Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[Moonstruck]

Thanks for writing Ems.  I was so pleased to get your fascinating words and thoughts about the Moon.   I really don't know anything about astronomy...in fact the other readers on here shortened my original name "Moonstruck" to Moon but doesn't bother me.   Its actually one of my very favourite and significant movies..Moonstruck...with Cher, Nicholas Cage etc.  But yes I am enchanted with the Moon and feel "safer" once the sun starts going down....as if no one can see me, judge me, "get me"....Its dark gentle and quiet...well always has been for me.   I have also shared wonderful moments with a significant other at various times through my life under a Full Moon (magic!) and always do a watered down version of a Full Moon Ritual when you're supposed to be able to "rid yourself" of unwanted or negative things from your life......so I write 3 things, emotions, not actual people I wish harm to....things like "Fear of......"Guilt.....envy of......Worry about...etc etc....then burn the little piece of paper I've written them on, strike a match and burn it outside under the full moon (naturally taking safety into consideration) until its a tiny curled up piece of ash...Love Moonstruck

[Emotions26]

Hello Moonstruck,

Luna, Lunatic, Lunar all words that draw me back to ancient times which is when I wish that I had been born if I have not already been there. Who knows!

The moon fascinates me and yes at times is calming when out in the night air. 

Interestingly, a friend of mine said exactly the same as you about feeling safer once the the sun sets; daylight fades and the strong sense of not being visible takes over.  That is the time that she goes outside .

I must try the ridding of negativity exercise. 

Years ago someone told me to do that very exercise with the name of a person whose energy had overpowered me too many times.

(I need to be careful as I absorb the energy of others).

Write the name on a piece of paper; screw it up tight and then place it in glass. Light a match set the paper alight and let it burn out within the glass.

It did not work she is a former relative and still spreads her evil by all accounts.

Dark energies alarm me and I find since self isolating all the more; withdrawing from most people that I am not exposed to as many.

I do like Cher as a singer not an actress though.

Nicholas Cage now he is intriguing.

Moonstruck, lovesick and everything else that the enigmatic moon brings with it.

May your moon hold you safely.

Take care

Ems

[Emotions26]

Saluti

Where is amd? 

Is he busy delving into the innards of his new laptop?

Is he creating masterpieces of writing?

Is he totally absorbed by Pessoa?

Is he finally catching up on much needed sleep?

Is he lost for words?

Is he needing space?

Is he responding and then deleting his efforts that do not match his harsh criticisms of self? 

Whatever, wherever, whenever. 

The bluebirds of happiness are tapping on your window. 

I found: 

In the book Journal of a Solitude, the poet May Sarton once wrote that

 “Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is richness of self.”

Poetry’s relationship to solitude is paradoxical: while many poets savour the isolation needed to write their best work, the finished product will ideally create connection, or even community. 

Now those words sing to me.

Reply when you are ready to only.

Prenditi cura di te e sii gentile con te stesso L'uccello azzurro mi farà sapere quando sei visibile  Che le stelle ti illuminino

Each mystical star     Ems

[Emotions26]

Postscript 

Moonstruck, I just realised that I did not do the burning under a moon let alone a full one!

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

Very astute and cute.   I love the way you teased out the truth from me of where I was hiding.   Of course, it was all of those reasons and more.   Well, not so much hiding as a tactical retreat from reality.   I decided to take my submarine out of mothballs and take her for a spin.  Instead of heading off in one of a thousand directions, I flooded the ballast tubes and sank slowly to the seabed where I played three-dimensional chess with a very clever octopus.   He beat me, of course.   Goes without saying.   But now I have returned with gold in great store, and I never shall play the wild rover no more.   You may recognise that last line from a very popular Australian folksong.   Moving on!   I find that I need to disappear from time to time.   I have been reading Arthur Schopenhauer and what he has to say about self-sufficiency.   Music to my ears.   Talking of music.   I have to confess that I don't listen to as much music as I should.   I love classical musical and will listen to anything that lifts my spirit and reminds me of rustic or pastoral scenes.   I do like other music genres but, as I said, it is very rare for me to listen to anything because I am concentrating on my writing, reading and thinking.   The holy trinity of introversion!   I wake up at all hours of the day and night and when I do, I find that I have to write something down before I forget.   I leave the computer on 24/7/365 and of course leap years.  I am not a big fan of dancing which probably stems from my experience as an unwilling participant at school.   Yes, they used to teach dancing back in those days.   I am happy to think that other people enjoy it, but it is not for me.   I will sign off for now because my submarine is double-parked, and I don't want another parking ticket.   Please take care and remember to keep smiling.

