case I say something out of line that upsets someone.   What a pity life itself is not controlled and censored instead of just on forums such as this.   In the real world, the comments are out there before we know it whereas on here there is someone vigilantly patrolling to ensure that none of us overstep the mark.   We want the experience to look nice and for a short time we behave ourselves and follow the rule book.   If only we had guiding angels sitting on our shoulders advising what to do and what not to do at the right times.   Suggesting to us that if we value our sanity, that comment or that action might not be the wisest choice.   The only place we can be truly free is within our own minds.   In there, we are free to think whatever we choose to think, and reality takes a back seat.   But if our words are worth anything then self-regulation is always in order.   Can we attain purity of thought as long as we remain human.   All too human!

[amd1953]

I write to anyone who will listen to me.   Perhaps I have nothing much to say to anyone.   They can be the judge of that.   If I think I am writing to someone then it is easier to write because there is a chance of some feedback.   When I sit in front of my computer, I write to no one in particular and it is just as well that no one does.

I find that I have to write because for me it is like breathing.   I awake any hour of the day and night and when I do I have to sit down and write something.   Pessoa had a passion for writing and in saying that a deep desire to communicate with people he could not always see.   Apparently, he left a trunk stuffed with his writing on anything that came to hand.   He wrote The Book of Disquiet and a book of poems.   Everything else went into this trunk as a kind of archive of his thought.   I think I read that there were 25,000 individual pieces of writing.   Observations and notes, poetry and philosophical considerations.   What a collection it must have been when first discovered and to be able to read it would have been a blessing.

As a child, I read more than I wrote and now, in old age, the trend has reversed.   My eyesight is not very good.   Good enough to see what I am writing on my computer because I can enlarge the text.   Reading is possible to an extent, but I find that I can only read a page at a time of sitting.   Sometimes a little more and other times a little less.   I know I should make an appointment to have my eyes tested and maybe even new spectacles.   When I think about driving there and back, I have a panic attack and that is the end of that.   I hate driving and I dislike other drivers.   Not personally, of course.   Just the way some people drive.   I would much rather stay at home and rest my poor nerves.   I will probably never drive my car again if I am lucky.   That could be my way of helping to save the planet.   I would like to think so.   When I was young, my whole life stretched out in front of me.   Now, it has all passed far too quickly but it is not enough to complain about such trivialities.    I wish my imagination could spirit me away somewhere very distant.   Being earthbound is not as much fun as it should be.

amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

That little 'angel on the shoulder' you mention leads me to think of so many things imagined, when it comes to such a form of quiet yet significant guidance. If one wishes to question, which imagined theory is correct when something says to us 'Whatever you do, do not say what you're about to say' vs 'You are fully entitled to express yourself however you wish'?

• Some choose to imagine such a simple yet reliable form of guidance as 'angel on one shoulder vs devil on the other'
• Some choose to imagine actual divine guidance vs not so divine guidance
• Some choose to imagine intuition speaks to them vs the voice of pure logic, two halves of the brain in play
• Some choose to imagine their inner sage being of guidance vs some self entitled facet or some intolerant facet wishing to fully express itself

and the list goes on. That's one thing about the imagination, it gives us the freedom to choose what works for us. We don't have to pick a divine concept, we don't have to choose to believe there are many facets to us, we don't have to pick the less romantic theory of the brain interacting with itself and us being stuck in the middle of that. We have the freedom to pick and choose and I like the idea of such freedom. At the end of the day, we may choose to imagine it's the sage in us insisting 'Words are powerful, so be careful with the words you choose' or 'If our words are worth anything then self regulation is always in order'. That sage is a wise one 🙂

I once heard a most fascinating take on 'the power of words'. I wish I could recall who spoke of this, so that I could give them full credit. Before words are formed, we having nothing more than symbols, such as A, B, C, D, E etc. Each language has their own unique lot of symbols (characters or alphabet). Put each symbol together in specific ways and we have spelling. Then put words together to form sentences and there is more complex spelling. Lead a person to fully believe in certain sentences and there is the most complex form of 'spelling' or spell casting there is. A parent may say to a child, from the beginning of that child's life, 'Let me spell it out for you; you are hopeless, you will never amount to anything, you are a waste of space and should never have been born'. Over and over, day after day, the parent casts this horrendous spell over that little person. The child grows into an adult and continues to suffer through it in so many ways until a psychologist breaks the spell. Suddenly, the adult and that child within them come to life. On the other hand, we have parents who cast the most beautiful and empowering beliefs through their words. Those who are careful or conscious of the words they cast out understand the power of them.