Aspidistras Marigolds and Daisies. 1395 

[therising]

Hello amd1953

I have just spent time reading through the last 5 pages of posts between yourself and Ems. I was thoroughly touched by and engrossed in the language you both speak through with such ease. Such a deeply soulful language that can be so easily felt. I must say that I found it to be both mesmerising and inspiring. It is so heartfelt and fluent. Btw, I wish to thank you both for bringing Fernando Pessoa into my awareness. I'd never heard of him until I read your posts. I've just added 'The Book of Disquiet' to my Kindle. I imagine I will come to add a physical copy of it to my library at some point. As a sensitive gal, I like to sense the smell of a new book and all its pages, while feeling and hearing the turn of them. A Kindle is a poor substitute yet serves a purpose, especially for someone who cannot wait to begin reading something😊.

I believe we can be born a philosopher in the making, a feeler or sensitive who holds the potential to feel and sense so much, a wonderer who thrives on a sense of wonder, an adventurer who longs to add ventures as opposed to repeating the same old ventures and so on. We can be born with so many different facets to us. It's not until we meet fellow philosophers, fellow feelers or sensitives, fellow wonderers etc that we come to meet with the people who reflect the best in us. Through such reflection, we can come to truly love ourself bit by bit. It can take a lifetime to meet with such people and, in turn, meet with who we naturally are. ❤️

[amd1953]

Hello therising,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.   Ems and I do seem to have a connection, don't we?   But then we write our letters to share our thoughts and ideas with those, such as yourself, who find a common interest in the idea of freedom, truth and self-expression.   On forums such as this we all have the guarantee of anonymity which allows us to be true to ourselves.   There are no pretenses or false values here.   

I am also glad that you discovered Pessoa through me.   How rewarding is that!   For me, finding him, was like stumbling across an oasis in a desert.   I am so pleased that you found him worth reading.

Regards amd1953

[therising]

Hi amd1953

In regard to the question people may ask on occasion, 'Who in history would you most like to sit with and have a conversation with?', Pessoa would definitely be on my list for a number of reasons. 

I think that while life can feel like an incredibly challenging quest at times (with hills, valleys, some dark paths and so much more to navigate through), I think at other times it can feel like a treasure hunt with gems/revelations to be found here and there. When someone else on the quest calls out, in one way or another, 'Hey, over here. Take a look at this' they're sharing in those gems. Thank you for sharing in what you have found 🙂❤️

[amd1953]

Hello the rising,

I agree that someone like Pessoa would be a great conversationalist.   I could imagine a long list of people whom I would love to talk to.   Even if I had to travel back in time to do so and perhaps be fluent in every language under the sun.   What a gift that would be, to be able converse with whomever you chose without language or culture impeding your progress.   It is the stuff of dreams.   As I said to Ems, we all have our stories to tell.   I also agree that life can be very challenging and quest like at times.   Perhaps the challenge is to live through it all and emerge the other side as a better person.   A kind of alchemical experiment, if you will.   

amd1953

[therising]

I like that, an alchemical experiment. It definitely feels like it at times, whether that relates to mind, body or soul. 

To transform the mind through mind altering beliefs, through bringing certain parts of ourself to life, through developing the ways in which we think or don't think (when need be) etc etc...to open and close our mind and manipulate or reform it at will is self mastery and that is gold. To transform the body through chemistry or chemical energy, so that it behaves in the ways in which we need it to, so that it heals itself in many ways, so that it gives us the kind of energy in motion (e-motion) we can feel as excitement, joy, peace, ease with no dis-ease is to master pure energy and this is gold. To know or see ourself from the perspective of something other than what is physical or mental can prove to be gold at times. To say 'Here I am in this body. Now, how do I better understand it, get it to work for me and master it?' is one thing. To say 'Here I am with this mind I have to work with. Now, how do I get it to work for me, to the point of mastery?' is another. From a soulful perspective, we are perhaps born to master such things that we are given to work with. Just when you think you have it all worked out, 'I've done it! I'm mastering my mind and body', a new challenge comes up that proves you're not entirely there yet but are getting closer in this experiment. Alchemy is hard work at times, that's for sure.

Maybe we're not designed to become gold all at once. Perhaps it happens bit by bit. I think there are parts of us that are absolute gold and parts that still require some transformation 🙂